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Лжец, лжец/ Liar, Liar

INT. FULGHAM KINDERGARTEN WEDNESDAY MORNING
Two dozen KINDGERGARTNERS listen to their teacher, MS. BERRY. The word "Work" is on the blackboard.
MS. BERRY "Work." Today we're going to share what our parents do for work.
QUICK CUTS of a series of five-year olds standing beside their desks, addressing the class:
JEFF
My dad is a truck driver.
MELINDA My mommy is a doctor.
CAROLYN
My dad is a librarian and my mom is a vegetarian.
THEODORE (with difficulty) My father is a struck-sher-al-
engine-ear.
CRAIG -My mother is an actress. She works at Denny's.
KELLY
My daddy works at a place where they make stuff, and my mommy is a mommy.
ELLIOT
(looking a little crazed;
My father is a postal worker. The QUICK CUTS end with MAX:
MAX
My mom 's a teacher.
As Max starts to sit:
MS. BERRY And your dad?
MAX (hes itant) My dad? He's... a liar.
MS. BERRY (taken aback) A liar? I don't think you ! mean "a liar."
MAX
Well... he wears 'a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge and--
MS. BERRY (re lieved) Oh! I see-- you mean he's a lawyer.
Max shrugs.
INT. COURTROOM .-- DAY
FLETCHER REID, early 30's, stands before the JUDGE. His manner is utterly genuine and convincing.
FLETCHER A dark street... a stormy n ight.. . two desperate men struggle . .. one man is taken to the hospital, the other to jail. The prosecutor wants you to believe this is an open-and-shut case of a poor man, brutally victimized.
He nods at the victim - - a fragile OLD MAN in his 70's.
FLETCHER (CONT'D) Well, for once I agree with the prosecutor. This is an open-and shut case -- but the true victim is my client.
Fletcher's CLIENT is a 250 pound brute in a suit.
FLETCHER (CONT'D) Put yourself in his shoes for a moment--walking home from church, alone, in a frightening part of the suburbs.
As he describes his client's movements, Fletcher ACTS THEM

FLETCHER (CONT'D) You're nervous, timid, looking over your shoulder -- when suddenly, you encounter him--
(pointing at the
old man) pounc ing from the shadows. You qu iver in fear. The streetlight flashes on something shiny in his hand-a knife?
Suddenly Fletcher becomes the attacker, brandishing a weapon . The jurors RECOIL .
FLETCHER (CONT'D) And in that terrifying instant you do what any respectable citizen would -- you defend yourself. Only after you shatter his arm and collarbone do you realize it's all a mistake .. . the man was merely walking away from an ATM machine, the apparent flash of metal caused by his bank card .
He reveals the weapon in his hand is only a credit card.
FLETCHER (CONT'D) (concerned) As you stand over his crump led , though potent ially still-dangerous form, your heart goes out to him. You want to help. First, you gather up the many bills he dropped, to stop them from blowing away. Second, in an effort to get the name and number of someone to notify, you take his wallet. Finally, you leap into the man 's Lexus to head for ass istance, when suddenly a police car speeds up. You breathe a sigh of relief: "Someone to look -after the injured man! Oh joy!" But do the police applaud your initiative? Do they hail your heroism? No-- they arrest you and throw you in the slammer!
He walks along the jury box:
FLETCHER (CONT'D) And why? Why does the State turn its massive power against this individual?
(takes an impressive moment, then answers his own question:) Discrimination,
(to a black juror)
But this time it's not based on race.
(to a female juror) Not based on gender.
(to a man wearing a crucifix) Not based on religion,
(to a heavy set juror) No--this time it's discrimination based on size!. I know what the prosecution wants you to think - - it 's always the big guy's fault. Is that what we ve come to as a society -- persecuting people because they're large?
Fletcher points accusingly at the opposition.
FLETCHER (CONT'D) Shame on you, Mister Prosecutor! Shame on you!
(turning back to
jury)
The state is trying to barbeque my client on the spit of Justice . Only you can douse the flames.

The decision is yours . And please . . .don 't let your emotions run away with you. The fact that my client is a family man, raising his sons alone after the tragic death of their mother, has absolutely no bearing on this case.
In the front row we see two sad-faced YOUNG CHILDREN
FLETCHER (CONT'D) Instead, let cold reason be your guide as you decide the fate of this church-going, orphan-rasing_widower!
Fletcher returns to his seat. Jurors, dab their eyes. EXT . COURTHOUSE -- AFTERNOON
Fletcher bounds down the stairs, passing a fellow LAWYER,
LAWYER
How's it going, Fletcher?
FLETCHER
(he' s won) Another gratifying day serving Justice.
Fletcher's huge client catches up to him.
CLIENT
Hey great job, Mr. Reid. I wish there was some way I could show my appreciation.
FLETCHER Stay out of my neighborhood after dark.
A PUBLICIST carrying, a clipboard approaches Fletcher.
PUBLICIST Mr. Reid, do you have a moment-?
FLETCHER
No, I'm late p ick ing up my son.
PUBLICIST -Because a couple of reporters want to interview you aoout your big win today.
Fletcher instantly shifts directions.
FLETCHER . . How 's my hair?
And he's off to woo a GANG OF REPORTERS .
EXT . SUBURBAN PORCH - AFTERNOON
A sad Max and his mother, AUDREY, wait silently on the steps.
MAX
What time is it?
AUDREY (checks her watch)
I 'm sure he just got tied up in court again.
Finally, Fletcher's BMW pulls up. Max races to him, delighted.
MAX
Dad!
FLETCHER Maximillian!
(calls out a
command) TRANSFORMERS!! .
Fletcher instantly becomes a human version of the TRANSFORMER TOY making ROBOTIC MOVEMENTS and SOUNDS. Max
knows the routine well, moves in perfect sine with dad
Until -FLETCHER Malfunction in vector 3! ! Malfunction in vector 3!! (pretends to lose control of a 'robotic ' arm) Look out! It's on tickle mode!!
Fletcher's "mechanical arm" becomes CLAW-LIKE, TICKLING MAX like crazy! Max loves it.
Audrey watches these two kids, smiles.
FLETCHER
(re: Audrey) And who is this lovely lady? Max, could you introduce me?
MAX
That's no lady, that's mom!
AUDREY. Thanks, Max.
FLETCHER
Mom?!
(under his breath)
Himnm . . . I don't remember her looking that good,
(becomes the
robot again) Malfunction in Vector 4! Malfunction in Vector 4!
Fletcher's other robotic arm becomes a "pincher", comes after Audrey.
AUDREY (playfully) Keep Vector 4 away from me. Unless you want Vector 4 chopped off.
FLETCHER You know, you were much easier when we were married .. .
(re: her luggage) So where are you off too?
AUDREY
Stanford. I'm delivering a paper.
FLETCHER
Oh really? Where I live, we use a boy on a b ike.
MAX
Hey mom, dad's taking me to see wrestling!
AUDREY
(mildly protesting) Oh, Fletcher!
FLETCHER (playfully mimicking her) Oh, Audrey!
AUDREY
Do you have to take him to those things? They're so violent.
Fleccher IMITATES the familiar wise, old INDIAN CHIEF DAN GEORGE .
FLETCHER/DAN GEORGE The boy must learn the way of the warrior. And who better to teach him than Rowdy Rod- . Piper and Big John Stud?
Audrey can't help but LAUGH.
FLETCHER/DAN GEORGE
He must be schooled in the way of the face-claw, the sleeper-hold, and the purple nuxple. For only then-AUDREY (playfully)
Shut up!!
FLETCHER/DAN GEORGE
(to Max) The squaw will never understand us.
A HORN HONKS. It's the good-natured, affable JERRY. Max runs up to him.
JERRY
Max, my man!
Jerry gives Max "five", then kisses Audrey on the lips.
JERRY
Fletcher, good to see you?
FLETCHER
What? No kiss for me?
JERRY (re: luggage)
Wh
at do you say, Max? Give me a hand?
Fletcher grits his teeth as Jerry gives Max a piggyback ride to get the luggage .
FLETCHER
(to Audrey) I didn't know the boyfriend was go ing.

AUDREY
Jerry. His name is Jerry and yes , he's go ing .
Audrey heads ins ide .
INT. HOUSE - DAY .
Audrey enters, shuts the blinds.
FLETCHER To Stanford? Overnight? Does th is mean you two are .. .
(cringes, can 't
say the words)
AUDREY
I've been see ing him seven months, what do you th ink?
FLETGHER I was hoping that after being married to me, you'd have no more strength left.
AUDREY
Well you have to remember when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.
FLETCHER
MEDIC!! I've been hit.
EXT. HOUSE - DAY '
Audrey locks up .
FLETCHER Well, great... I'm so happy for you two . I am just M ister Happy man . Happy , happy,
happy
AUDREY
Relax Fletcher. It looks like Jerry's taking that job offer in Boston.
Fletcher turns sincere.
FLETCHER
Aud, I am so sorry.. .

Behind her back, he FLAILS in celebration. She glances back ... He stops , whistles innocently .
JERRY (calling to Audrey)
Ready?
Audrey and Jerry say goodbye to Max . They get in his Exp lorer.
FLETCHER
(to Audrey) You gonna be okay? Because if not, we could leave Max with your sister and I could go out with you two, does that appeal to you at all?
They drive off.
FLETCHER Wave to the soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, Max.
(flipping Max the
keys) You drive.
INT. BMW - AFTERNOON'- MOVING
Fletcher is driving, Max beside him.
MAX
Dad, are we really going to go to wrestling?
FLETCHER Absolutely, Maxattacker. We just have to stop by the office for one minute.
Max SIGHS . He's heard this before .
EXT . SKYSCRAPER - AFTERNOON
Establishing the headquarters of ALLAN, STEWART & KONIGSBERG.
As they head inside, Fletcher and Max pass a BEGGAR.
BEGGAR
'Scuse me, sir. Do you have any change?
FLETCHER
(patting his pockets) 'Fraid not. Sorry.
INT . SKYSCRAPER LOBBY - AFTERNOON

Fletcher grabs The Daily Journal, paying for it with a HANDFUL OF CHANGE. His son takes this in.

On their way to the elevators Fletcher and Max pass PHILIP, a dweeb ish bore .
PHILIP
Fletcher!

FLETCHER
Philip!
PHILIP
And this must be Max!
FLETCHER
(trying to brush him off)
. Yes. Yes it is. Well, it was good seeing you-Fletcher starts off with Max, when Philip calls after him.
PHILIP
You know, Ethel and I had a blast at our last little get-together.
FLETCHER Oh, me too . I can never get enough of charades . We'll have to do it again sometime.
Fletcher heads into an open elevator... only to find the door's closing impededby Philip's foot.
PHILIP
When?

FLETCHER
Soon.
The door again begins to close . .. when Philip stops it.
PHILIP
How 'bout tonight?
FLETCHER
Not that soon . I 'm taking Max to see wrestling-PHILIP
We love wrestling. We could--FLETCHER
I don 't think so . See , Max is really shy around strangers .
Max looks up at Fletcher. He isn't.
FLETCHER (CONT'D) Tell you what -- give me your card as a reminder. I'll call you. Soon.

Promise.
PHILIP
Great!
Philip hands him his card just as the door closes . INT. ELEVATOR - AFTERNOON
Max watches as his father TEARS PHILIP'S CARD IN TWO.
INT. RECEPTION AREA OF LAW OFFICES - AFTERNOON
The receptionist, JANE, greets them. Jane has an ODD, UNATTRACTIVE HAIRDO. A large GIFT BASKET is on her desk
JANE
Hi, Mr. Reid.
(indicates, her hair)
What do you think?
FLETCHER
Fabu lous! I love it.
(indicates the basket) What's this?
JANE
I don't know who sent it. But it's for Mr. Allan. It's his ann iversary.
FLETCHER
Ah... The Partnership Committee meeting still scheduled for Friday?
JANE (as she goes)
Yep...
Fletcher quickly removes a gift card from his pocket, scribbles on it, puts it in place of the one already there
MAX
What are you doing? FLETCHER
Oh, I'm... fix ing the card,
(shows him the
old card) Look, they spelled Mr. Allan's name wrong . Have an apple.
INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
. . .Where a troubled FRED RAND is talking to MIRANDA, a beautiful, steely partner.
FRED
I can't do it.
MIRANDA Fred, it's your duty to present the strongest case poss ib le .
FRED
The strongest case poss ib le , consistent with the truth.
MIRANDA Let the Judge decide what's true . That s what he gets paid for. You get paid to win.

FRED
If you insist on my taking it to trial, I 'll represent Mrs . Cole aggressively and ethically.

But, Miranda -- I won't lie .
Miranda looks out her window, calculating.
MIRANDA
Then we'll just have to find someone who will.
INT. HALLWAY OF LAW OFFICES -- AFTERNOON
Fletcher strides through the hallway with Max, calling out GREETINGS to his colleagues.
FLETCHER
Hey, Pete! Great tie!.
Max looks at PETE, -whose fashion-disaster tie startles him.
FLETCHER Thomas - - looks l ike you ' re los in ' we ight.
THOMAS glances up from a file. Max notes that he's corpu lent.
THOMAS
Ga ined three pounds.
FLETCHER
(wedging past him)
On you , it works.
Fletcher arrives at his office. WE MEET his secretary, the fifty ish, worldly-w ise and world -weary GRETA .
GRETA ' Max ! What's new?
.MAX
Well. . . it's my birthday tomorrow. We're having a party and everything.
Fletcher's EYES WIDEN. He has clearly forgotten.
GRETA
I'm sure your dad'11 give you something wonderful.
Fletcher tries to wave her off, awkwardly stopping when Max turns to him.
MAX
Yeah?
FLETCHER Oh , yeah . You're go ing to love it. Uh, why don 't you play in my office for a minute?

Fax something, sue someone, have a good time. We'll be leaving in a second.
Max heads into the office. Fletcher closes the door behind him turning it into a silly, two-handed wave.
FLETCHER (CONT'D) Damn! I comp lete ly forgot.
GRETA
Oh , there's a surprise .
Greta produces a wrapped GIFT.
FLETCHER
You 're a saint. I should get you someth ing .
GRETA
You d id .
She holds up another, smaller package.
FLETCHER Ah. Well, I always do the classy thing. Any calls?
She hands him a stack of mail.
GRETA . Let's see.. .
(checking
messages) Judge Patterson's clerk. He needs your filing.
FLETCHER
Tell him it's in the mail.
GRETA (jotting down a Right). You'll do it next week. Mr. McKinley phoned, questioning that fourteen hours you billed on
Christinas Eve.
FLETCHER
Write him a long, explanatory letter. Then bill him for the letter.
GRETA (jotting down a note). . . Done. Your mother called.
FLETCHER
I'm on vacation.
GRETA
This is your fifth week. .
FLETCHER
It's a long vacation.
GRETA (jotting down a note)
"Break mother's heart." Done. And that's it, except Miranda's looking for you.
FLETCHER
(checking watch) As if I don't have anything better to do than bow and scrape at her royal perfumed partner feet. Tell her I'm in court.
GRETA
Court's c losed .
FLETCHER Tell her I broke my leg and had to be shot.
GRETA
(whispers) Why don't you tell her yourself?
As Miranda approaches, Fletcher switches gears in an instant:
FLETCHER --And then send out a notice of judgement on my win today!
GRETA
(dry)
I' ll get right on it.
Fletcher turns -- and pretends to be surprised.
FLETCHER Miranda! I didn't see you . Hey, you look love ly, today. Here, I bought you a gift.
He grabs Greta's g ift and hands it to M iranda.
MIRANDA
Thanks . I heard about your victory today. You're making quite an impression on the partnership committee.
FLETCHER (feigning
puzzlement; then)
Oh, that's right. You folks are meeting again soon. "Allan, Stewart, Kon igsberg, and Ried."There's something about the rhythm of fours. It's like a full measure. Well, anyway, I've got a client waiting in my office-MIRANDA . Actually, something important has come up. You ' re not busy tonight, are you?
Before Fletcher answers, we:
CUT TO:
INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - EVENING
A sad Max sits on Fletcher's big sofa. His heart sinks further when Fletcher enters. . . carrying two boxes of documents.
MAX
We're not going, are we?
FLETCHER Of course we are. A promise is a prom ise . We are gonna see wrestling or my name isn't Fletcher T. Reid.
FLETCHER
(to wrestler) Could you hand me that?
(the wrestler
does) Thank you.
(without looking
We are hav ing some fun, eh Maxer?
PUSH IN on Max; he isn't. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Jerry paces. Audrey is on the phone, waiting. She notices Jerry pac ing.
AUDREY
Are you alright?
JERRY
Uh, yeah , just, uh... how long are you gonna be on the phone?
AUDREY
I just wanted to say good-n ight to Max, but he must still be out with Fletcher, (hangs up)
JERRY
(suddenly) Will you marry me?
She 's SHOCKED .

AUDREY
Uh.. .would I . . . ? What did you say?
JERRY
(nervous) I proposed, I . . . Look, I know this Boston thing is a great opportun ity, good job, money . . . everything . But I started to think about being three thousand miles away from you and Max. And I didn't like it. I-- Look, I know it's a lot to ask, to move and everything, but I .... I love
you. I love your son. Will you marry me?
She stares at him, excited, but nervous.
EXT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Early morning outside Fletcher's building.
INT . FLETCHER 'S STUDY - MORNING
Fletcher types on his computer. He's been up all night.
He leans back, rubs h is eyes. When he opens them he sees Max standing there in pajamas.

Fletcher SMILES.
FLETCHER Max Factor . .. Happy birthday . How old are you today? Thirty? Forty?
MAX
Five.
FLETCHER Well, you've held up well. I only wish there was some way to commemorate such an occasion, some small symbol to mark this day , like ....
Fletcher produces -FLETCHER
... A present! Max eyes it with wonder.
MAX What is it?

FLETCHER
(no idea) It's... it's.
(it hits him) a surprise .
Max knows his father doesn't have a clue but he rips the box open, revealing, a BASEBALL, GLOVE, DODGER'S CAP, and FULL MAJOR LEAGUE STYLE UNIFORM .
MAX
Baseball stuff!

FLETCHER
Baseball stuff.
MAX
(hugging his dad) Will you play catch with me?
FLETCHER '
Absorootentooten lute ly.
Max beams.
FLETCHER
Tonight. After your party, you have my word on it.
Max nods sadly as Fletcher turns back to his work.

EXT. JERRY'S CAR - MORNING
Jerry and Audrey are driving, airline tickets.

Audrey's holding a couple of

AUDREY
(re: tickets) Jerry, these are for tomorrow.
JERRY
The company wants me to get started right away.
AUDREY
I can't just pick up and move to Boston with two days notice.
JERRY
Just come check it out. You and Max, see the town . Let's . p ick out a p lace together. Then, if you want to turn me down and scar me for life, fine.

AUDREY
It's just not that simple . .. What about my job? I've been at UCLA three years .
JERRY
It's New England . They 're lousy with colleges. You can't swing a bat back there without hitting a college.

You'd get a job there in a second.
AUDREY
There are other factors invo lved.
(points)
There they are now.
They pull up in front of Fletcher's building where Fletcher and Max are waiting. Fletcher's still reviewing a file.
As Audrey gets out of Jerry's car, Max runs over.
AUDREY
Did you have fun? How were the wrestling matches?
FLETCHER Big fun. Manly fun. Am I right, Maxie?
MAX
(half-heartedly) It was fun..
FLETCHER (re: Audrey)
So how were the wrestling matches? Did you have fun?
JERRY
Max, my man! My happy birthday man!
Max and Jerry exchange "fives" and'a hug. Jerry gives Max a light punch on the arm.
JERRY
One-two-three-four-five. . . and one for good luck.
FLETCHER Did you see that? He struck the child!
MAX
Look what dad got me! (shows the glove)
JERRY
Whoa! Great! I have my glove in the car. We'll stop in the park on the way home and play catch. Then tonight we'll oil
it, wrap a rubber band around it. . . It'll be great.
(to Fletcher) Great birthday present, dad!
Fletcher hates him. Jerry and Max go to Jerry's car.
FLETCHER.
(makes a fist) When is it his birthday?
AUDREY
Something's come up. We need to talk.
MAX
Mom , let's go. I want to play.
AUDREY
(to Fletcher) We'll talk tonight.

FLETCHER
Tonight?
AUDREY
Max 's b irthday?
FLETCHER ' Oh, yeah, right. Seven. I knew that. I did. I b locked it out weeks ago. The seventeenth or May. Max's b irthday.
AUDREY
It's the eighteenth.
FLETCHER The seventeenth of May is the day I .remind myself that the eighteenth is Max's birthday. See you ton ight.
They drive away.
INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Miranda, and Fletcher's new client, VIRGINIA COLE, an alluring woman in her early thirties/ review the document he spent the previous night putting together.

VIRGINIA
This is good. This is really smart.
FLETCHER
Thank you .
VIRGINIA
Only it's... Like not true . Every word of it is a lie .
Fletcher and Miranda exchange glances.
VIRGINIA (CONT'D) I mean . . . isn 't that a problem?
FLETCHER Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support, of raising his children -- They are his?
VIRGINIA
Hm? Oh yeah . One for sure.
FLETCHER After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion-
VIRGINIA
Seven.
FLETCHER
Hm?
VIRGINIA Seven single acts of ind iscretion.
FLETCHER --Seven acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence of, and all of which he h imse lf is respons ible, for.
VIRGINIA
He is?

FLETCHER Mrs. Cole, I stayed up all night last night studying your case . Not just your case . . . but you . And , by now , I fee l I know you. You are the victim here. The wife of a cold, distant businessman. Starved for affection, driven into the arms of another man-VIRGINIA
Seven.
FLETCHER
(not missing a beat)
--Seven .other men. You're not trying to deny him what is rightfully his. All you 're insisting on is what is rightfully yours. And maybe an idgy-smidgy bit more. I think you're bending over backwards.
VIRGINIA
Well, I did agree to give him j oint custody of the kids...
(to Miranda) He 's always been a good father.
FLETCHER And you've always been a good wife.
VIRGINIA
(getting worked up) Yea. . .
FLETCHER There's such a thing as being too nice. That's why you need aggressive representation. To show the court that there is more than one side to this story. All I'm asking is the opportunity to see that justice is done on your behalf.
(takes her hand) Will you give me that opportunity?

He stares into her eyes . A moment, then . ..
VIRGINIA Yes! I 'm tired of getting k icked around.
FLETCHER
Good for you!
VIRGINIA Thank vou, Mr. Reid. I'm so grateful I have an attorney I can trust.
She gives him a HUG and momentarily grabs his ass. With a farewell nod to Miranda, she leaves.
Miranda turns, smiles at Fletcher, then shuts the door. She moves in on him.
MIRANDA You're good. You're really
good.
FLETCHER
Oh , pshaw .
(pronounces it with the "p")
She picks a piece of lint off.his jacket.
MIRANDA
No, I mean it. The Cole case is worth a truckload of money to this firm not to mention the press it s going to generate . You win this case and I guarantee you'll make partner.
(straightening
his tie) Actually, how would you like to make a partner right now?
FLETCHER
Excuse me?
She grabs his lapels and pulls him in for a deep KISS. INT, AUDREY AND MAX'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A PARTY in progress, KINDERGARTNERS being entertained by a MAN in a clown suit and clown make-up.
CLOWN (singing)
Capta in Fuzzy is my name, Making children happy is my
fame, ith a shake and a juggle , And a big belt buckle, You 'll all be glad I came . '
He flops down on his back causing something in his pants to HONK. Audrey and Jerry watch.
AUDREY
(indicating the clown) What do you think?
JERRY
Well, if you don 't hire your brother, who will?

She heads into... .
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
JERRY
They called me again from Boston. They really want me there tomorrow.
AUDREY
... I can t go to Boston.
JERRY
How come?
AUDREY
Max.
JERRY
He'll love it there.
AUDREY
It's Fletcher.
JERRY
Fletcher?
AUDREY
I can't move Max three thousand miles away from his father.
JERRY
Audrey, I have never said a bad word about your ex -AUDREY
I know.

JERRY
But how much responsibility does Fletcher talte for Max, now? He 'd never come over if you didn't remind him.
AUDREY
I know. But if they're three thousand miles apart they'll never see each other. Fletcher will never come to Boston and how can I send Max cross-country to him?
.JERRY
So because your ex-husband is unre liab le, we can 't-' -
AUDREY
I know, it's not logical, it's emotional. I'm sorry.
Pause.

JERRY
I still want to marry you.
AUDREY
Are you sure? erry picks up the PHONE, pulls out a piece of paper:

JERRY
(into phone) Mr. Crisitelli, Jerry She!ton ... I hope I'm not calling too late... Mr. Crisitelli, I'm afraid I have to turn down your offerSo am I . . . Well, I've fallen in love with this beautiful woman in L.A. and she doesn 't want to leave and I won 't leave without her. .. Well, thank you very much . .. Yes , good-bye.
(hangs up)
He wasn 't there , but that's 1 the speech I would've made.
She smiles and KISSES him. The PHONE RINGS. Audrey answers.
AUDREY
Hello . . . INTERCUT WITH:
INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT
AUDREY Fletcher, where are you? We're getting ready to cut the cake.
FLETCHER Urn, actually, something has come up. A problem on a new caaa—
Miranda bites one of Fletcher's nipples.
FLETCHER
A-h-h-h-!
AUDREY
What happened?
FLETCHER Nothing. I just nailed my knee into the desk ... Listen, I'm really sorry I can't make it.
AUDREY
Max is going to be so d isappo inted.
FLETCHER I'll make it up to him, I promise. I'll pick him up from school tomorrow , okay?
AUDREY
Do you want me to put him on the phone?
Miranda starts "reeling in" the phone cord.
FLETCHER
Ah, no. I have to go.
AUDREY
Right.
ANGRILY, she hangs up. Fletcher stares UNHAPPILY at the phone, before Miranda THROWS HIM BACK ONTO THE COUCH.
INT. AUDREY AND MAX'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT
WE PAN DOWN from banners reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAX!. .. to a room full of guests... to a desultory five-year-old.
Audrey finishes lighting the candles on the homemade cake.
AUDREY
All right, birthday boy, make a wish.
Max doesn't respond.
AUDREY (CONT'D) C 'mon , honey . It can be anything-- whatever you want most in the world.
When he .doesn't respond, she leans down to him..
AUDREY (CONT'D) Max, your dad is sorry. He had to work.
MAX
He said he was coming. He promised.
AUDREY
Yes, well, he... promises he'll see you tomorrow.
Max doesn't believe it.
He turns his full attention to the candles on the cake. In VOICE OVER we hear what she does not.
MAX (V.O.)
I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn t tell a lie .
He takes a breath --and blows out all the candles. A strange WIND blows the drapes and the wisp of smoke up, up, up... to the clock on the wall. It's 9:15.
CUT TO:
A clock on a wall. It's 9:15'. We are--
INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT
PAN around Miranda's office, where the displaced sofa is adorned with Fletcher's shoes . ..
To the credenza, where Fletcher's pants hang.. .
To the lamp, where Fletcher's shorts swing. . .
To the desk, where a ravished Miranda lies next to Fletcher. Superbly confident of the answer, she asks--
MIRANDA
S o . . . was it good for you? Without thinking, Fletcher responds in the most astonishing
way possible-- he TELLS THE TRUTH.
FLETCHER
I 've had better .
Miranda turns to him in disbelief -- but it's nothing compared to the LOOK OF SHOCK on Fletcher's face.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT The door opens -- and the naked Fletcher is forcefully
kicked out. He goes TUMBLING over a desk as a RAIN OF CLOTHES follow.
The door SLAMS SHUT again, leaving him without his pants.
A CLEANING LADY stares at him in shock, then takes her broom, aims for his crotch, SWINGS.and. . .
INT. BEDROOM - FRIDAY MORNING
An alarm CLOCK RINGS. Fletcher BOLTS UP in bed. With
regret and wonder he remembers:
FLETCHER
"I've had better?" INT. FLETCHER'S BATHROOM - MORNING
Fletcher brushes his teeth, looks up at his reflection in the mirror, mouth foaming.
FLETCHER
"I've had better?!" INT. HALLWAY OF FLETCHER'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Dressed for work, Fletcher waits for the elevator.
FLETCHER (laughing it off) "I've had Abetter?"
It arrives. He steps in.
INT. APARTMENT ELEVATOR - MORNING
The e levator is empty, except for F letcher. . . and a beaut ifu l young WOMAN .
FLETCHER
New in the building?
MODEL
I just moved in Monday .
FLETCHER
Ah. Well, you must allow me to give you the grand tour.
MODEL
(she's interested) Oh? Do you do that for all the new tenants?
FLETCHER No. Just the ones I want to bang like a drum.
Fletcher's face REGISTERS extreme SHOCK and. . .
INT. LOBBY OF APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
We HEAR a SMACK off camera and a PING as the elevator door opens. The model storms off and A STUNNED Fletcher steps out, rubb ing h is fresh ly s lapped face .
EXT. COURTROOM -, MORNING
A SHAKY Fletcher strides toward the courthouse. . . when he is accosted by a BEGGAR.
BEGGAR
Any change, Mister?
.FLETCHER
Abso lute ly. But he cont inues wa lk ing .
BEGGAR
Could you spare some?
FLETCHER
Unquestionab ly.
Fletcher walks faster, PUZZLED that he has answered truthfully. The beggar is even more puzzled.
BEGGAR
Will you?
FLETCHER
No.
BEGGAR
How come?
FLETCHER Because I resent your presence. You fill me with an unpleasant mixture of disgust and guilt. Further, I don't believe you'll use the money for food, but I believe you ll use it for, at worst, drugs, or, at best, whiskey, or . cigarettes . Also , 1 'm cheap. As Fletcher heads up the stairs. . .
BEGGAR
Jerkoff. INT. COURTROOM - MORNING
A winded Fletcher joins Virginia at the respondent's table
VIRGINIA
You look like you're having a rough morn ing .
FLETCHER
I 've had better.
He WINCES as he recognizes the words. Then, an extremely wealthy, respectable industrialist, RICHARD COLE enters with his attorney, DANA APPLETON, young, brisk, confident.
DANA
Good morn ing , F letcher .
FLETCHER
Dana . "
RICHARD
All right, Virginia, how much will it take to put an end to
this?
FLETCHER
Fifty per cent of your estate. Richard is SHOCKED .
DANA
Fifty per cent? With a pre-nup and proof of adultery? What's your case?
FLETCHER
Our case is simply this. . .
Fletcher opens his mouth to enlighten her -- but he CAN'T GET THE WORDS OUT. He tries to TORCE OUT SOUNDS , but succeeds only in looking like a fish gasping on dry land.
DANA
Interesting, though based on your track record, I expected a little more .
Nearing panic, Fletcher whirls to his BRIEFCASE and grabs the brief.
FLETCHER .. Wait! Wait! I've got it in writing!
But when Dana tries to take the document, the astonished Fletcher finds himself PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO RELEASE IT.
DANA
Let go!
FLETCHER
I'm try ing !
He INVOLUNTARILY snatches the document away and IT PULLS HIM to a nearby TRASH CAN where he throws it out.
At this moment the BAILIFF calls.
BAILIFF All rise for the Honorable Judge William Stevens.
DANA
Very funny, Fletcher. You want to play hardball, I'm game.
JUDGE STEVENS takes the bench .
JUDGE STEVENS
Calling case BA 09395, Richard Cole versus Virginia Cole. How're we doing this morning, counsel?
DANA
F ine , thank you .
JUDGE STEVENS
And you , Mr. Re id?
FLETCHER Well, I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night-Fletcher screeches to a standstill, suddenly aware of what he just said. After an awkward silence-UDGE STEVENS
(dryly)
Well, you 're still young. It' ll nappen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get. down to bus iness? F irst, Mr. Reid, I see that your client was previously represented by Mr. Rand of your office.
FLETCHER
Yes , Your Honor.
JUDGE STEVENS I take it you' re seek ing to substitute in as counsel?
FLETCHER
Yes , Your Honor.
JUDGE STEVENS
Fine, fine. And for the record, the reason is?
FLETCHER Mr. Rand had severe ethical objections to my client's case.
F letcher is incredu lous. Somehow h is greatest asset in the world, his mouth, has become his worst enemy.
JUDGE STEVENS I take it you don't share the same ethical objections, Mr. Reid?
FLETCHER
I have lower standards, Your Honor.
JUDGE STEVENS
I see. Well, if Mrs. Cole wants the substitution of counsel, I'll allow it. Is that what you want, Mrs. Cole?
Virginia looks to the judge, then to Fletcher, whose unorthodox syle seemed so brilliant earlier.
VIRGINIA
(unsure)
Yes?

JUDGE STEVENS
Fine.
VIRGINIA
(aside, to Fletcher) What are you doing?
FLETCHER
(worried) I don 't know.
(to judge, with some
desperation) Your Honor, I 'd like a continuance!
JUDGE STEVENS " This case has already been delayed several times, Mr. ReidJ
FLETCHER I realize that, Your Honor, but I 'd really, really, really like a continuance.
JUDGE STEVENS I'll have to hear good cause, counselor. What's the problem?
FLETCHER'S P.O.V.
The ROOM begins to SPIN slowly -- then faster -- then faster -- until we wind up squarely on FLETCHER 'S FACE
FLETCHER
I can 't lie !
JUDGE STEVENS (impatient) Commendab le, Mr. Reid, but I'm still waiting for the good cause. Now, do you have it or . not?
FLETCHER (truthful)
Not.
JUDGE STEVENS
Motion for a continuance denied. Is there any chance of a settlement in this case?

DANA
I don 't think so, Your Honor. Mr. Reid made it abundantly clear that the last thing in the world he wanted was to -

FLETCHER
(desperate)
SETTLE! SETTLE! SETTLE!
Dana and Mr. Cole look at Fletcher with surprise.
JUDGE STEVENS There appears to have been a change in strategy. Let's go to my chambers and negotiate.
He BANGS the gavel.
INT . JUDGE STEVENS 'S CHAMBERS - MORNING
Dana and an apprehensive Fletcher sit before the judge
DANA
Your Honor, under the terms of the prenuptual agreement, if Mrs. Cole commits adultery, she is entitled to nothing. We have in our possession an audiotape made by a licensed private investigator of an explicit act of sexual congress with a man who is not her husband.
JUDGE STEVENS
Sounds pretty damning, Mr.
Reid.
FLETCHER
It certainly does. DANA
However, my client has no desire to see his ex-wife destitute. Against my advice, he's willing to offer her a cash settlement of.two point four million dollars.
JUDGE STEVENS Two four seems like a pretty fair offer, Mr. Reid.
FLETCHER Fantastically fair. Phenominally fair. In fact, I'd say beyond fair, bordering on stupid.
Dana fumes. The judge finds Fletcher's boldness refreshing.
JUDGE STEVENS What are you suggesting, Mr. Reid? That Ms. b?ppleton's willingness to proffer such an offer betrays a lack of faith in her position?
FLETCHER (utterly sincere) No, not at all. She's got my client dead to rights. When attorneys go to sleep at night, they dream of having a case as strong as hers.
DANA
Can the sarcasm, Reid. All right, I admit it -- I've seen you make even the lamest case fly. But this time I have you . Even Clarence Darrow couldn 't explain this away .
She brandishes the audiotape.
JUDGE SAMIOAN
Well, Mr. Reid? without a dynamite explanation, I'd say you're dead in the water. How's you client's story?
FLETCHER The best that money can buy, Your Honor.
JUDGE STEVENS
Strong corroborating evidence?
FLETCHER We have evidence that you are not going to-believe.
Despite herself, Dana is beginning to look worried.
JUDGE STEVENS You're pretty confident how this trial is going to come out, eh, Mr. Reid?
FLETCHER
(hope less) . "Confident" is too weak a word , Your Honor. I am certain what will happen if I take this puppy to trial. The
verdict will be a stunning humiliating defeat that will cut a spectacularly promising legal career off at the knees.
Fletcher is referring to himself, of course, but Dana thinks he's speaking about her. She buckles.
DANA
All right! Double the offer! Four point eight! And not a penny more. (venomous, to
Fletcher) Bastard! She storms out, leaving an astounded Fletcher behind.
JUDGE STEVENS You are some negotiator, Mr. Reid. If your client has half a brain, sne ' ll jump at the offer.

CUT TO:
VIRGINIA
No!
We are -INT. COURTROOM - MORNING
Fletcher has joined Virginia at the respondent's table
FLETCHER No?! Mrs. Cole, this offer was a miracle. I'm talking about a walking-on-water, Lazarus ris ing - from - the -dead , find-no-line-at-the-friggin' -DMV m irac le ! You 've gone from two point four to four point eight million in.. .
(checks his
watch)
four minutes . Think of it this way -- now you 're getting paid seven hundred thou per schtupp!
• • •
VIRGINIA Mr. Reid, you convinced me yesterday -- I'm the victim here, starved for affection, driven into the arms of another man--

FLETCHER
Seven! •
VIRGINIA -- Seven other men. With the story you came up with, I don't think I can lose. I want to proceed.
FLETCHER Mrs. Cole, you don't. understand, I--
But before Fletcher can finish, the judge enters.
JUDGE STEVENS Well, Mr. Reid. Do we have a settlement?
Fletcher looks pleadingly at his client, but she is firm. He shakes his head unhappily. The judge is irritated.
JUDGE STEVENS (CONT 'D) There's no settlement. Trial to start at one-thirty sharp .
He BANGS the gavel. Fletcher emits an involuntary whimper.
INT. HALLWWAY OF LAW OFFICES - MORNING
DAZED Fletcher makes his way down the hall. Jane comes toward him wearing a hairstyle that resembles a nest. He tries to avoid her, but.. .
JANE
What do you think?
FLETCHER . I th ink you need he lp .
HORRIFIED, Fletcher hurries on. The heavyset Thomas
ambulates in his way.
THOMAS
What's shakin', Fletcher?
FLETCHER
Your cellulite, Tubster. The now panicked Fletcher breaks into a run, passing Fred.
FRED
Hiya, Fletcher. How's the Cole case going?
FLETCHER (not stopping) Straight into the crapper, you wuss, with my career right beh ind it.
P
Fletcher is RUNNING NOW, COVERING HIS EARS and SINGING LOUDLY so as not to hear OTHER EMPLOYEE 'GREETINGS . . .
FLETCHER
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!
Fletcher speeds past--
GRETA
Hi, boss. What's happening with-FLETCHER
DON 'T ASK! FOR GOD 'S SAKE, PLEASE DON 'T ASK!
-- And races into his office.
INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - MORNING
He leans against the door, trying to catch his breath.
FLETCHER,
(pacing)
Don't panic. You can beat this — it's all a matter of willpower.
He dives for his desk and rifles through it.
FLETCHER A test. . . Something small...
Aha!
He holds up a BLUE PEN.
FLETCHER (CONT'D) Red. Red. All right. Focus,
(with great
deliberation) The color of this pen is r-- . R--. R--! The color of this pen is--blue! AAAAHH!
(burying his
head)
Ahhhh! One' tiny lie and I can 't say it!!
(suddenly sitting up)
' I'll write.it!
He takes a sheet of PAPER, his pen and writes "This pen is ... " He tries to write an "R" but can't. He STRAINS. STRAINS HARDER. He's out of his chair, on the desk. His feet KICK OVER OBJECTS on the shelves'behind him. He finally forces pen to paper. He looks down where he wrote inadvertently:
"Th is pen is b lue ."
FLETCHER NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! ! ! !
Greta enters to find-FLETCHER running around the office, shaking the blue pen in the air.
GRETA
Boss , what's wrong?
FLETCHER
The pen is blue! ! The pen is blue!! The GODDAMN PEN IS BLUE!!!
Almost weeping, he collapses into a chair. A moment -then Greta tentatively offers him a red pen.
GRETA
Red?
FLETCHER
(bitter)
Oh, that's easy for you to say?!
GRETA
Are you all right?
FLETCHER (getting up)
I have to go home .
GRETA
Home? Was the case settled?
FLETCHER No . I have to be in court at one-thirty.
GRETA
Well, then how can you .go home?
FLETCHER
I don't know, I don't know!!!
GRETA
Okay.
(walking on
eggshells) Before I forget -- Rubin and Dunn called. They want to know where the Darvis settlement offer stands .
FLETCHER I only proposed a settlement to dick with them. I never had any intention of going througn with it.
Not certain why her boss would .shoot himself in the foot, Greta nonetheless jots down his remarks.
GRETA
dick with them." Okay . Your accountant, Philip,
called to remind you about getting together.
FLETCHER I 'd rather shave my ass and sit in vinegar . .
GRETA (jotting down a
note)
Got it. And your mother called again. Are you still on vacation?
FLETCHER
(emphatically nodding "yes")
No.
GRETA
So then you're here?
FLETCHER
(emphatically shaking his head "no") 5
Yes.
GRETA
I 'm having a little trouble following you. what do I say to your mom?
FLETCHER
(resigned) Tell her I m a thoughtless son who 'd rather spend ten hours clogging the wheels of justice than five minutes talking to her-- but only if she asks. You.might also add that she deserves better, though I hope to God you don't.
GRETA
Thanks for clearing that up. And that's it, except your ex called and asked when you were cowing over to see your son.
FLETCHER
(remembers) OHH! I'M SUCH A SHIT!!
He reacts, particularly stunned by this truth. INT. VOLVO - MOVING / FLETCHER'S OFFICE - MORNING
Audrey is driving Max, who wears his new baseball uniform when her cellular PHONE RINGS. She picks it up.
We INTERCUT between car and office.
FLETCHER
Audrey-AUDREY'
Hey, Fletcher. T was wondering if you were going to tsotdialyl. pick up Max after school
FLETCHER
I don' t th ink I can. I had a case I was certain would settle and it didn't. I have to go to trial this afternoon, God ne lp me .
AUDREY
(not believing him)
Right.
FLETCHER It's true... I really do want to see Max , today .
Fletcher considers what he just said, realizes it is true.
FLETCHER (CONT'D) How about that. I really do_
AUDREY
(cynically) But things keep coming up at the last minute.
FLETCHER Yes, but-this time it's different.
AUDREY
I see. And how is that?
FLETCHER
(he walked into it)
This time I'm telling the truth.
AUDREY
But last night you weren't?

FLETCHER
No.
AUDREY
What were you doing?
FLETCHER
Having sex.
AUDREY
(barely holding
her temper), It must have been with someone very "special."
FLETCHER No. It was with someone I don't even like. But I thought it would help my career and at the moment that
seemed more important than attending my son's birthday!
AUDREY
My God!! She SLAMS DOWN the phone . INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE
Fletcher BANGS THE PHONE against his head in frustration! ' .
FLETCHER AHHHHHH ! !I WHAT IS WRONG WITH
ME I ! I
EXT. FULGHAM KINDERGARTEN - MORNING The Volvo parks.
Audrey gets out. She leans over to say good-bye to her son.
MAX
Is dad picking me up? AUDREY
No, I'm sorry, Max . He can 't make it. I will. I'll work it out.
Max is d isappo inted .
MAX
I guess my wish didn t come true.
AUDREY
What wish?
MAX
I wished that, for just one day, Dad couldn 't tell a lie .
Max heads toward his teacher. Audrey is deeply moved. INT . FLETCHER 'S OFFICE He's dialing the phone.
FLETCHER
Answer, answer, answer ...

INTERCUT WITH AUDREY'S CAR

AUDREY
Hello.
FLETCHER Audrey , let me explain . Something has happened to me-AUDREY
Fletcher, something else is about to happen to you.
FLETCHER.
What do you mean?
AUDREY Max and I are moving to Boston.
FLETCHER
What?!
AUDREY
Jerry asked me to marry him. He wants Max and I to fly with him this weekend to pick out a house. And I'm going to go. God knows I don't have any reason to stay here.
FLETCHER (pan ick ing) Wait, you can't move! If you take Max away ... I'll practically never see him.
AUDREY
Well then you'll have pretty much the same relationship you have w ith h im now .
FLETCHER Audrey, p lease .... Is th is because of what I just said on the phone?
AUDREY
That was the straw and this is the camel's back saying goodbye.
FLETCHER
Where are you?
AUDREY
Head ing home.

FLETCHER When you gee there, stay there. I ll be right over. We have to talk.
AUDREY
Fletcher-FLETCHER
I'll be right- there!
He hangs up and heads for the door. It opens and Miranda enters.
FLETCHER (CONT'D)
Aaaah!
MIRANDA
Fletcher. Fletcher, Fletcher, Fletcher. I must confess-after last night's incident, I was. . . hurt. So hurt. I was tempted to do whatever little things lie in my power to scuttle your chances of making partner.
Fletcher is FRIGHTENED.
MIRANDA (CONT'D) But then I thought, "No, that's not fair. Fletcher didn 't mean to insult me ."
(straightening
his tie) "It was just some massive, boneheaded misunderstanding, and Fletcher is very, very sorry."
Fletcher smiles. It looks like he's off the hook, until--
MIRANDA (CONT'D) Isn't that right, Fletcher?
FLETCHER
(in agony) Uh -- not really, no.
MIRANDA (stunned, angry) No? No?! What are you saying? Have you no respect for me?!
FLETCHER None , whatsoever. I mean , I'd like to respect you, and if it weren't for your mistreatment of the associates, your rudeness to the staff, and the fact that your work sucks, I would.
MIRANDA
But -- what about last night?
FLETCHER
I was afraid you wouldn't support my partnership if I turned you down. Plus, I have an immature need for sexual conquests.
INT. HALLWAY OF LAW OFFICES - MORNING
We HEAR A SMACK! The door flies opens -- and a furious Miranda stalks off.
INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - MORNING
Fletcher rubs his freshly SLAPPED FACi. .
INT. BMW - MOVING / EXT, STREET - MORNING
Fletcher speeds away. He pulls the blue pen from his pocket.
FLETCHER
Gotta focus. . . gotta focus.
He's so preoccupied that he speeds through a crosswalk and almost hits an OLD MAN.
FLETCHER The color of the pen is -red!
But he hasn't regained the ability to lie -- he's referring to the RED LIGHT he just ran, nearly colliding with a truck. The DRIVER screams:
DRIVER
What's your problem, schmuck?!
FLETCHER (the truth)
I'm an inconsiderate prick!
Fletcher once again focuses on the blue pen.
FLETCHER (CON "ID) C 'mon, you can do this! The color of the pen is -- RED!
This time he 's , referring to the flashing red light of a POLICE CAR in his rearview mirror.
FLETCHER
Shit!!
Fletcher pulls over. A POLICE OFFICER strolls up.
POLICE OFFICER
Do you know why I stopped you?
FLETCHER Depends on how long you were following me.
POLICE OFFICER Why don't we take it from the top.
FLETCHER (in agony) Here goes I didn't fasten my seatbelt, I didn't glance in my rearview mirror, I d idn ' t s ignal when I pulled away from the curb, I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit :a Chevy Camaro, I almost hit a?
eezer, I sped some more, I ailed to yield at a crosswalk, I changed lanes in the intersection, I changed lanes without signalling, and I changed lanes in the intersection-without signalling while running a red light and speeding.
A long moment.

POLICE OFFICER
May I see your driver's license?

FLETCHER
No.
POLICE OFFICER
And why is that?
FLETCHER
It's in my other pants .
POLICE OFFICER
I see. And where are your other pants?
FLETCHER
Hang ing from my boss 's credenza.
POLICE OFFICER
Do you expect me to believe that?

FLETCHER
No.
POLICE OFFICER
Do you think I'm an idiot?
FLETCHER Yes -- but that's beside the point! My license actually is in my other pants, and they actually were hanging from a credenzaJ I wouldn't lie to you! I mean, I would if I could, but I can't!
POLICE OFFICER I see . So you . .have no reason to try and hide your license from me?
FLETCHER I didn't say that. I have other reasons. Seventeen reasons, to be prec ise .
(begrudgingly,
off the
officer's look) Unpaid parking tickets.
(beseechingly) Be gentle.
EXT. AUDREY'S HOUSE - MORNING
A cab speeds up to the house. Fletcher runs out. Audrey is headed to her car.
FLETCHER
Audrey , wait!
AUDREY
Wait? You know, I just had an insight into myself. I 'm crazy. You call me up and . tell me to wait here because you'll be right over and -here's the crazy part -- I actually wait.
FLETCHER
I can explain--
AUDREY
I missed a department meeting. I. . . Did you come in a cab?
FLETCHER
Yes.
AUDREY
Where 's your car? EXT, POLICE IMPOUND YARD - MORNING
Audrey finishes paying the impound-yard CASHIER and joins Fletcher, who is waiting alongside hundreds of towed cars.
FLETCHER Thank you . . I can 't tell you how much th is means to me .
AUDREY
I can. One thousand, s ix hundred, and fifty-four dollars and eleven cents.
FLETCHER
Ow.
At this moment WE HEAR a hideous scraping noise -- and a TOW-YARD EMPLOYEE whips Fletcher's BMW into view and. parks .. . revealing a prominent new scrape on the door.
FLETCHER (CONT'D) You scratched my car!
TOW-YARD EMPLOYEE
Where?

FLETCHER
Right there!

TOW-YARD EMPLOYEE
Oh that? That was already
there.
FLETCHER
(outraged) Why, you -- you liar! Do you know what I 'm going to do about this?
TOW-YARD EMPLOYEE
What?
FLETCHER
(angrier and angrier) ...Nothing! Because if I take you to small-claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life, and you probably won ' t show up, and if I finally got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway, so what r'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and . then bend over and take it up the tail pipe!

TOW-YARD EMPLOYEE
You've been here before, haven't you?
He flips Fletcher the keys and goes .
AUDREY
Well I can't remember when I 've had more fun, now if you'll excuse me , I have a class.
She starts out.
FLETCHER Audrey, wait. I want to talk to you about this Boston situation.
. AUDREY What do you want to say?
FLETCHER
You can 't go . It's not fair . Taking Max three thousand m iles away is not fa ir.

AUDREY
Let's define "fair." Last night a five-year old boy was crushed because his father lied to him about coming to his birthday party. Fair?
FLETCHER
Last night-AUDREY
-- Was none of my business. When it happened two years ago
it was my business, but now I don't have to care anymore. See, that's the magic of divorce. But it does matter to Max. Everything you do matters to him... and everything you don't do.

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