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Тупой и ещё тупее/ Dumb and Dumber

FADE IN:

EXT. PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND - WINTER MORNING

A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN is standing on the street corner waiting for a bus. She's carrying books and looking very collegiate.

A black stretch LIMOUSINE with darkened windows drives past, SLAMS ON ITS BRAKES, and backs up. The Young Woman stares at her reflection in the windows, wondering what this is all about.

Finally, the REAR PASSENGER WINDOW zips down, revealing LLOYD CHRISTMAS, age 30. He's a pleasant-enough looking guy, if a little shaggy. He's wearing a dark suit.

LLOYD Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supposed to be giving a lecture in twenty minutes and my driver's a bit lost.

YOUNG WOMAN (heavy European accent) Go straight aheads and makes a left over za bridge.

Lloyd checks out her body.

LLOYD I couldn't help noticing the accent. You from Jersey?

YOUNG WOMAN (unimpressed) Austria.

LLOYD Austria? You're kidding. (mock-Australian accent) Well, g'day, mate. What do you say we get together later and throw a few shrimp on the barbie.

The Young Woman turns her back to him and walks away.

LLOYD (CONT'D) (to self) Guess I won't be going Down Under tonight...

He SIGHS and zips the window back up.

2.

INT. LIMO

Lloyd climbs through the driver's partition into the front seat. Then he puts a CHAUFFEUR'S CAP on his head and drives away. We see that HE'S THE DRIVER!

The dispatch radio CRACKLES TO LIFE:

DISPATCHER (v.o.) Carr 22, come in, car 22...

Lloyd grabs his CB mike.

LLOYD This is 22.

DISPATCHER 22, where the hell are you, Lloyd? You're running late on the East Side pick-up.

LLOYD Cool your jets, Arnie. I'm on my way.

DISPATCHER (v.o.) Well hurry it up. And make sure you park legally. One more ticket and your ass is history.

CUT TO:

EXT. MUTT CUTS DOG SALON - DAY This building is white with black spots on it, like a DALMATION. Over the front door is an awning shaped like a DOG'S SNOUT, whiskers included. A van pulls up outside.

The vehicle is decorated like a GIANT POODLE, with four legs hanging off the sides, a tail in the rear, and a dog's snout on the front grill. MUTT CUTS is written on the side of it.

HARRY DUNNE climbs out. He's in his early 30s and dressed in a ridiculous BEAGLE COSTUME, including a CAP WITH FLOPPY EARS. He goes to the rear of the van, opens it, and a swarm of DOGS pile out.

HARRY Okay, gang, single file. You know the rules: No pushing, no humping, and no sniffing heinies...

3.

The door to the shop opens and Harry's annoyed boss, MR. PALMER, sticks his head out.

PALMER Hey, why aren't those mutts on leashes?

HARRY The same reason you're not on a leash, sir because it's demeaning and it chafes like hell.

PALMER Just get them in here now! They all have to be bathed and clipped in an hour.

Palmer disappears back inside. Harry CALLS to the dogs but they pay no attention. He struggles to keep them from wandering off. He grabs a couple of SMALL POOCHES and sits them on a wall.

HARRY You kids stay right here...

As he turns to round up the other, we discover that the wall isn't a wall it's a flatbed truck. The truck drives away, taking the two dogs with it.

HARRY (CONT'D) (at truck) Hey, wait a minute!

Harry chases after the vehicle.

CUT TO: EXT. EAST SIDE ESTATE - DAY

Lloyd Christmas pulls the limousine into a long, tree-lined driveway. He gets out and looks up in awe at an IMPRESSIVE STONE MANSION. He WHISTLES to himself, then walks to the front oor and RINGS THE BELL.

The double-front doors of the mansion open and MARY SWANSON appears. She's 25 and gorgeous. Lloyd's jaw drops open when he lays eyes on her.

MARY Hello. (beat) I'll be just a minute...

4.

As Mary steps back inside, Lloyd takes out a tiny can of Binaca. He sprays his mouth, under his arms, his hair, behind his ears...

CUT TO:

INT. LIMO - DAY

Lloyd is driving and Mary is in the back, looking out the window, lost in thought. She's got a BRIEFCASE resting on her lap and she fingers the leather nervously. Lloyd keeps glancing at her in the rear-view mirror, but for a moment he is speechless. Then:

LLOYD Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?

MARY (dead-pan) How'd you guess?

LLOYD Well, I saw your luggage, then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put two and two together. (beat) So where you heading?

MARY Aspen.

LLOYD Oh, you're gonna love it. I hear California's beautiful this time of year. Mary looks back out the window and Lloyd sneaks another glance.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Name's Christmas. Lloyd Christmas.

MARY I'm Mary.

ON LLOYD - we can almost see his mind work. He's desperate to impress her.

LLOYD Uh, this isn't my real job, you know. It's only temporary.

5.

MARY Oh?

LLOYD Yeah, you see, my friend Harry and I are saving up our money so we can open our own pet store.

MARY That's nice.

LLOYD (smiling) I got worms.

MARY I beg your pardon?

LLOYD That's what we're gonna call it: I Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms you know, like ant farms. A lot of people don't realize that worms make much better pets than ants. They're quiet, affectionate, they don't bite, and they're super with the kids.

MARY Aren't ants quiet, too?

Lloyd realizes she has a point.

LLOYD Uh... well, sure but they aren't half as affectionate. And if you cut an ant's head off, it won't grow back.

MARY I see.

LLOYD And best of all, worm farming is a seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year industry. I wouldn't mind having a piece of that pie, if you know what I mean.

To her credit, she doesn't. They continue driving. Mary looks at her watch and crosses her legs. Lloyd can see that she's concerned about something.

6.

LLOYD (CONT'D) What's the matter? Little tense about the flight?

MARY (beat) Something like that.

Lloyd SWIVELS AROUND and STARES over his shoulder at her.

LLOYD It's really nothing to worry about, Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like in a head-on crash, or something.

MARY Um, Lloyd, could please keep your eyes on the road.

LLOYD Good thinking. There's a lot of bad rivers out there.

Lloyd turns back to the steering wheel.

CUT TO:

EXT. AIRPORT - DAY

Lloyd is putting the last bags on a cart. He closes the trunk and turns to Mary. She looks nervous and disconcerted as she reaches into her purse. She pulls out a ten-dollar tip.

MARY Here you go.

LLOYD Keep it. It was my pleasure.

For the first time, Mary Swanson offers a slight smile. This makes her more lovely than ever.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Relax, Mary. Just get trashed and pass out. You'll be there before you know it.

MARY Thanks Lloyd. (beat) And good luck with your worms.

7.

Then she PICKS UP HER BRIEFCASE and walks into the terminal, followed by a PORTER pushing her bags. Lloyd watches her, ENCHANTED, until she's out of sight.

Afterwards, he climbs back into the limo, LOVESICK. For a moment he doesn't even have the energy to turn the key. He just drops his head against the steering wheel, DEVASTATED. There's a TAP on the window. Lloyd looks up to see a POLICE OFFICER standing there.

POLICE OFFICER Come on, move it, you're in a red zone.

Lloyd starts the limo and pulls away.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

Mary looks tense as she moves through the throngs of travelers. Her pace is slow, deliberate, and her eyes are focused straight ahead.

She passes a row of phone botths and two MEN one dressed in an ARMANI SUIT, the other in a PLAID SPORTCOAT watch her.

ARMANI SUIT She's gonna leave the briefcase at the foot of the escalator. You make the pick-up.

PLAID SPORTCOAT Piece of cake.

EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY As Lloyd pulls his limo slowly away, he glances in the airport window and SEES MARY

WALKING ALONG.

When she stops at the foot of the escalator, he stops, too. She puts down the briefcase and checks her coat pocket for her ticket. Lloyd's attention is distracted by a HONK. He turns to see a car irectly behind him.

LLOYD (to car's driver) Drive around me, you pinhead!

When he turns back to watch Mary in the terminal he sees that SHE'S GONE, and she's LEFT HER BRIEFCASE AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS. Lloyd jumps to ATTENTION.

8.

He pulls the car into a HANDICAPPED SPOT and hops out. He starts to run into the terminal, then notices the Police Officer and suddenly goes into a spastic walk, limping and dragging him leg behind him like a palsy victim.

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL

The Armani Man nods to the Plaid Sportcoat and he starts to approach the briefcase. Just as Plaid Sportcoat is reaching for the handle, LLOYD RUNS BY AND GRABS IT. He CONTINUES UP THE ESCALATOR three steps at a time. The two men look at each other, dumbstruck.

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - BOARDING GATE

Lloyd runs with the briefcase to the TV monitors that post the departure times. He looks frantically at the confusion of numbers.

LLOYD Damn!

QUICK CUT of a dejected Lloyd looking out the window as he watches as Mary's airplane taxiing away.

EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

Lloyd comes out with the briefcase, passing the two men, who FOLLOW HIM AT A DISTANCE. He starts walking down the sidewalk when suddenly he STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.

HIS POV - his limo is being towed away under the supervision of the Police Officer.

He takes off after it, but to no avail. LLOYD You can't do this! I'll lose my job!

As Lloyd watches the limo get towed out of site, he runs his fingers through his hair.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON

We see the Mutt Cuts van pull up and park at the curb. A dejected Harry climbs out. At the same time, a taxi pulls up and drops off Lloyd. (He's clutching Mary Swanson's briefcase.) Both he and Harry climb the steps of the building. They disappear inside without acknowledging each other.

9.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET - a black Cadillac pulls up and parks. Inside are the Armani suit and the Sportcoat. They are J.P. SHAY and JOSEPH MENTALINO (aka JOE

MENTAL).

MENTAL Who the hell do you figure this guy's working for?

SHAY I don't know, but we'd better find out...

Mental takes some PILLS and starts CHOMPING them.

SHAY (CONT'D) Your ulcer?

MENTAL It ain't gonna kill me.

INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR

Lloyd and Harry trudge up the stairs and proceed silently toward the door of their apartment.

INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

Lloyd and Harry ENTER and pass each other quietly as they both plunk down in their favorite easy chairs. (Lloyd still has the briefcase in his lap.) Harry's caged parakeet, PETEY, tweets hello, but the two guys just sit there SILENTLY.

The place is a mess. Wallpaper's peeling off the walls. The carpet is threadbare and filthy. In the corner we see a miniature WORM FARM and a large terrarium filled with dirt and worms. Here are a couple pieces of haggard furniture with stuffing spilling out of the gashes.

HARRY I got fired again.

Lloyd shakes his head.

LLOYD I don't mean to be harsh, Harry, but let's face it, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.

HARRY None taken. Were you shitcanned, too?

10.

LLOYD Of course not. (beat) I quit.

HARRY Why'd you quit?

LLOYD I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire me.

HARRY Why didn't you wait and see if your suspicions were well-founded?

LLOYD Winners control their own destiny, Har.

Lloyd fetches a couple beers from the fridge and throws one to him.

HARRY You know, the thing that really chaps my ass is that I just spent my life savings turning my van into a poodle. (beat) The alarm alone cost me two hundred.

LLOYD Big deal. That car's an old bomb anyway.

HARRY What are you talking about? It's only six years old.

LLOYD That's forty-two in dog years.

They open their beers and drink simultaneously. Then Harry notices the briefcase.

HARRY What's with the briefcase?

LLOYD It's a love memento.

HARRY Huh?

11.

LLOYD The most beautiful woman alive. Her name was Mary. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran high, breasts heaved. She left this case in the terminal and flew to Aspen and out of my life. End of story.

HARRY What's in it?

LLOYD DO you really expect me to go snooping around in someone else's private property?

HARRY Why not?

LLOYD (beat) It's locked.

They take another sip of their beers. Suddenly we hear a LOUD KNOCK at the door. Petey the parakeet starts to SQUAWK. The guys look at each other, ALARMED, then Harry tip-toes to the

PEEPHOLE.

HARRY'S POV - a DISTORTED-LOOKING J.P. Shay and Joe Mental are standing at the door.

LLOYD (CONT'D) (WHISPERING to Harry) Friend or foe?

HARRY (WHISPERING) We don't have any friends.

Harry is still squinting out the peephole.

HARRY (CONT'D) Can't recognize them. Could be student loan thugs again, or the IRS, or maybe somebody pissed off about that case of Girl Scout cookies you bounced a check on.

12.

LLOYD Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The little swindlers gave me Peanut Butter Praline.

HARRY Well, whoever they are, they look serious. One of them's even wearing plaid.

LLOYD (cringing) That's a hostile pattern. I say we bail and get down to unemployment.

Lloyd GRABS THE BRIEFCASE and the two of them EXIT out the window and down the fire escape.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON

The poodle van pulls up to the curb in front of the building and PARKS NEXT TO A FIRE HYDRANT. Lloyd and Harry climb out. Lloyd takes a trash can and places it OVER THE

HYDRANT, COVERING IT COMPLETELY.

INT. STANLEY GRABNER'S OFFICE - UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON

STANLEY GRABNER is small, plump, balding, not a lot of laughs.

GRABNER Gentlemen, I'm delighted to say that neither I nor the unemployment epartment of the state of Rhose Island can do anything for you. (beat) You've run out of chances. You're unemployable. Remember last year? Middle of winter I busted my butt to

GET YOU BOTH PRIME JOBS. TWELVE-

fifty an hour, and you went and blew it!

LLOYD Blew it? For your information, we only missed three days in two months.

HARRY Yeah, and that was because of a blizzard

13.

GRABNER (exploding) YOU WERE SNOW PLOW OPERATORS!

Grabner falls back in his chair, exhausted.

HARRY Come on, Stan. I'm sure you can find something else for us. How about another crack at that Suicide Hotline?

Grabner jumps up.

GRABNER OUT!!!!!

CUT TO:

INT. HARRY & LLOYD'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

J.P. Shay is looking through Harry and Lloyd's kitchen cupboards as Joe Mental comes out of the bedroom.

MENTAL The briefcase ain't here. He must've taken it with him.

J.P. SHAY Shit. (beat) Well he's gotta come home sometime.

Joe Mental ominously approaches Petey the parakeet's cage.

MENTAL Maybe we should leave him a little message to let 'em know we're playing hardball.

Mental opens the cage door and wraps his meaty fist around the bird, who SCREECHES IN

TERROR.

MENTAL (CONT'D) (a la Tweety Bird) I taut I taw a puddy cat.

Mental smiles, and as we PAN to J.P. Shay, we hear a bone- chilling O.S. SNAP and Petey the bird stops SQUAWKING.

14.

MENTAL (CONT'D) (still Tweety) I did, I did...

DISSOLVE TO:

The Mutt Cuts van pulls up to the curb. A depressed Lloyd and Harry climb out and mope up to their apartment building entrance.

LLOYD Give me what's left of our dough. I'll go to the corner and buy a few necessities.

Harry hands his friend some crumpled bills.

LLOYD (CONT'D) What's cheaper, Thunderbird or Night Train?

HARRY Get Robitussin it's a better buzz.

CUT TO:

EXT. CORNER GROCERY STORE - NIGHT

Lloyd comes out of the store with his arms full of groceries. He stops at a newspaper machine, pulls out his WALLET and removes a quarter.

He drops the quarter in the machine, opens it, and realizes that he DOESN'T HAVE A FREE HAND to pick up the newspaper. He puts his wallet inside the machine, picks up the newspaper, and as he does so THE MACHINE SLAMS SHUT WITH HIS WALLET STILL INSIDE.

Lloyd SIGHS, puts his grocery bags on the machine, and checks his pockets. NO MORE CHANGE. Just then, an ELDERLY WOMAN struggles by using a WALKER.

LLOYD Excuse me, little old lady, do you have change for a dollar?

ELDERLY WOMAN Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't...

LLOYD Well could you do me a favor and guard this while I go break a dollar? My wallet's locked in this machine.

15.

ELDERLY LADY Of course, young man...

Lloyd runs back into the store. We HOLD ON THE STORE DOOR as Lloyd EXITS a few seconds later with a handful of quarters. Suddenly he stops in his tracks. The ELDERLY LADY, HER WALKER, AND HIS GROCERIES ARE GONE. As he takes a closer look, he sees that

SHE HAS TAKEN HIS WALLET ALSO.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING STAIRWELL - NIGHT

A thoroughly beleaguered Lloyd is trudging empty-handed up the steps to his apartment.

INT. LLOYD & HARRY'S APARTMENT

The door opens and Lloyd ENTERS. Harry is sitting on the couch, looking almost comatose.

HARRY Where's the booze?

LLOYD It's gone. I got robbed by Grandma Walton. She got my wallet, too.

Harry drops his head and lets out a MOAN.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Come on, man, cheer up. We've been own before. I'm sure we'll land on our heads somewhere. HARRY It gets worse, Lloyd. My parakeet Petey he's... he's dead.

Lloyd looks touched by this.

LLOYD Oh man, I'm sorry, Harry. What happened?

HARRY His head fell off.

LLOYD His head fell off?

16.

HARRY Yeah, he was pretty old.

Lloyd puts his hand on Harry's shoulder compassionately.

LLOYD (hopeful) I don't suppose he had a warranty...?

HARRY Nah, I bought him used.

As Lloyd thinks about the unfairness of life, he grows upset.

LLOYD That's it! I've had it with this ump! We don't have food, we don't have jobs, our pets' heads are falling off, we're surrounded by roving gangs of larcenous old

LADIES...

HARRY Okay, calm down.

LLOYD No I won't calm down.

Lloyd flops down in a chair.

LLOYD (CONT'D) What the hell are we doing here anyway, Harry? We've got to get out of this town. HARRY Yeah, and go where?

LLOYD I'll tell you where: someplace warm, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. (dramatic PAUSE) I'm talking about Aspen.

HARRY Aspen?

LLOYD That's right, Aspen.

17.

HARRY I don't know, Lloyd, the French are assholes.

LLOYD Let me ask you something: do you want to end up like Petey dead in some flea-ridden apartment, face- down on a Dear Abby column, with a soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Or do you want to enjoy your life? (beat) Come on, Harry, don't let Petey's eath be in vain. Don't you see what he was saying? Spread your wings, man. he was saying? Spread your wings, man. Fly.

HARRY (confused) What are you talking about, Lloyd? His head fell off. (dawning realization) Wait a second, I know what you're up to. You just wanna go to Aspen so you can find that girl who lost her briefcase and you need me to drive you there.

LLOYD That's bullshit. I'll drive. (beat) And what's so wrong about going someplace where we know someone who can plug us into the social pipeline? HARRY (torn) I don't know, Lloyd. I think we should stay here, hunt for jobs, and keep saving money for the worm store. I'm getting a little sick and tired of always running from creditors.

Lloyd moves to the window and looks out at the gray, wintry cityscape.

LLOYD You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry? I'm sick and tired of having to eek my way through life. I'm sick and tired of being a nobody. (MORE)

18.

LLOYD (CONT'D) (beat) But most of all, I'm sick and tired of having nobody.

There's a deadly SILENCE as they both think about this. Then Harry tries to lighten the mood. He opens his arms wide.

HARRY Come on, Lloyd. Give us a kiss.

LLOYD On the other hand, maybe you're right, Harry. Maybe we should stay here and try our luck in bankruptcy court. With all those lawsuits against us, I'm sure we'll win at least one. It could be a boost to our egos.

Harry sees that Lloyd has a point. He stands and approaches Petey's cage. His eyes fill with tears.

HARRY (emotional) Petey, I made a promise to you once, man... (thinking hard) ...and I'll be damned if I can remember what it was.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

The Mutt Cutts van is going down the highway while Danny Wilson's "Mary's Prayer" plays on the soundtrack. The van drives past and we HOLD ON a sign that reads: "YOU ARE LEAVING

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND. COME BACK SOON." VARIOUS OTHER AERIAL

SHOTS of the car travelling down the road while the song continues to play.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY

Harry's behind the wheel and Lloyd's in the passenger seat. The Animal's "We've Got to Get Out of This Place" is BLASTING on the radio and the guys are SINGING ALONG:

19.

LLOYD & HARRY "We've got to get out of this place, If it's the last thing we ever do, We've got to get out of this place, Girl, there's a better life, for me and you..."

Lloyd turns down the radio.

LLOYD Well, we're finally doing it. Do you realize that in all the years we've known each other, this is the first time we've done this together.

HARRY Been run out of town?

LLOYD Taken a trip.

Harry reaches over and UNDOES HIS SEATBELT. Lloyd watches, curious.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Why'd you do that?

HARRY What?

LLOYD Take your seatbelt off.

HARRY Because we just cleared the danger zone. LLOYD Huh?

HARRY Don't you know anything, Lloyd? Ninety percent of all accidents happen within five miles of home. We've already traveled 6.3 miles.

LLOYD THINKS ABOUT THIS. THEN:

LLOYD Well what about the people who live around here? What if we got into an accident with one of them?

20.

Harry considers this, then sheepishly puts his seatbelt back on. Lloyd opens a bag of Doritos and fiddles with the radio.

HARRY Where'd you get those?

LLOYD Bought 'em when we filled up.

HARRY Lloyd, I thought we agreed to confer on all expenditures. We're on a tight budget, remember?

LLOYD This didn't come out of our travel fund. I was able to scrape up twenty- five bucks before we left. You know, so we could live in style.

HARRY Where'd you get twenty-five extra bucks?

LLOYD I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C.

HARRY You mean the blind kid?

LLOYD That's right.

Lloyd looks out the window guiltily.

HARRY What did you sell him, Lloyd?

LLOYD Just some odds and ends.

HARRY Specifically?

LLOYD Oh, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles, Petey, three comic books a second, are you telling me you sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Well who else was I gonna sell it to?

HARRY But Lloyd, Petey didn't even have a head.

21.

LLOYD Put your mind at ease, friend. I took care of it.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

At the bottom of the stairs leading up to the building is a little blind boy, BILLY. He sits in a wheelchair playing with a PARAKEET WHOSE HEAD IS SCOTCH-TAPED ON. He throws the ead bird up, but it flops into his lap.

BILLY Fly!

Joe Mental and J.P. Shay approach and climb the steps.

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON A NOTE - taped to Harry and Lloyd's apartment door. It reads: TO ALL OUR

LOVED ONES - PACKED UP AND DROVE TO ASPEN - HAVE A NICE LIFE - LLOYD AND HARRY.

PULLBACK to reveal Joe Mental and J.P. Shay.

MENTAL Those bastards. They're rubbing it right in our faces.

J.P. SHAY Shit! Andre will have a goddamn aneurysm if we don't get that briefcase back. MENTAL Don't worry, we'll get it back. And I'll tell you something else. They ain't gonna reach Aspen, either. I'll make sure of that.

Mental takes out more ANTACID PILLS and starts to chew on them.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

A pissed-off Shay and Mental EXIT the building. Mental pops more antacid pills into his mouth as they descend the stairs. Little Billy is still tossing the lifeless parakeet into the air.

22.

BILLY Come on, boy, fly!

Plop. Then Billy hears Shay and Mental on the steps and CALLS OUT:

BILLY (CONT'D) Excuse me, mister. Is there something wrong with my bird?

Mental picks up the bird, studies it, then angrily and WINGS IT DOWN THE STREET as hard as he can.

MENTAL Don't worry, Ironside, he just flew south for the winter.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON

Harry is still driving while Lloyd studies a map spread out before him.

HARRY How far have we gone?

LLOYD According to this map, about an inch and a half.

HARRY Shit. We're gonna need a smaller map or we'll never get there. We don't have enough gas money. LLOYD Relax. We have more than enough.

HARRY I believe you're wrong, Lloyd.

LLOYD And I believe I'm right, Harry.

HARRY I still say wrong, Lloyd.

LLOYD How much you wanna bet?

HARRY I don't bet.

23.

Lloyd looks at his friend, incredulous.

LLOYD What do you mean you don't bet?

HARRY I mean I don't gamble, you know that. Never have and never will.

LLOYD Oh, bull. I'll bet you our next meal that I can get you gambling before the day's out.

HARRY There's no way, Lloyd. You can't do it.

LLOYD I'll give you three-to-one odds. That's three feedbags if you win, against only one if you lose.

HARRY You're wasting your money, Lloyd. I already told you, I don't gamble.

LLOYD Okay, five-to-one I can get you gambling before the day's out.

HARRY Sorry, pal, no way.

LLOYD Make it ten-to-one. Harry sticks out his hand.

HARRY You got yourself a bet, sucker!

As Harry SHAKES LLOYD'S HAND, Lloyd breaks into a BIG SMILE. Harry immediately realizes he's been had.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFE - AFTERNOON

The Mutt Cutt van is sandwiched between mountainous tractor- trailer trucks.

24.

INT. TRUCK STOP CAFE

Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a booth, surrounded by tables of tough-looking TRUCKERS. Harry oesn't look happy. A middle- aged, no-nonsense WAITRESS approaches their table with a couple of burgers and drinks. She puts them down in front of the boys and starts to walk away.

LLOYD (to Waitress)

UH, EXCUSE ME...

The Waitress reluctantly returns to the table.

LLOYD (CONT'D) What's the soup du jour?

WAITRESS It's the soup-of-the-day.

LLOYD Sounds tasty. I'll have a bowl.

WAITRESS (sarcastic) Anything else before I leave the area?

HARRY Actually, this chocolate milk isn't mixed very well. Could you please bring me a spoon?

The Waitress SIGHS and picks up the milk. Then she BLOWS INTO THE STRAW, MIXING THE DRINK.

WAITRESS There. Now you don't need one.

The guys watch her stomp away.

LLOYD

FEELS GOOD TO MINGLE WITH THESE LAID-

back country-folk, don't it, Harry?

Harry wipes off his straw with a napkin. As he moves to put it in the ashtray, he accidentally

KNOCKS OVER THE SALT SHAKER.

25.

LLOYD Uh-oh...

HARRY What's the matter?

LLOYD You spilled the salt. That's bad luck. We're driving across the country and the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss a handful of salt over your right shoulder.

HARRY What for?

LLOYD Because that's good luck.

Harry shrugs, shakes some salt into his palm, and flings it over his shoulder. Suddenly they hear a

YELP.

MALE VOICE (o.s.) What the fuck?!

LLOYD Or was it the left shoulder?

They turn and see a burly TRUCKER wiping salt out of his eyes.

TRUCKER Who's the dead man threw shit in my eye?

The huge Trucker stands and squints at Lloyd and Harry. He's wearing a FOAM BASEBALL CAP that says: WINE 'EM, DINE 'EM, SIXTY-NINE 'EM.

HARRY It was a terrible accident, Sir. Believe me, I would never do anything to offend a man of your size. Please accept my most sincere apology.

The Trucker GROWLS and approaches the table, egged on by his equally burly FRIENDS.

BURLY FRIEND #1 Teach him a lesson, Sea Bass!

26.

Sea Bass glares down at Harry's hamburger.

SEA BASS You gonna eat that?

HARRY Um... the thought had crossed my mind.

At this, Sea Bass leans over and DROPS A BIG, BROWN WAD OF TOBACCO SPIT ONTO

THE HAMBURGER.

SEA BASS Still want it?

Harry stares at the burger non-commitally.

HARRY Nah, you go ahead.

Sea Bass picks up the burger and walks back to his table, to the LAUGHTER of his friends.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFE - AFTERNOON

J.P. Shay is at the gas pump filling the black Cadillac while Joe Mental stretches his legs. A large truck pulls away, REVEALING THE PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN MUTT CUTTS VAN. Mental smiles at this, and we

CUT TO:

INT. TRUCK STOP CAFE The Waitress drops the check on Lloyd and Harry's table and STOMPS away. Harry studies the bill and SIGHS.

HARRY Perfect. I'm out eight bucks and I still haven't eaten.

LLOYD Well if you'd stop picking fights with the locals... (brightening) Wait a second. I think I just had an idea. Follow me...

Lloyd stands and walks over to Sea Bass and his pals. A nervous Harry trails after him.

27.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Excuse me, gentlemen, I'd just like to apologize for that unpleasant scene a little earlier.

SEA BASS Huh?

LLOYD What I'm trying to say is, my friend and I would like to buy you guys a round of beers, just to bury the hatchet.

Harry stares at Lloyd like he's out of his mind, but the Truckers seem to like the idea.

SEA BASS Make it four boiler-makers.

LLOYD Whatever you want, sir. I'll have the waitress send them over. Oh, and fellas hope to see you again down the road.

Lloyd and Harry move away from the table toward the CASHIER.

HARRY Lloyd, what are you doing? You know we can't afford to buy them drinks.

Lloyd hands the Cashier their check.

LLOYD Um, Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check. They said just add this to their tab.

CASHIER (skeptical) Sea Bass said that?

LLOYD Well, if that guy at the table over there is Sea Bass...

He points across the room to Sea Bass and company. Sea Bass NODS TO THE CASHIER AND GESTURES TO HIS TABLE, NOT WANTING TO MISS OUT ON HIS FREE DRINK. The Cashier is convinced.

CASHIER Okey-dokey, if that's what he wants...

28.

Harry smiles at this. He grabs a couple Beef Jerky's, a candy bar, and a copy of The National Enquirer off the counter.

HARRY Oh, and put these on there, too.

CASHIER You got it.

LLOYD (to Cashier) By the way, how far is it to Rhode Island from here?

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFE - AFTERNOON

The front door BURSTS OPEN and a red-faced Sea Bass STORMS OUT, followed by his buddies, the Cashier, and the Waitress.

SEA BASS I'm gonna kill those sons-of-bitches!

CASHIER Hurry and you'll catch 'em. They was on their way to Rhode Island.

The Truckers jump in their rigs and RUMBLE AWAY in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION our boys are headed.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON

The Mutt Cutts van breezes by. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON

A jubilant Harry's driving and chewing on a mouthful of Beef Jerky.

LLOYD I just wish we could've seen Sea Bass's face when he got the bill.

HARRY I hope we never have to.

LLOYD Don't worry. That fish-head is probably half-way to Providence by now.

29.

HARRY I hope so.

Harry checks his rear-view mirror nervously.

LLOYD Hey, stop the car. I gotta take a whiz.

HARRY Are you crazy? I'm not stopping now. What if they figure out we went the other way. They'll be on us in no time.

LLOYD But I gotta go. What am I supposed to do?

HARRY Hold it.

LLOYD I can't hold it. I'm about to explode.

HARRY Well... just take a whiz in an empty beer bottle. There's a couple on the floor in the back seat.

LLOYD Are you serious?

HARRY Yes, I'm serious. I'm not stopping now. We could get killed. Lloyd SIGHS. He takes an EMPTY BEER BOTTLE from the back seat and UNZIPS his fly. Suddenly we hear a PEEING SOUND. Then:

LLOYD Uh-oh...

HARRY What's the matter?

LLOYD The bottle's almost full and I'm still going.

HARRY Well stop going.

30.

LLOYD I can't stop once I already started, you know that. Quick, get me another bottle.

Harry can BARELY HOLD THE STEERING WHEEL as he reaches way in the back seat for an empty.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Jesus, be careful! You almost went off the road.

HARRY I'm sorry, Lloyd. I'm doing the best I can.

He hands Lloyd another empty and Lloyd quickly makes the switch.

LLOYD Here, hold this.

Before Harry knows it he's holding the full BOTTLE OF URINE.

EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY

As the Mutt Cutts van travels down the highway, it passes a STATE TROOPER on a motorcycle hidden in the bushes. The Trooper takes off after them.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN

Harry is doing his best to steer while now holding FIVE FULL BOTTLES AND Lloyd is still going at it in the passenger seat.

HARRY What are you, a goddamn camel?

LLOYD Hey, I haven't gone all day.

Just then they hear a LOUDSPEAKER:

STATE TROOPER (o.s.) Pull over!

They turn to see the POLICE MOTORCYCLE cruising right beside then. Harry rolls down his window and CALLS OUT:

HARRY Huh?

31.

STATE TROOPER PULL OVER!

Harry glances down at his sweater he's wearing, then back at the Trooper.

HARRY (calling out) No, it's a Cardigan! But thanks for noticing!

He rolls his window back up and turns to an equally baffled Lloyd.

HARRY (CONT'D) Jesus, what is this, the fashion police?

The Cop turns on his SIREN.

STATE TROOPER PULL YOUR CAR TO THE SIDE OF THE

ROAD!

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY

The STATE TROOPER is walking up beside the stopped Mutt Cutts van, staring at it with isapproval.

STATE TROOPER License and registration, please.

Harry hands him the papers. STATE TROOPER (CONT'D) You know, you fellas were all over the road back there.

HARRY Yes, sir, we had a little... ifficulty in the car.

STATE TROOPER Uh-huh. (beat) Have you boys been doing a little rinking maybe?

HARRY No, sir.

32.

STATE TROOPER Then what's that?

He points to the OPEN, FULL BEER BOTTLES hidden in the seat between them.

HARRY Oh, that's nothing, sir.

STATE TROOPER Do you know it's against the law to rive with an open alcohol container in this state?

LLOYD But, your honor, he's telling the truth. It's not beer.

The officer smirks.

STATE TROOPER Is that right?

The Trooper reaches in and picks up one of the bottles. He inspects the beer label, then MOVES

THE BOTTLE TO HIS LIPS.

HARRY Sir, I wouldn't TROOPER --You'd keep your mouth shut if you knew what was good for you.

LLOYD (under breath) YOU WOULD, TOO...

Harry shoots Lloyd a look as the Trooper begins GULPING down the piss. He pauses uncertainly and a SICK LOOK COMES OVER HIS FACE. He takes a DEEP BREATH. Then:

STATE TROOPER (pained) Get the hell out of here.

CUT TO:

The Mutt Cutts van is pulling back onto the highway while the officer remains in the breakdown lane with his hands on his knees.

CUT TO:

33.

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

The van is making steady progress through the dark night.

INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - NIGHT

Lloyd is driving now while Harry sleeps in the passenger seat. The song, "Cut Flowers" by The Smithereens, starts to play as Lloyd FANTASIZES about his future in Aspen.

DISSOLVE TO:

LLOYD'S FANTASY:

Lloyd is walking up the steps of a luxurious, snow-covered chalet, carrying Mary's briefcase. The sky is absurdly blue and children are making a snowman on the lawn. It's all out of a dream world. He KNOCKS on the door, tentatively. Mary opens it. She looks at him, then at the briefcase, and breaks into the BIGGEST, SWEETEST SMILE he's ever seen. Then she slowly backs into the house, gesturing for him to follow...

Lloyd follows Mary down a hallway. As he trails after her, she pulls off her shirt, revealing her bare back, and glances over her shoulder at him.

CAMERA MOVES around a corner and now we're in a STEAMY BATHROOM. The shower is running and we see the silhouette of two people behind the curtain.

LLOYD (v.o.)

OOH... OOH... MARY...

MARY (v.o.) How does that feel, Lloyd?

LLOYD (v.o.)

MMMM... TINGLY...

INT. SHOWER

CLOSE ON LLOYD - we see he's taking the TEGRIN CHALLENGE, with different shampoos on either side of his head and a noticeable part down the middle.

MARY (o.s.) How's the other side?

34.

LLOYD Nothing. Nothing at all.

MARY (o.s.) Lloyd, will you wash my nipples...?

ON MARY - her hair is slicked back, making her look better than ever. As the CAMERA PANS DOWN toward her breasts, we are surprised to see not breasts but a SET OF HEADLIGHTS SUPERIMPOSED OVER HER CHEST AREA. The headlights FLASH ONCE. Then TWICE.

ON LLOYD - he blinks, confused at what's happening.

JUMP CUT TO - an eighteen-wheeler is ROARING RIGHT TOWARD THE MUTT CUTTS VAN on the highway. Lloyd quickly veers back into his lane and avoids tragedy by a whisker. A shaken Lloyd lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF, and we

CUT TO:

EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON HOTEL - NIGHT

The Mutt Cutts van is parked outside this seedy establishment. A neon sign blinks: GROUP

DISCOUNTS - HAVE YOUR NEXT AFFAIR HERE.

HARRY (v.o.) I don't know, Lloyd, I feel a little sleazy staying here when we're not even engaged.

LLOYD (v.o.) Hey, it's the only motel that charges by the hour. We can't afford anything else.

INT. BATHROOM - SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL

Lloyd and Harry are sitting in a large, HEART-SHAPED JACUZZI. Lloyd is sipping a beer and Harry is absorbed in the Enquirer as the water swirls around them.

LLOYD Yep, this sure is the life. Cold beer, a hot tube, and fuzzy pink sheets... You know, there's only one thing that could make this moment any better.

35.

HARRY What's that?

LLOYD If you had a nice set of knockers.

HARRY That's two things, Lloyd.

LLOYD Right now I'd settle for one.

Lloyd takes a swig of beer. Harry puts down the paper and looks around at the romantic decor.

HARRY I don't know, Lloyd, these places just don't do it for me. Brings back too many memories.

LLOYD What happened, Harry? Some little filly break your heart?

HARRY Nah, it was a girl. Fraida Felcher. We stayed at a place like this once No-Tell Motel out on Route 31.

LLOYD Felcher? You mean the babe who worked for the tractor company?

Harry nods.

HARRY The same. We had this incredibly romantic time. Boy, I thought we'd be together forever. (SIGHS) Then about a week later, right out of the blue, she sends me a John Deere letter.

LLOYD That's cold, Har. Give you any reason?

HARRY I called her up and she gave me some crap about me not listening to her enough or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention.

36.

Harry reaches for a beer and busts it open. He takes a big gulp.

HARRY (CONT'D) Thing that really hurts is I think she was seeing another guy. Never id find out who.

ON LLOYD - he does his best to hide his GUILT.

CUT TO:

EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL - NIGHT

We see that the black Cadillac is parked a few cars over from the Mutt Cutts van with J.P. Shay in the passenger seat. PAN OVER to a payphone. Inside is Joe Mental. Outside the booth, an ANXIOUS MAN impatiently paces back and forth as he waits for the phone.

MENTAL (into phone) The boys are holed-up in a little love nest for the night. I think they're a couple of fucking weirdos.

INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT

NICHOLAS ANDRE is pacing around the room with a cordless phone. He's in his late 30s, wears a ponytail, and dresses in Aspen/Rodeo Drive chic.

ANDRE What in hell are those guys up to? Is it possible that they're Feds? INTERCUT CONVERSATION

MENTAL Unlikely from what I've seen.

The ANXIOUS MAN taps on the phone booth and motions for Mental to hang up.

ANDRE I don't like this one goddamn bit, Mental. You and Shay were supposed to grab that bag so we could end this shit. Now I don't know what the hell's going on.

Andre SIGHS and wipes some perspiration from his upper lip. The Anxious Man KNOCKS on the booth again.

37.

MENTAL Hold on a second, Mr. Andre...

Mental puts the phone down and motions the Anxious Man closer to the booth. The Man moves forward a few inches. Mental motions him even closer. When he's about a foot away, Mental punches his hand through the glass of the booth and knocks the Anxious Man out cold. Then

Mental picks up the phone again.

MENTAL (CONT'D) Sorry, boss. You were saying...?

ANDRE Look, Mental, just find out what they're up to. I want to know who these guys are.

MENTAL Don't worry. I'm on it.

Mental hangs up the phone, looks around to make sure he's not being watched, then approaches the parked Mutt Cutt van. He's joined by J.P. Shay.

As they get within five feet of the vehicle, we hear a LOW GROWL. They stop in their tracks and turn, expecting to see a dog but there isn't one. They both take another step forward, and the GROWL GETS LOUDER AND MEANER. Again, Mental and Shay stop. He peeks under the car. Nothing.

SHAY What the fuck...?

Finally, Shay reaches for the door handle. As soon as he touches it, though, the car alarm goes off but instead of a siren, it's the incredibly annoying sound of a POODLE YAPPING. Mental jumps back and pulls his gun.

MENTAL Where's the goddamn dog?

Shay shrugs, nervous. The YAPPING grows EVEN LOUDER now, forcing a flustered Shay and Mental to retreat from the scene.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SWANSON CHALET - ASPEN - NIGHT

ESTABLISHING SHOT of a luxurious mountainside home.

38.

INT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET

An agitated Mary Swanson (the young woman who lost her briefcase) is pacing back and forth in

AN IMPRESSIVE, ANTIQUE-FILLED LIVING ROOM. SEATED ON A COUCH ARE HER FATHER KARL AND HIS MUCH-

younger second wife, HELEN.

MARY It just doesn't make any sense. I left the money exactly where they instructed me to.

HELEN Actually, it makes a great deal of sense, Mary. We should have called in the authorities the moment we knew Melvin had been kidnapped.

KARL Now, Helen, we've been through this already for Christ's sake, Karl, these bastards will extort us into bankruptcy if we let them.

MARY But I'd never forgive myself if something happened to Melvin.

KARL Stop upsetting my daughter, Helen. She's been through quite enough already. MARY It's not her fault, Daddy. We're all a little on edge.

Just then the living room door opens and the pony tailed Nicholas Andre ENTERS. He looks appropriately solemn.

ANDRE Has there been any word, Mr. Swanson?

KARL Nothing yet, Nicholas.

Andre looks upset.

ANDRE Perhaps I should call off the Preservation benefit this weekend.

39.

IT WOULD BE EASY ENOUGH TO RE-

schedule.

HELEN No, Nicholas, it's imperative that we carry on as usual.

The atmosphere in the room couldn't be more somber. Karl Swanson holds his hand out to his aughter.

KARL Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll do everything they ask. Nothing's going to happen to Melvin, I promise you.

MARY Thank you, Daddy.

Karl Swanson looks out the window, concerned.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

The black Cadillac pulls over to the side of the road. Joe Mental gets out of the car and props the hood open. He takes out his gun, SLIDES IN A NEW CLIP, and puts it back in his pocket.

MENTAL (to Shay) Lie down on the front seat. After they pick me up I want you to follow us. Then he folds his arms and the two killers wait for the van to come along.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY

Lloyd taps Harry's shoulder.

LLOYD You're it.

Harry taps Lloyd back.

HARRY You're it.

Lloyd immediately taps Harry.

40.

LLOYD You're it. Quitsies.

HARRY (tapping him back) Anti-quitsies. You're it. Quitsies. No anti-quitsies. No startsies.

Lloyd shakes his head, defeated.

LLOYD Damn, you're good, Harry. (beat) Hey, didn't I tell you this trip would be a blast?

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Joe Mental squints down the road, sees the Mutt Cutts van approaching, and starts WAVING HIS HANDS to flag them down.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN

Through the windshield we can see Mental waving. The guys don't slow down, through. The just WAVE BACK as they BLOW RIGHT BY HIM. Harry also toots the horn, which makes the

SOUND OF A DOG BARKING.

LLOYD See, I told you these country folks were friendly, Harry.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

As an angry Mental watches them disappear down the road, Shay sits up in the front seat.

SHAY What happened?

MENTAL These fuckers are really pissing me off now.

CUT TO:

EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER THAT DAY

We hear The Zombie's 'Time of the Season' as the van flashes by.

41.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY

HARRY Refresh my memory on something, Lloyd: what exactly do we do when we get to Aspen?

LLOYD Well the first thing we do is take a good deep breath of that famous Aspenese air.

HARRY Fresh, huh?

LLOYD The freshest. They say on any day of the week you can smell a moose-fart ten miles away.

HARRY (sincere) Wow... talk about paradise. (beat) And after we're finished breathing, what next, Lloyd?

LLOYD Then we make a splash on the social scene.

Just then, Lloyd notices something up the road.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Harry, look the golden arches. Pull over, I'm starving. CUT TO:

EXT. MCDONALD'S - DAY

The Mutt Cutt car is at the drive-through window.

MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE ...That's two cheese burgers, two fries, and two medium Cokes. Five seventy- two.

Harry hands a ten-dollar-bill to the Employee, who returns a handful of change.

HARRY Thanks.

42.

Then, before he can give them the bag of food, the guys absentmindedly DRIVE OFF. As they pull out of the parking lot, the McDonald's Employee sticks his head out the window and WAVES THE BAG OF FOOD at them.

MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE Hey!

But the guys are already around the corner.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

The Mutt Cutt van is on the road again, cruising along.

INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - DAY

HARRY About this social scene how do you expect a couple mutts like us to make a splash in the land of pedigrees when we don't even have any money?

LLOYD Look, once we drop the briefcase off to Mary, she'll be so grateful she'll plug us right into the party circuit. After that, we do a little of the ski

SCENE, HOB-NOB WITH THE ELBOW-

rubbers, and walk out of there in the spring with enough business connections to open a first-class worm operation. You see, you don't get rich working, Harry. You get rich knowing the rich. HARRY Where'd you hear that?

LLOYD Some bum down at unemployment.

Harry thinks about this.

HARRY I don't know, Lloyd.

LLOYD What's the matter?

HARRY Money does terrible things to people. I mean, we could lose our friendship.

43.

Lloyd thinks about this.

LLOYD Yeah? So?

Harry nods and looks out the window. Suddenly SOMETHING DAWNS ON LLOYD.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Hey, wait a second. Hold everything.

HARRY What?

LLOYD Aren't you forgetting something?

Harry thinks about this.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Back at Mickey D's? A little matter you might've overlooked...?

Harry wracks his brain, but to no avail.

HARRY What?

Lloyd rolls his eyes.

LLOYD My change.

As a sheepish Harry gives Lloyd his change, they notice something up ahead. HARRY & LLOYD'S POV - ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, JOE MENTAL IS WAVING THEM

DOWN AGAIN. This time the Cadillac is PARKED SIDEWAYS ACROSS THE ROAD,

BLOCKING THEIR PATH.

HARRY I think this guy's in trouble. Why on't you pull over.

Lloyd looks at Harry. Harry remembers that he's driving. He pulls the car to the side of the road. Mental approaches the passenger window.

44.

MENTAL You guys going as far as Des Moines? My car died and I'm late for a business meeting.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY

They're back on the highway and Joe Mental is SITTING BETWEEN THEM, looking extremely ANNOYED. The guys are in the middle of an argument.

HARRY It's a fruit.

LLOYD It's a vegetable.

HARRY I'm telling you, it's a fruit.

LLOYD And I happen to know it's a vegetable.

HARRY Tell you what, why don't we leet an impartial judge decide.

LLOYD Fine with me.

Harry turns to Joe Mental.

HARRY Hey, Mr. Mentalino, settle our bet: Are jelly beans fruits or vegetables?

Mental grits his teeth as he pops a few antacid pills in his mouth. He reaches into his coat pocket and we see a GLINT OF STEEL. Just when he's about to pull the gun out, though, Lloyd hits the breaks and SKIDS to a stop beside a bunch of hitchhiking MIGRANT WORKERS.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER

The trio have picked up SIX MIGRANT WORKERS and everyone is crammed into the car including a CRYING BABY who sits on a pissed-off Mental's lap. Someone's playing a FLAMENCO GUITAR and the gang is SINGING a SPANISH SONG.

DISSOLVE TO:

45.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER STILL

The Migrant Family is gone now. Harry and Lloyd are playing a game while Mental stares straight ahead, furious. His eyes are watering and he looks ill.

LLOYD Okay, Harry, my turn. Let 'er rip.

Harry lifts a cheer and lets out a LOUD FART. Lloyd SNIFFS a few times, then closes his eyes and WAFTS it up toward his nostrils, as if it was the aroma of a fine wine.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Hmmm... full-bodied, delicate bouquet, aged to perfection will rip no fart before it's time. (beat) Come on, Marquis of Dingleberry's rules: you got ten seconds. All right. I'll say: cheese doodles, chili dog extra onions, garden salad with blue...

HARRY And...?

LLOYD Kit-Kat bar.

Harry throws up his arms, defeated. He hands Lloyd a buck.

HARRY You're the best, man. (beat) Okay, my turn. LLOYD Where are your manners, Harry? We have a guest.

Harry punches Mental's shoulder playfully.

HARRY Come on, Mr. Mentalino. Let one fly. It's only a buck.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO CAFE - LATE AFTERNOON

A large neon road sign beside the cafe shows a man's exasperated face with FLAMES SHOOTING FROM HIS NOSE, MOUTH AND EARS. The sign advertises: HOTTEST CHILI

46.

PEPPERS NORTH OF THE BORDER.

INT. DANTE'S INFERNO

Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a table with a hateful Joe Mental. The boys are each holding up a

POINTED RED CHILI PEPPER.

HARRY I'll do one if you will.

LLOYD Okay, you go first.

HARRY No, you go first.

LLOYD No, you go first.

MENTAL Why don't you both stop being a couple of pussies and go at the same time. It ain't that hot.

Lloyd and Harry exchange a look, then simultaneously BITE INTO THE PEPPERS.

LLOYD Hmmm, not bad...

HARRY Yeah, more tingly than hot.

Suddenly the boys' EYES LIGHT UP. THEY LET OUT A SHRIEK. A smile begins to curl on Mental's lips. He pours them a couple glasses of water from a pitcher.

MENTAL Have some water. It'll help.

Lloyd and Harry who are both sweating profusely now start to GULP down their water. This, of course, makes it burn more.

MENTAL (CONT'D) Aw, shucks, that's right. Water just makes it worse...

The boys run to the bar and DUMP PITCHERS OF WATER ON THEIR HEADS, much to the elight of a CHUCKLING Joe Mental.

CUT TO:

47.

EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY

Mental is on the phone outside the front door TALKING to Nicholas Andre.

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

MENTAL It's Mental. I'm just sitting down to a nice meal with our boys.

ANDRE Good work. What did you find out so far?

MENTAL Nothing yet, but I'm gonna shake 'em own for information at lunch. (beat) Then I'm gonna kill 'em for dessert.

ANDRE Well eat fast, time's running out.

And whatever you do, don't let them get any closer. I don't need them here running around Aspen.

Mental pulls a BLACK VIAL OF PILLS out of his jacket.

MENTAL Relax, they ain't gonna be running around anywhere after I dump a little cyanide in their pops.

INT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY Back at the table, the boys are soaked and HUFFING as if they just finished the Boston Marathon. The burgers have been served, but Lloyd and Harry are still too traumatized to touch them.

HARRY That really wasn't very polite of him, was it? Maybe we should loosen the screws of his chair.

LLOYD Harry Dunne, I'm surprised at you. Perhaps it's about time you brushed

UP ON A LITTLE TOME THAT WE GOD-

fearing adults call the Bible. It's crammed with all kinds of pithy rules to live your life by.

48.

HARRY (humbled) You mean like 'turn the other cheek?'

LLOYD No, I mean like 'an eye for an eye.' Hand me those peppers the atomic ones.

Harry passes the jar and the two of them LOAD JOE MENTAL'S BURGER WITH CHILI

PEPPERS, EXPERTLY CAMOUFLAGING THEM WITH LETTUCE.

HARRY (whispering) Here he comes.

Lloyd and Harry bite into their food as Joe Mental sits back down at the table.

MENTAL Feeling any better, boys?

As he pours ketchup on his burger, the guys glance at each other and TITTER. Then he picks it up and brings it to his mouth. Just before biting into it, though, he PAUSES.

MENTAL (CONT'D) So tell me, why you fellas headed to Aspen? Vacation?

LLOYD More like re-location.

Mental starts toward the burger but stops again. MENTAL Doesn't look like you packed much. All I saw was a couple bags... and that briefcase.

HARRY The briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady just left it at the airport. We're bringing it back to her.

This is news to Mental.

MENTAL You mean you don't even know her?

LLOYD Not really. I was just her limo river.

49.

Mental looks at the two of them and realizes that they're serious. Then he BREAKS OUT

LAUGHING.

MENTAL Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time...

Lloyd and Harry share a confused look. Mental shakes his head and BITES INTO HIS BURGER, CHEWING HEARTILY. Almost immediately, his happy demeanor is replaced by a LOOK OF HORROR. His FACE TURNS RED, HE GRABS HIS STOMACH AND FALLS TO THE

GROUND, GASPING.

The boys look at each other guiltily, then bend down to help him.

HARRY Hey, you okay, man? It was just a goof.

MENTAL (STRAINED WHISPER) My ulcer... quick... pills... in my coat...

Harry checks Mental's coat pocket for his antacid pills but unwittingly brings out the BLACK OF CYANIDE PILLS. He shakes some pills out and hands them to Mental, who tosses them in his mouth and starts to MUNCH on them.

For a moment, he appears to improve. His BREATHING SLOWS and he sits up. Then his EYES LIGHT UP.

MENTAL'S POV - QUICK ZOOM IN on the black bottle Harry is holding!

MENTAL (CONT'D) You son-of-a-bitch!

Mental GURGLES and keels over, DEAD.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON

Lloyd and Harry are back on the road, looking solemn.

HARRY I can't believe it...

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