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Главная>Киносценарии>Остин Пауэрс. Человек-загадка международного масштаба/ Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery

Фильм Остин Пауэрс. Человек-загадка международного масштаба/ Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery. Сценарий на английском языке бесплатно.

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Остин Пауэрс. Человек-загадка международного масштаба/ Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery

EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK FOTTAGE) - NIGHT

GRAPHIC: 1967 - SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA

It is set against the obvious skyline of Las Vegas.

INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY

The lair is 1960's high-tech. We see a huge oversized conference table with six scary-looking EVIL ASSOCIATES, including a Latin American REVOLUTIONARY in a field jacket and turtleneck, TWIN NORDIC DOCTORS, and a METER MAID.

ANGLE ON: A RING WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE RINGED HAND IS STROKING A WHITE FLUFFY

CAT.

DR. EVIL (face always unseen) Gentlemen, are we all here? Good. As you know, my plot to high-jack nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage has failed. Again. This organization will not tolerate failure.

He presses a button. The Revolutionary, the twin Nordic doctors, and the meter maid's chairs tip

back and fall into a pit. Their chairs return empty and smoking.

DR. EVIL Mustafa...

ANGLE ON: MUSTAFA, an Arab with a red Fez.

DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina...

ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA in a severe Salvation Army uniform.

DR. EVIL I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of the only man who can stop me now. We must go to London. I've set a trap for Austin Powers!

EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

MUSIC: Soul Bossanova by QUINCY JONES.

We start on a pair of BEATLE BOOTS and peg-top crushed velvet pants walking down the street in rhythm, a la Saturday Night Fever.

We pan up to reveal AUSTIN POWERS, International Man of Mystery. He's a swinger, with

medium-length Mod hair and sideburns and he wears National Health Services glasses.

Austin walks along Carnaby Street taking photographs. It is that perpetual bright sunny day you see in Sixties movies.

Austin, bursting with life, gives a two-handed handshake to a MOD FREAK, who's just gotten off a red double-decker bus.

Austin salutes a strolling BOBBY, then comes across TWO BEAUTIFUL MOD GIRLS who are excited to see him. They all start to twist to the music, including the Bobby.

FREEZE FRAME - TECHNICOLOR BLUE TINT - TITLE CARD

(PRODUCTION NOTE: ALL TITLE CARDS WILL BE DONE IN TECHNICOLOR FREEZE FRAMES A LA SWEET CHARITY.)

In the middle of the street, THREE MODELS wait impatiently to be photographed in a makeshift photo shoot area.

One wears a short-skirted Stewardess outfit. One wears a metallic silver pantsuit with matching cowl. The other wears a see-through Mary Quant dress.

AUSTIN (taking photos) Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout for me baby. Smashing!

We see that AUSTIN HAS VERY BAD ENGLISH TEETH. The model in the stewardess outfit foes on all fours.

AUSTIN Crazy baby. Give me some shoulder. Yes! Yes! Yes! (beat) No. No.

Show me love. Yes! And...done. Here you go, luv. I'm spent.

Austin throws the camera in the air behind him. An ASSISTANT scrambles and catches it before it hits the ground.

AUSTIN Get these off to Fab Magazine right away.

SUPERMODEL 1 Austin, you've really outdone yourself this time.

AUSTIN Thanks, baby.

SUPERMODEL 2 (suggestively) We could have another photo session back at my flat.

AUSTIN (coyly) Oh, behave!

SUPERMODEL 3 Austin, I love you!

AUSTIN So many women, so little time.

A gaggle of MOD GIRLS come towards the shoot site. They recognize Austin and SCREAM hysterically.

MOD GIRL 1 It's Austin Powers!

Austin runs away. The mob chases after him a la Hard Day's Night.

EXT. CARNABY STREET

Two BAD GUYS attack Austin. He JUDO CHOPS them.

AUSTIN Judo chop! Judo chop!

The mob of girls catches up to Austin and he runs away.

EXT. PHONE BOOTH

Austin's in a phone booth with his back turned. The mob runs by. He steps out, disguised only by a beard.

EXT. GUARD STATION - LONDON - DAY

Austin is jiving down the street and comes across a stoned- face red-coated BUCKINGHAM PALAM GUARD standing at attention just outside his guard box.

Austin mugs for the guard, trying to get him to crack up, but to no avail. Finally, he pulls a big sixties FLOWER from behind the guard's head and presents it to him. They both crack up.

EXT. PHOTO BOOTH

The girls run by a Sixties-era photo booth with somebody inside. Austin steps out.

ANGLE ON THE FILM STRIP

Panels 1-3 show Austin with various exotic MODELS. The fourth panel shows Austin with the QUEEN.

EXT. CARNABY STREET

Austin spots a VERY PREGNANT HIPPY GIRL with a placard that says "PROTEST!" in a funky font.

AUSTIN You might want to protest a bit louder next time, luv.

The both laugh.

2L FULL SCREEN INSERT - AUSTIN'S PASSPORT

The passport opens. We see Austin's dour photo. Then he gives an insane grin, showing his bad teeth. The page flips and we see visa stamps from all the exotic places he's been.

EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

Austin flips a coin into a BLIND MAN's cup. The blind man, obviously sighted, moves the cup to catch the coin. Austin wags his finger in a "oh, you" fashion, and then proceeds to knee him the balls.

EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

Austin is being chased around the corner by a GAGGLE OF SCHOOLGIRLS.

After a moment, Austin returns from around the corner with a baton, followed by a MARCHING BAND.

The schoolgirls pick up his trail again and he begins to run.

A 1967 Jaguar XKE convertible, which is decorated with a large Union Jack, pulls beside Austin.

He jumps over the door into the moving convertible, racing off just ahead of the crowd.

EXT./INT. JAGUAR - STREETS OF LONDON - DAY

The driver of the Jag is Austin's associate, MRS. KENSINGTON, a beautiful woman in her thirties.

They drive against obvious REAR PROJECTION of 1960's London.

AUSTIN Hello, Mrs. Kensington.

MRS. KENSINGTON Hello, Austin Just then, a FLASHING RED LIGHT goes off and we hear a distinctive PHONE RING.

MRS. KENSINGTON That'll be Basil Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence.

The glove compartment revolves to reveal a picture phone. ANGLE ON: PICTURE PHONE SCREEN. We see BASIL EXPOSITION a distinguished older man. A desk plate reads: "Basil Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence."

BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, Austin. This is Basil Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence.

You're Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, and you're with Agent

Mrs. Kensington. The year is 1967, and you're talking on a picture phone.

AUSTIN We know all that, Exposition.

BASIL EXPOSITION I just wanted to be extremely clear so that everyone knows what's going on at any given time. We've just received word that Dr. Evil, the ultimate square, is planning to take over the world.

AUSTIN Dr. Evil? I thought I put him in jail for good.

BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid not. Earlier this week, Dr. Evil escaped from Zedel Edel Prison in Baaden Baaden and now he's planning a trap for you tonight at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club in Picadilly Circus here in swinging London.

A panel revolves to reveal a map of London with lights showing Austin's position and the location of the club.

AUSTIN Just where you'd never think to look for him. We'll be there.

BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin.

AUSTIN Thank you.

BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash;

AUSTIN Yes?

BASIL EXPOSITION (pause) Be careful.

AUSTIN Thank you. (to Mrs. Kensington) Let's go, baby!

EXT. STOCK FOTTAGE - PICADILLY CIRCUS - NIGHT

On top of one building is a three-story high BOB'S BIG BOY figure.

EXT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB - NIGHT

The Jaguar pulls up in front of the swinging nightclub. Mrs. Kensington steps out of the car, dressed in a tight leather fightsuit. She looks fabulous.

INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB

It's a swinging club. FREAKS abound. In one corner, there is a PRESS CONFERENCE in progress.

MICK JAGGER Hey Austin Powers, it's me, Mick Jagger.

AUSTIN Hey, Mick!

MICK JAGGER Are you more satisfied now sexually, Austin?

AUSTIN Well, you can't always get what you want.

MICK JAGGER (thinking) "You can't always get what you want!" That's a great title for a song! I'm

gonna write that, and it'll be a big hit.

AUSTIN Good on ya, man.

MICK JAGGER Groovy!

FULL SCREEN INSERT

A vinyl 45 of "You Can't Always Get What You Want."

9 FULL SCREEN INSERT - BILLBOARD CHART

"You Can't Always Get What You Want" at Number One.

INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB

In one corner ANDY WARHOL sits in front of his multi-colored Elvis (or equivalent). He body paints a butterfly on the thigh of a MOD GIRL wearing a metallic miniskirt outfit.

ANDY WARHOL Austin Powers? Hi, I'm Andy Warhol.

AUSTIN Hey, how are you?

ANDY WARHOL Hungry.

AUSTIN Here, have this can of Campbell's Tomato Soup.

Austin hands Andy a can of soup.

ANDY WARHOL I'm going to paint this can of soup and become famous and not give you any credit for it.

AUSTIN If you can become famous, everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame, man.

ANDY WARHOL "Fifteen minutes of fame?" I'm going to use that quote and not give you any credit for that, either.

AUSTIN Smashing!

FULL SCREEN INSERT

Andy Warhol's famous Soup Can painting.

INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB

HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN is giving Austin a Victoria's Cross like the Lyndon Johnson scene in Forrest Gump. Behind them, are two COLDSTREAM GUARDS and the DUKE OF EDINBURGH.

QUEEN Austin Powers, Britain owes you a debt of gratitude.

Austin gives a cheeky look to Mrs. Kensington.

QUEEN I understand you were wounded. Where were you hit?

AUSTIN In the but-tocks.

QUEEN That must be a sight. I'd kind of like to see that.

Austin turns around, drops his pants, and shows his wounded bum (matching Gump's) to the queen.

The queen walks away.

QUEEN (laughing) Nice buttocks.

In the line-up we also see FOREST GUMP. He has to pee very badly.

MRS. KENSINGTON We've got to find Dr. Evil!

AUSTIN Wait, I've got an idea.

He PUNCHES a PRETTY MOD GIRL in the face, knocking her out cold.

EVERYONE Ohhh!

MRS. KENSINGTON Austin, why in God's name did you strike that woman?

AUSTIN That ain't no woman! It's a man, man. It's one of Dr. Evil's assassins.

Austin pulls off the mod girl's wig. She is a MALE ASSASSIN. The assassin comes to and leaps to his feet.

Mrs. Kensington knocks his feet from under him. The assassin hits the ground and pulls out a dagger. Mrs. Kensington kicks the knife out of his hand and Austin gets him in a head-lock from behind.

AUSTIN Where's Doctor Evil?

ANGLE ON: A FINGER WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE FINGER PULLS THE TRIGGER OF A SPEAR

gun. The assassin falls forward. A spear protrudes from his back. Austin sees Dr. Evil as he runs through a door. They give chase.

INT. CLUB - BACK ROOM

They enter. Dr. Evil climbs into an egg chair.

AUSTIN I've got you again, Dr. Evil!

The chair fills with a WHITE MIST.

DR. EVIL (unseen, through mist) Not this time. Come, Mr. Bigglesworth! (calling out) See you in the future, Mr. Powers!

Before the doors close, the white CAT jumps in the egg chair. A sign on the egg reads "CRYOGENIC

FREEZING BEGINNING."

MRS. KENSINGTON My God! He's freezing himself.

Austin begins FIRING at the egg chair. The ceiling opens up and the egg rises through the opening. Everything begins to RUMBLE. Rocket exhaust pours out of the ceiling.

EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

The Bob's Big Boy rocket begins to LIFT OFF.

EXT. CLUB - SIDEWALK - NIGHT

PEOPLE outside the club react to the rocket.

EXT. EARTH FROM SPACE

The Bob's Big Boy rocket leaves the atmosphere. Mr. Bigglesworth is pressed to the window like one of those stuffed Garfields.

DR. EVIL (V.O.) (shivering) I'll be back, Mr. Powers, when free love is dead, and greed and avarice once again rule the world.

EXT. NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO

GRAPHIC: 1997 - NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS THIS SCENE IS SHOT IN THE MULTIPLE SPLIT SCREEN STYLE, LIKE THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR:

16 FULL SCREEN - INT. NORAD TRACKING ROOM

A BLIP appears on the radar screen.

RADAR OPERATOR (on phone) Commander Gilmour?

17 SPLIT SCREEN 2 - INT. COMMANDER GILMOUR'S OFFICE

COMMANDER GILMOUR, a distinguished man in his fifties.

RADAR OPERATOR (on phone) Commander, this is Slater in SoWest Com Three. We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an unorthodox entry angle.

COMMANDER GILMOUR (on phone) Is it one of ours?

RADAR OPERATOR No. Log Com Bird Twelve says its metalurg recon analysis is a standard alloy, not stealthy, not carbon- composite. (pause) It does have an odd shape, sir.

COMMANDER GILMOUR What are you saying, son?

RADAR OPERATOR It appears to be in the shape of Bob's Big Boy, sir.

18 SCREEN 3 - THE BOB'S BIG BOY ROCKET

The rocket is dirty and battered from thirty years in space.

COMMANDER GILMOUR Oh my God, he's back.

DRAMATIC STING

RADAR OPERATOR In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices.

COMMANDER GILMOUR Shut up.

RADAR OPERATOR Should we scramble TacHQ for an intercept?

COMMANDER GILMOUR What's its current position?

19 SCREEN 4 - A RADAR MAP OF NEVADA

On the radar screen it says "NEVADA."

RADAR SCREEN It was over Nevada, but...oh my God! It's gone!

COMMANDER GILMOUR Listen son, I want you to forget what you saw here tonight.

RADAR OPERATOR Commander, I have to log it&emdash;

COMMANDER GILMOUR That's a direct order. You didn't see a thing!

He hangs up and picks up another phone.

COMMANDER GILMOUR (into phone) Philips.

20 SCREEN 5 - SERGEANT PHILIPS AT HIS DESK

SERGEANT PHILIPS picks up the phone.

COMMANDER GILMOUR Call the President

SCREEN 6 - THE WHITE HOUSE

COMMANDER GILMOUR Prepare the jet...

22 SCREEN 7 - AN AIR FORCE JET ON A RUNWAY

COMMANDER GILMOUR Get my overnight bag.

23 SCREEN 8 - AN OVERNIGHT BAG

COMMANDER GILMOUR Philips, do me a favor and feed my fish.

SCREEN 9 - FISH IN A TANK

A hand enters and sprinkles fish food.

COMMANDER GILMOUR Not too much!

The hand re-enters and scoops up some of the fish food.

COMMANDER GILMOUR I'm going to London, England.

EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - LONDON, ENGLAND

GRAPHIC: LONDON, ENGLAND - MINISTRY OF DEFENSE

MUSIC: "RULE BRITANNIA"

INT. M.O.D. - HALLWAY (OUTSIDE CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY)

Basil Exposition (now aged 30 years), Command Gilmour, and NICOLAI BORSCHEVSKY, a Russian General, put on extreme-weather gear over their uniforms.

BASIL EXPOSITION As you know, gentlemen, Dr. Evil had himself frozen in 1967. Soon after, Austin Powers volunteered to have himself frozen, in the event Dr. Evil should ever return. We believe Dr. Evil has begun yet another plot to take over the world. And that, gentlemen, is why we're here.

COMMAND GILMOUR Outstanding re-cap, Exposition.

Command Gilmour opens a vault door. COLD MIST escapes.

INT. M.O.D. - CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY

They pass a row of cryogenic holding berths, each containing a naked PERSON in suspended animation, a la Demolition Man. They pass GARY COLEMAN, EVEL KNIEVAL (with cape), and VANILLA ICE, all in suspended animation. They pass a now-empty berth with a plate that reads "JOHN

TRAVOLTA."

BORSCHEVSKY Who is this Austin Powers? Is he a British operative?

BASIL EXPOSITION No, he worked freelance, an internationally renowned swinging photographer by day and the ultimate gentlemen spy by night.

Finally, they come across Austin Powers: He is naked. His hands cover up his private parts. The look on his face suggests 'Oh my God, my bits and pieces are cold'. His glasses are frosted over. He is very hairy.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Attention, Stage One, laser cutting beginning.

Lasers begin to cut Austin out of the ice in one huge cube.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Laser cutting complete. Stage Two, warm liquid goo phase beginning.

A ROBOTIC ARM lifts the cube out of the berth and places it into a high-tech melting vat of warm liquid GOO.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Warm liquid goo phases complete. Stage Three, reanimation beginning.

Austin comes to life out of the goo on a draining platform.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Reanimation complete. Stage Four, cleansing beginning.

INT. EXAMINATION AREA

Technicians lead a half-asleep Austin to a screened area, where only his feet and head are visible. He's washed off with a series of hot-water jets.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Cleansing complete. Stage Five, evacuation beginning.

He's given futuristic inoculations and then led to a screened- in toilet area. We can hear the sound of PEE ENTERING THE BOWL.

He PEES for a while, then a little longer.

And then EVEN LONGER STILL.

The stream seems to be subsiding...then begins STRONGER than ever.

He is still PEEING.

Finally, it STOPS.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (PA) Evacuation com...

He begins PEEING again.

A little LONGER.

Then in short staccato BURSTS.

The it STOPS. Pause.

Two DRIPS.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER Evacuation... (waiting) Complete! The cryogenic state of Austin Powers is now completed.

Austin lies in a bed tilted up in an extreme angle a la Dr. Frankenstein's lab. NURSE TECHNICIANS administer injections and monitor electrodes, IV's, and other biological sensors.

AUSTIN (weakly) Where am I?

BASIL EXPOSITION You're in the Ministry of Defense. It's 1997. You've been cryogenically frozen for thirty years.

AUSTIN (shouting) WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

BASIL EXPOSITION The shouting is a temporary side- effect of the unfreezing process.

AUSTIN Yes, I'm having trouble controlling&emdash; (shouting) THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

BASIL EXPOSITION You might also experience a slight fever, dry mouth, and flatulence at moments of extreme relaxation. Austin, this is Commander Gilmour, Strategic Command, and General Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence.

AUSTIN Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?

BASIL EXPOSITION A lot's happened since you were frozen, Austin. The cold war's over.

AUSTIN Thank God. Those capitalist dogs will finally pay for their crimes against the people,

hey Comrades?

BASIL EXPOSITION We won, Austin.

AUSTIN Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya! (to Gilmour) Nice tie. Yea capitalism!

COMMANDER GILMOUR Mr. Powers, the President's very concerned. We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada.

BASIL EXPOSITION It's Dr. Evil.

AUSTIN When do I begin?

BASIL EXPOSITION Immediately. You'll be working with Ms. Kensington.

AUSTIN You mean Mrs. Kensington?

BASIL EXPOSITION No, Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long- since retired. Ms. Kensington is her daughter.

VANESSA KENSINGTON, Mrs. Kensington's daughter, beautiful, mid-Twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she wears glasses. Austin's breath is taken away.

She sets down a huge stack of files.

BASIL EXPOSITION Vanessa's one of our top agents.

AUSTIN (out loud, to himself) My God, Vanessa's got a smashing body. I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue? (pause) I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.

There is an uncomfortable SILENCE.

VANESSA Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimate you to the Nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.

AUSTIN Well, as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding

drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound.

VANESSA My mother's told me all about you.

AUSTIN If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's the truth, goddamn me. (pause) God, I hope that's witty. How's your mum?

VANESSA My mother's doing quite well, thank you very much.

BASIL EXPOSITION Yes, well...Agent Kensington will get you set up. She's very dedicated. Perhaps, a little too dedicated. (aside to Austin) She's got a bit of a bug up her ass. Good luck, Austin, the world's depending on you.

AUSTIN Thank you, Exposition.

BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash;

AUSTIN Yes?

BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful.

AUSTIN Thanks.

Basil exits.

INT. M.O.D. - QUARTERMASTER'S WINDOW

Austin and Vanessa wait at the window.

VANESSA Let's gather your personal effects, shall we?

A CLERK brings out a locker-basket and reads off a list.

CLERK (reading) Danger Powers, personal effects.

AUSTIN Actually, my name's Austin Powers.

CLERK It says here, name Danger Powers.

AUSTIN Danger's my middle name.

CLERK OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue crushed-velvet suit. One frilly lace cravat. One gold medallion with peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed socks, purple. One vinyl recording album: Tom Jones, Live at Las Vegas. One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.

AUSTIN (embarrassed) That's not mine.

CLERK (reading) One credit card receipt for Swedish- made penis enlarger pump, signed Austin Powers.

AUSTIN I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.

CLERK (reading) One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.

AUSTIN I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.

CLERK (reading) One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers.

The clerk shows the book to Austin, who is humiliated.

AUSTIN OK, OK man, don't get heavy, I'll sign. Just to get things moving, baby.

VANESSA Listen, Mr. Powers, I look forward to working with you, but do me a favor and stop calling me baby. You can address me as Agent Kensington. We have to leave immediately. We've preserved your private jet just as you left it. It's waiting at Heathrow Airport.

AUSTIN (excited) My jumbo jet? Smashing baby.

EXT. PLANE TAKING OFF - DAY

We see a plane taking off in silhouette.

EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - DAY

A multi-colored psychedelic jumbo jet with Austin's logo on the tailpiece.

INT. PRIVATE PSYCHEDELIC JET

The inside looks like Hugh Heffner's jet&emdash; rust shag carpet, brown walls, and beads. Austin and Vanessa sit on beanbag chairs. Vanessa works on her lap top.

AUSTIN Pretty groovy Jumbo Jet, eh? How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defense?

VANESSA I went to Oxford and excelled in several subjects, but I ended up specializing in foreign languages. I wanted to travel -- see the world. In my last year I was accepted into the M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies sector. I thought I was off on an exciting career, but my job was to read everything printed in every country. It's very boring. My whole day is spent reading wedding announcements in Farsi. If I do well with this case, I finally get promoted to field operative...

AUSTIN That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go into the back and shag?

VANESSA I beg your pardon?

AUSTIN I've been frozen for thirty years, man, I want to see if my bits and pieces are still working.

VANESSA Excuse me?

AUSTIN My wedding tackle.

VANESSA I'm sorry?

AUSTIN My meat and two veg.

VANESSA Mr. Powers, please. I know that you must be a little confused, but we have a very serious situation at hand. I would appreciate it if you'd concentrate on our mission and give your libido a rest.

AUSTIN Have you ever made love to a Chigro?

VANESSA A Chigro?

AUSTIN You know, a Chigro&emdash; part Chinese, part Negro&emdash; Chigro.

VANESSA (offended) We don't use the term 'Negro' anymore. It's considered offensive.

AUSTIN That's right. You're supposed to say 'colored' now, right? (spotting the flight attendants) Here's the stewardesses! Bring on the sexy stews!

The STEWARDESSES enter. They're not dressed very sexily. One of them is a man and another wears braces.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT Excuse me, did you say 'stewardess'? We're called 'flight attendants' now, thank you very much.

AUSTIN Oh, I get it, it's like 'I'm not a whore, I'm a sex worker', baby.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT My name is Mrs. Wilkenson. There are a few things we need to discuss. First of all, we're not wearing these.

She holds up some skimpy, lingerie-type flight outfits.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

ALSO, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ITINERARY. IT SAYS HERE, '4:30 - DINNER, 5:30 -

Everyone Gets Naked and Covered with Baby Oil, 6:00 - Orgy'?

AUSTIN Seems pretty straightforward, don't you think...listen darling, I think you're a fabulous bird. Can I get your telephone number?

FLGHT ATTENDANT (mock sexy) Sure, it's easy to remember. (writing on his hand) It's 777-FILM. We have to prepare the craft for take-off now.

AUSTIN Smashing! When we land I'll give you a tinkle on the telling bone.

The flight attendant gives him a chilly stare and then exits.

AUSTIN Brrrr! She must be frigid. There's two things I know about life: one, Americans will never take to soccer. Two, Swedish girls and stewardesses love to shag!

They're shag-mad, man! Let me ask you a question, Vanessa, and be honest.

VANESSA Sure.

AUSTIN Do I make you horny?

VANESSA What?

AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Randy, you know. To you, am I eros manifest?

VANESSA I hope this is part of the unfreezing process.

AUSTIN Listen, Vanessa, I'm a swinger&emdash; that's what I do, I swing.

VANESSA I understand that, Mr. Powers, but let me be perfectly clear with you, perhaps to the point of being insulting. I will never have sex with you, ever. If you were the last man on Earth and I was the last woman on Earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.

Austin is oblivious.

AUSTIN What's you point, Vanessa?

EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - NIGHT

Austin's plane. Time has passed.

IINT. PRIVATE JET - NIGHT

Vanessa's lap-top BEEPS.

COMPUTER VOICE You've got mail!

ANGLE ON: the computer screen. It's Basil Exposition.

BASIL EXPOSITION Hello Austin. Hello Vanessa. This is Basil Exposition, from British Intelligence.

There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon that we think may be linked to Dr. Evil. Many of the Virtucon executives gamble at the hotel/casino where you'll be staying. That's the first place you should look. Well, I'm off to the chat rooms.

AUSTIN Thank you, Exposition.

BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash;

AUSTIN Yes?

BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful.

Vanessa closes her lap-top.

PILOT (over loudspeaker) Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our final descent into Las Vegas International Airport. Flight attendants will be coming by to collect your drinks, and I'll ask you at this time to please return to the main cabin and put your

bean-bags in the upright position.

Austin and Vanessa fasten the seatbelts on their bean bags.

EXT. AIRPLANE LANDING - NIGHT

We see a plane's lights landing at night.

ZOOM CUT TO:

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: The Trip Using a sequence of snap-zooms, colored projections, and flashing lights, we see Austin dance crazily a la BOB FOSSE with a GO-GO GIRL in a bikini with the Austin Powers logo body-painted on her midriff.

The sequence lasts five seconds and is very groovy.

EXT. LAS VEGAS MONTAGE - NIGHT

Sights and sounds of Las Vegas icons at night: "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. Luxor. The giant cowboy whose arm waves. Caesar's Palace. The montage ends on the modern skyline of Las Vegas.

GRAPHIC: 1997, SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA

INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

DR. EVIL (face again unseen) Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a long time, but I'm back. It's all gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw. Because of a technical error, my right arm was not frozen. I was therefore by definition only partially frozen.

ANGLE ON EVIL ASSOCIATE MUSTAFA. He is terrified and sweaty, eyes darting left and right.

MUSTAFA But my design was perfect! Your autonomic functions were shut down, and even though your arm wasn't frozen, the aging was retarded, therefore your right arm is only slightly older than the left.

DR. EVIL Can't you see I'm only half a man? Look at me, I'm a freak!

He holds up his older right arm, which looks normal.

MUSTAFA But Dr. Evil, all you need to do is&emdash; (holding up tennis ball) --work with this tennis ball. Squeeze it for twenty minutes a day. A few months of that and it'll be just as strong as the other arm...

DR. EVIL And look what you've done to Mr. Bigglesworth!

ANGLE ON MR. BIGGLESWORTH

who is now totally hairless, with a fringe of white hair around it's ears, like Dr. Evil himself.

MUSTAFA We could not anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process&emdash;

DR. EVIL (face unseen) Silence!

ANGLE ON A HAND WITH DR. EVIL'S RING ON IT

Dr. Evil presses a button. Mustafa's chair tips back and he falls backwards into a pit.

MUSTAFA (blood-curdling scream) Ahhhhhhhhh!

DR. EVIL (face unseen) Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure.

MUSTAFA'S SCREAMS ECHO FAINTLY

ANGLE ON: DR. EVIL FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE IS IN HIS EARLY FIFTIES AND IS BALD, WITH A HIDEOUS

scar on his cheek.

DR. EVIL Gentlemen, let's get down to business.

More muffled SCREAMS.

DR. EVIL We've got a lot of work to do.

MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) Someone help me! I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.

DR. EVIL (slightly distracted) Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.

MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) Hello up there! Anyone! Can someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain.

DR. EVIL (very frustrated) You've all been gathered here to form my Evil Cabinet. Excuse me.

He picks up a white phone and MURMURS into it.

MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) If somebody can open the retrieval hatch down here, I could get out. See, I designed this device myself and...oh, hi! Good, I'm glad you found me. Listen, I'm very badly burned, so if you could just&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot

MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) Ow! You shot me!

DR. EVIL Right. Okay. Moving on.

MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) You shot me right in the arm! Why did&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot. Dr. Evil waits. Nothing.

DR. EVIL Let me go around the table and introduce everyone. Frau Farbissina...

ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA

DR. EVIL ...founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army. Random Task...

RANDOM TASK is a large Korean man in a butler's uniform.

DR. EVIL ...a Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman extraordinaire. Show them what you do.

He stands up, bows, then takes off his shoe and THROWS it. It knocks the head off a sculpture across the room.

DR. EVIL Thank you, Random Task. Patty O'Brien...

PATTY O'BRIEN, a small, wiry Irishman with fiery eyes.

DR. EVIL ...ex-Irish assassin. His trademark?

Around PATTY O'BRIENS WRIST is a charm bracelet.

DR. EVIL A superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake on every victim he kills. Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.

PATTY O'BRIEN (heavy Irish accent) Yes, they're always after me lucky charms!

Everyone in the room tries to keep a straight face.

PATTY O'BRIEN What? What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They are after me lucky charms.

They cannot contain their LAUGHTER.

PATTY O'BRIEN (angry) What?

FRAU FARBISSINA (through suppressed laughter) It's a television commercial with this little cartoon Leprechaun who is a benevolent imp who is very concerned that these children will steal his lucky charms which are foodstuffs fashioned into various shapes&emdash; hearts, moons, clovers, what have you... (pause) It's a long story.

DR. EVIL Finally, I come to my number two man. His name: Number Two.

NUMBER TWO, a good-looking 40-year-old man with an eye-patch.

DR. EVIL For thirty years, Number Two has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my evil empire.

He hits a button. The conference table slowly rotates to reveal a large, illuminated map of the United States dotted by various miniature models.

NUMBER TWO Over the last thirty years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. About fifteen years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals to the communication industry. We own cable companies in thirty-eight states.

The thirty-eight states illuminate on the map.

NUMBER TWO In addition to our cable holdings, we own a steel mill in Cleveland.

A steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland.

NUMBER TWO Shipping in Texas.

A ship off the coast of Texas illuminates.

NUMBER TWO Oil refineries in Seattle.

An oil refinery illuminates in Seattle.

NUMBER TWO And a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.

The miniature model factory lights up in Chicago.

NUMBER TWO We also own the Franklin mint, which makes decorative hand-painted theme plates for collectors. (holds up plate) Some plates, like the Gone With The Wind series, have gone up in value as much as two-hundred and forty percent, but, as with any investment, there is some risk involved.

DR. EVIL Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it look like Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, has had an affair outside of marriage and, therefore, they would have to divorce.

There is an uncomfortable silence.

NUMBER TWO Um, Dr. Evil, Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced, actually.

DR. EVIL People have to tell me these things. I've been frozen for thirty years, throw me a bone here. (pausing) OK, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the Sixties I had a weather changing machine that was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using this laser, we punch a hole in the protective layer around

the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.

There is another uncomfortable silence.

NUMBER TWO Umm, that also has already happened.

DR. EVIL Right. (pause) Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. (pause) Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead, and we hold the world ransom... (dramatic pause) ...FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

There is an uncomfortable pause.

NUMBER TWO Don't you think we should ask for more than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't that much money these days.

DR. EVIL All right then... (dramatic pause) ...FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!

There is another uncomfortable pause.

NUMBER TWO Virtucon alone makes over nine billion dollars a year.

DR. EVIL (pleasantly surprised) Oh, really? (slightly irritated) One-hundred billion dollars. (pause) OK, make it happen. Anything else?

FRAU FARBISSINA Remember when we froze your semen, you said that if it looked like you weren't coming back to try and make you a son so that a part of you would live forever?

DR. EVIL Yes.

FRAU FARBISSINA Well, after a few years, we got sort of impatient. Dr. Evil, I want you to meet your son.

DR. EVIL My son?

FRAU FARBISSINA Yes. (calling out) Scott!

SCOTT EVIL walks out. He is fifteen, grungy, and wears a Kurt Cobain T-shirt.

SCOTT EVIL Hi.

DR. EVIL Hello, Scott. I'm your father, Dr. Evil. (emotional) I have a son! I have a son! Everyone, I have a son! (gesturing to globe) Someday, Scott, this will all be yours.

SCOTT EVIL I haven't seen you my whole life and now you show up and want a relationship? I hate you!

EXT. JAGUAR - DRIVING - VEGAS - DAY

Vanessa and Austin drive in his perfectly-preserved Jag.

AUSTIN You've preserved my Jag! Smashing!

VANESSA Yes, we've had it retrofitted with a secure cellular phone, an on-board computer, and a Global Geosynchronous Positioning Device. Oh, and finally, this.

The glove compartment revolves to reveal a display of various dental hygiene products&emdash; floss, toothpaste, toothbrush, dental mirror, and cleaning tool.

AUSTIN Let me guess. The floss is garotte wire, the toothpaste contains plastic explosives, and the toothbrush is the detonation device.

VANESSA No, actually. I don't know how to put this really. Well, there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry.

AUSTIN Why? What's wrong with my teeth?

EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - NIGHT

The Union Jack-emblazoned Jaguar pulls up to the front door.

INT. VEGAS HOTEL ROOM

Vanessa carries her compact flight attendant bag and Austin takes his two bright red oversized leatherette Samsonite suitcases.

AUSITN Which side of the bed do you want?

VANESSA You're going to sleep on the sofa. I'd like to remind you, Mr. Powers, that the only reason we're sharing a room is to support our cover story that we're a married couple on vacation.

AUSTIN So, shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? Top and tails? A whore's bath? Personally, before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father.

AUSTIN (off her angry reaction) I'm just joking, Vanessa. Trying to get a rise out of you.

They both laugh.

VANESSA Let's unpack.

HER LUGGAGE: In the inside flap is a types list of contents. All of her items are in separate, labeled plastic bags.

AUSTIN Gor blimey, nerd alert.

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a Nehru jacket and a huge Remington shaver with huge English plug.

HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a compact clothes steamer/travel iron and a Braun blow drier.

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a vintage 1967 Playboy and a bottle of Jurgens lotion.

HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out Wet-Naps, her underthings in a plastic baggie marked "Underthings" and her shoes in a baggie marked "Shoes."

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a miniature meditation gong and Hai Karate cologne.

HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a dossier labeled "Dr. Evil - Top Secret."

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out the Swedish penis enlarger pump. Vanessa sees it.

AUSTIN Hey, who put this in here? Someone's playing a prank on me! Honestly, this isn't mine.

VANESSA (suffering) I'm sure.

AUSTIN I think I'll give that stew a ding-a- ling.

Austin casually dials the phone while looking at his palm. After a beat we hear a loud MALE VOICE coming through the handset.

MOVIE PHONE VOICE (through handset) Hello! And welcome to 777-FILM!

Austin covers the mouthpiece and whispers to Vanessa.

AUSTIN I got her answering machine.

INT. CASINO

Austin and Vanessa walk through the casino. Austin gives PEOPLE two-handed handshakes. They stare like he's a freak.

AUSTIN I love Las Vegas, man. Oh, I forgot my x-ray glasses.

VANESSA Here, use mine.

AUSTIN I'm going to use a cover name. It's important that it be a generic name so that we don't draw attention to ourselves.

INT. CASINO

Austin and Vanessa join the high-rollers table. Number Two is there, complete with eyepatch. On one side of him is a beautiful ITALIAN WOMAN (a la SOPHIA LOREN) in a white dress with a white kerchief on her head. On the other side of him is an extremely large-breasted BIMBO.

AUSTIN Do you mind if I join you?

NUMBER TWO Not at all.

The DEALER deals.

DEALER Seventeen.

Zoom in on Number Two's eyepatch.

NUMBER TWO'S MONOCULAR POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". We see everyone at the casino in their underwear. He looks at the next card in the shoe. It is a 4.

NUMBER TWO Hit me.

DEALER You have seventeen, sir. The book says not to, sir.

NUMBER TWO I like to live dangerously.

The dealer draws a card from the card shoe.

DEALER Four. Twenty-one.

Everyone at the table applauds. The dealer deals to Austin and Number Two.

DEALER (to Austin) Eighteen. (to Number Two) Sixteen.

NUMBER TWO'S POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". He looks at the shoe at the shoe and sees that the next card is a ten.

NUMBER TWO I'll stay.

DEALER (to Austin) Sir?

Smugly, Austin puts on Vanessa's x-ray glasses.

AUSTIN'S POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY SPECS". Everyone is in their underwear, but it is completely blurry.

DEALER (to Austin) Sir?

VANESSA (quietly) What's wrong?

AUSTIN (quietly, to Vanessa) I can't see a bloody thing.

VANESSA Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're prescription X-ray glasses. I have very bad astigmatism.

DEALER Sir, the table is waiting.

AUSTIN (panicking) Uh, hit me.

The table MURMURS.

DEALER On an eighteen, sir?

AUSTIN Yes, I also like to live dangerously.

The dealer deals him the ten.

NUMBER TWO You're very brave.

AUSTIN Cards are not my bag, man. Allow myself to introduce...myself. My name is Ritchie Cunningham.

Vanessa is mortified.

AUSTIN (indicating Vanessa) This is my wife, Enid.

NUMBER TWO My name is Number Two.

He extends his hand to shake. Austin extends his hand, but misses and begins to shake the bimbo's breast. There is an awkward pause. Austin takes off his glasses.

VANESSA (rescuing him) Number Two? That's an unusual name.

NUMBER TWO My parents were hippies. (indicating Italian woman) This is my Italian confidential secretary.

ITALIAN WOMAN (Italian accent) My name is Alotta (quickly) Alotta Fagina.

AUSTIN I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it. It sounds like you're saying your name is a lot of...never mind. Listen, cats, I'm going to crash. It's been a gas.

NUMBER TWO Bye-bye, Mr...Cunningham?

AUSTIN Peace, baby.

Austin and Vanessa leave.

INT. CASINO

VANESSA Why did you leave so soon?

AUSTIN That cat Number Two has an X-ray eyepatch. I get bad vibes from him, man. Listen, we should go back to the room, but first I have to go to the naughty chair and see a man about a dog.

He heads to the rest room.

INT. HIGH ROLLERS TABLE - CASINO

Number Two has been watching them. He presses a BUTTON.

INT. BATHROOM - CASINO

Austin enters to see a gregarious TEXAN in a huge cowboy hat. Austin enters a stall. The Texan enters the adjoining stall.

TEXAN Good luck, buddy. You don't buy food, you rent it.

AUSTIN Too right, youth.

INT. BATHROOM STALL

Austin sits down. Behind him, a panel SLIDES OPEN, revealing Patty O'Brien. His charm bracelet JINGLES. Austin looks back. Patty's bracelet is now garotte wire. He wraps it around Austin's throat. Austin gets his thumbs between the wire and certain death.

AUSTIN (grunting) Uh, uh!

INT. TEXAN'S STALL

The Texan can only see Austin's feet, which are moving about frantically. He can hear the

GRUNTING.

TEXAN Hey pardner, just relax, don't force it! Use some creative visualization.

INT. AUSTIN'S STALL

Austin GRUNTS and snaps his head back into Patty O'Brien's crotch. Patty O'Brien GROANS in agony.

PATTY O'BRIEN (groaning) Ughhhhh...

Austin breaks free of the charm bracelet/garotte, grabs Patty O'Brien's head, and pulls it between his legs so that it hovers above the toilet bowl.

AUSTIN Who does Number Two work for?

INT. TEXAN'S STALL

TEXAN That's right! Show that turd who's boss!

INT. AUSITN'S STALL

AUSTIN Who does Number Two work for?

PATTY O'BRIEN (quietly, straining) Go to hell.

Austin drops Patty's head into the toilet and FLUSHES. We hear MUFFLED GURGLING SOUNDS from Patty O'Brien.

INT. TEXAN'S STALL

The Texan hears all of this, and is now concerned.

INT. AUSTIN'S STALL

Austin reaches into Patty O'Brien's wallet. We see his Dr. Evil ID card and Alotta's Virtucon business card with her address.

INT. BATHROOM

Austin is leaving his stall. The Texan can see Patty O'Brien's dead body head-first in the toilet.

TEXAN Jesus Christ, what did you eat?

ANGLE ON THE FLOOR OF AUSTIN'S STALL

Patty O'Brien's lifeless hand hits the floor. The charms come tumbling out: a heart, a moon, a star, and a clover. A second later, a blue diamond falls out.

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Love Power Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily.

EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - MORNING

INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY

Vanessa is on the phone on the bed sifting through photos and files on Dr. Evil, Virtucon, etc.

In the background, through an open door, we see that Austin is asleep on the couch.

VANESSA (into phone) Hello Mum?

INT. MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE - LONDON

An older Mrs. Kensington sits in her suburban English front room.

MRS. KENSINGTON (on phone) Oh, hello Vanessa. How was the flight?

VANESSA (V.O.) Great.

MRS. KENSINGTON How's Austin?

VANESSA (V.O.) He's asleep.

MRS. KENSINGTON You didn't...

INT. HOTEL SUITE

VANESSA Oh, God no, I made him sleep on the couch.

In the background, we see Austin get off the couch. He is very naked and very hairy. A strategically placed vase of flowers blocks his naughty bits from view.

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) I'm proud of you.

VANESSA Why?

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) Because you managed to resist Austin Power's charms.

Austin moves towards the bathroom away from the flowers. Right in the nick of time, Vanessa holds up a photo of Number Two and looks at it, blocking his naughty parts.

VANESSA Well, God knows he tried, but I've been rather firm with him, Mummy. You didn't tell me he was so obsessed with sex. It's bizarre.

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) You can't judge him by modern standards. He's very much a product of his times. In my day he could have any woman he wanted.

VANESSA What about his teeth?

SPLIT SCREEN - HOTEL ROOM/MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE

MRS. KENSINGTON You have to understand, in Britain in the Sixties you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter.

VANESSA I just don't see it.

MRS. KENSINGTON Just wait. Once Austin gets you in his charms, it's impossible to get out.

VANESSA Did you ever...

MRS. KENSINGTON Of course not. I was married to your father.

VANESSA Did you ever want to?

MRS. KENSINGTON Austin is very charming, very debonair. He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines, sophisticated, a world-renowned photographer. Women want hin, men want to be him. He's a lover of love&emdash; every bit an International Man of Mystery.

We hear the TOILET FLUSH. Mrs. Kensington WIPES off the screen.

Austin re-enters from left to right, still NAKED. Vanessa holds up Austin's Fab Magazine shoot from the Sixties, and in perfect timing blocks his crotch from the camera.

VANESSA You didn't answer my question, Mum.

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) I know. Let me just say this: Austin was the most loyal and caring friend I ever had.

I will always love him.

AUSTIN (V.O.) Good morning, luv, who are you on the phone with?

VANESSA (to her mother) Do you want to talk to him?

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) No, it's been too long. Best to leave things alone.

VANESSA (to Austin) I'm on with a friend! (to her mother) Look, I'd better go. I love you.

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) I love you, Vanessa.

Vanessa hangs up. Austin enters wearing an "Austin Powers" robe.

AUSTIN Good morning, Vanessa! I hope you have on clean underwear.

VANESSA Why?

AUSTIN We've got a doctor's appointment&emdash; an evil doctor's appointment.

EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY

THROUGH BINOCULAR POV CUT-OUTS

We see a black limousine pull up in front. Random Task and another BODYGUARD exit the limo and secure the area.

EXT. LAS VEGAS - BUSHES

We see that the binoculars belong to Vanessa. She and Austin are on a stakeout. Austin's Jag is in the background.

VANESSA A limousine has just pulled up.

AUSTIN Let me see.

Austin pulls into frame an extremely long telephoto lens attached to his vintage camera.

EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE

TELEPHOTO LENS POV

Two more BODYGUARDS leave the building and approach the limo. Number Two exits the building

holding Mr. Bigglesworth, the hairless cat. He's not happy about this, and has a scratch on his cheek.

FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive.

EXT. BUSHES

AUSTIN Hello, hello. That's Dr. Evil's cat.

VANESSA How do you know?

AUSTIN I never forget a pussy...cat.

EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE

TELEPHOTO LENS POV

Number Two hands the hairless cat through limo's window.

FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive.

The limousine speeds off.

EXT. BUSHES

VANESSA Let's go get him!

AUSTIN He's too well-protected right now.

VANESSA We can't just sit here, Austin.

AUSTIN Let me tell you a story. There's these two bulls on top of a hill checking out some foxy cows in the meadow below. The young bull says, 'hey, why don't we run down the hill and shag us a cow?', and the wise old bull replies, 'no, why don't we walk down the hill and shag all the cows?'

VANESSA I don't get it.

AUSTIN Well, you know...cows, and shagging.

VANESSA Unfortunately, while you told that stupid story, Dr. Evil has escaped.

AUSTIN No worries, luv. We'll just give Basil a tinkle on the telling bone...

He notices the way the desert light catches her beauty.

AUSTIN My God, Vanessa, you are so incredibly beautiful. Stay right where you are.

Austin changes lenses and begins SNAPPING PICTURES.

VANESSA I hate having my picture taken.

AUSTIN You're crazy. The camera loves you, Vanessa.

Vanessa does a few coy poses.

AUSTIN Go, Vanessa, go!

Vanessa lets go a little bit more.

WHITE CYC

Austin and Vanessa are in the midst of a full professional photo shoot, and she's loving it.

Austin begins SNAPPING pictures, all the while changing her look, touching her hair.

AUSTIN Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout for me Vanessa. Smashing! Crazy. Give me some shoulder. (pause) Yes! Yes! Yes!

He motions to her two top buttons of her blouse. She nods no. Austin nods yes. She sheepishly undoes them. A MONTAGE of her in various gowns, one more exotic and exciting than the other.

AUSTIN Show me love. Yes! (beat) Smashing!

Vanessa is flanked by two buff MALE MODELS a la Madonna.

AUSTIN Great! Great! Smashing! (beat) Yes! Yes! Yes! (beat) No! No!

Love it. Give me love. Give me mouth. Give me lips.

(BEAT) Going in very close now.

He goes in closer.

AUSTIN Give me eyes. (closer) Give me cornea. (closer) Give me aqueous humour. (closer) Coming in closer. Give me retina, Vanessa. (closer) Even closer. Give me optic nerve. (beat) Love it! (beat) And...done.

He throws the camera down.

AUSTIN I'm spent. What say you we go out on the town?

EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - BUS - NIGHT

Austin and Vanessa are on the top deck of an open air double- decker English bus having a full-course formal dinner. They're drinking champagne.

Austin is cutting sausages into ever-smaller pieces, holding his cutlery very English. He has cut one piece to the point to which it's a speck. H puts it on the fork and offers it to her.

AUSTIN Fancy a nibble?

VANESSA I couldn't have another bite.

They laugh. They drink. It's TOM JONES, serenading them.

They begin to dance.

Austin gives her roses. Austin is wooing her.

EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - NIGHT

They walk along the brightly-lit streets, laughing, enjoying each other's company. Austin gives Vanessa a pet rock. She graciously accepts.

64 LAS VEGAS - SUPERIMPOSITION MONTAGE

Austin and Vanessa stroll against a changing series of backgrounds&emdash; neon signs, Vegas icons, dice showgirls, etc.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Sounds of MOANS and GROANS. We see Austin's backside sticking out above a piece of furniture, then Vanessa's high-heeled leg straining upwards.

VANESSA (O.S.) Watch out, you're on my hair!

AUSTIN (O.S.) Sorry. Move your hand to the left. There you go. Gorgeous.

VANESSA (O.S.) Go! Just go!

We hear a SPINNING SOUND.

AUSTIN (O.S.) Left hand, blue.

We now see that Austin and Vanessa are playing TWISTER. She reaches for left hand blue and they fall over, laughing.

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Фильм Остин Пауэрс. Человек-загадка международного масштаба/ Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery. Сценарий на английском языке бесплатно
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