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Американский пирог/ American Pie

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded shirts...pants...socks...and hear

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.) Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you're so good.

JIM (O.S.) Yeah, I'm the best, baby.

Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear. Or, more appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in and out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional glimpses of what looks like --

JIM (O.S.)(CONT'D) ...oh -- that was a tit, tits...

As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is possible to watch the pay channels while they're scrambled. You just need a decent imagination to fill in the rest of the picture. We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17, short, horny.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.) Give it to me! Yes!

JIM Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.

Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe. We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next to Jim on his bed. "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team" section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the "Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.) Don't you love my sexy body?!

JIM I do, baby, I do.

He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off the floor.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.) You're so big!

JIM Yeah, that's right.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.) (deep macho voice) Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!

Jim is thrown off.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D) Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!

JIM Man, shut up!

Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after which JIM'S MOM enters. Jim scrambles and quickly covers himself and the dictionary with a pillow. She's oblivious to his doings.

JIM'S MOM Hey, Jimmy. I just wanted to say sweet dreams.

JIM Yep, okay Mom, 'night.

JIM'S MOM (leans in to Jim) Kiss goodnight.

Jim is revolted. Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss. She turns to leave, and notices the TV.

JIM'S MOM (CONT'D) Is something wrong with the reception?

JIM Yeah. Damn cable. There's this nature show that I'm trying to watch.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.) Fuck me! Yes!

JIM Uh...

He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE, but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.) BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!

Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.

JIM (choking) Must...be...broken...

JIM'S DAD enters.

JIM'S DAD What the heck is this?

JIM Nothing!

JIM'S MOM I think he's trying to watch one of the illegal channels.

JIM Jesus, Mom! They're not illegal! They're pay channels. How could a television channel be illegal?! God, get a clue!

JIM'S DAD James, don't speak that way to your mother!

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.) Play with my hairy balls!

JIM'S DAD Turn that garbage off! Give me that!

Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the pillow that's been covering Jim. The pillow gets brushed aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.

JIM'S MOM Oh my God!

JIM'S DAD Honey, why don't you let me handle this one.

He ushers her out. Jim's Dad is stuck there with his half-naked son. Horrible, awful embarrassment. A long, strained beat.

JIM'S DAD (CONT'D) Jesus Christ. The dictionary? Hell, son, I'll buy you some dirty magazines.

Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head. Jim sits agape, humiliated.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.) Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS - DAY

We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits: "Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place To Be"

EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY

The front of the school. KEVIN drives up in his Accord. He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school senior. VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident. She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big "Vanderbilt" return address on it.

KEVIN It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky. You got in.

VICKY You think so?

She tears it open. Pulls out a course catalog, various forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.

KEVIN "Dear Ms. Hughes. We're sorry, but after keeping you on the wait list for the past couple months, we've decided you are now rejected. Enclosed is a 100-page, full-color brochure on how rejected you are."

VICKY Kevin, this is serious!

KEVIN You got in.

Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles concert. Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and hug.

VICKY I love you!

She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled, almost perfunctorily returning the hug.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - MORNING

Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky senior with a football-player build. He cradles a ball in a lacrosse stick.

OZ Illegal channels? Shit, if there's any channel that should be illegal, it's whatever that women's channel is. Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some shit.

JIM Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little Mermaid on TV the other night? That Ariel, whew.

OZ She's a mermaid, dude.

JIM (trumping him) Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.

OZ She's a cartoon, dude.

JIM A hot cartoon.

OZ Is there anything you don't jerk off to?

JIM C-Span?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY

Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall. Oz bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it again. Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.

KEVIN Then she said -- she loves me.

OZ Oh shit dude, the L-word!

JIM And you said...

KEVIN Nothing, I just hugged her back.

JIM You think she was serious?

KEVIN I couldn't tell -- She could've meant like, "I love you grandma" or "I love you Vanderbilt."

OZ Just don't bring it up, hang low, maybe she won't mention it again.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.

MICHELLE And what we should do today, in band? Instead of playing our instruments regularly? We should play them backwards! That'll be so funny!

The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting to play their instruments from the wrong end. The guys shudder.

OZ (to Jim) You guys got the Latin homework?

JIM No -- Kevin, you?

KEVIN (offended) Please. (then) We're all golden, we're college bound. I figured it out -- I can get a c- minus in every class, and it's not gonna make a difference. U of M, here I come.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE - DAY

Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting a pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.

VICKY Vanderbilt's not that far from U of M.

JESSICA Yeah right.

VICKY What? We both have cars.

JESSICA Yeah but, no offense, you're talking about a post-high school, long- distance relationship, and you and Kevin haven't even done it yet.

VICKY That's not why we're going out.

JESSICA What the hell are you expecting him to drive to Vanderbilt for? Milk and cookies?

VICKY Jessica! He'll drive there for me, and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him. We're going to have sex when he's ready and I'm ready. It's got to be completely perfect. I want the right place, the right time, the right moment.

JESSICA Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex. So did you do the physics write-up?

VICKY (offended, a la Kevin) Please.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall. PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.

JIM There's our man.

KEVIN Finch, you got the Latin homework?

FINCH Non habeo. Canis meus id comedit.

The guys keep staring. A beat.

KEVIN Whatever.

Someone is HOLLERING down the hall. Running towards Oz is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz. Not really part of the group.

STIFLER (yelling) NOVA!!

OZ Stifler!!

Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear hug.

STIFLER You coming to party tonight, Ostreicher, ya fuckface?

OZ Depends if my date wants to stop by.

STIFLER That junior chick?

OZ Nah, gave her the Heisman. I'm working on something new.

STIFLER Yeah right. I got an idea for something new. How 'bout you guys actually locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fuckin' use 'em.

OZ Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a college chick!

STIFLER Bullshit. From where?

OZ She works part-time at my dad's store.

STIFLER Hah! Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.

OZ Dude, he does not.

KEVIN Really, Stifler. He's the manager.

Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.

STIFLER Hey, man, I'm not making fun. I'm fuckin' impressed. I mean, "Footlong or six-inch, white or wheat," that's some serious shit to master.

Oz musters a little LAUGH.

KEVIN (half-joking) Stifler, you're such an asshole.

STIFLER Meyers, what's the deal with you and Vicky, anyway? You've been going out since Homecoming and all she'll do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd.

FINCH Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?

STIFLER (momentarily puzzled) I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak. (then) Alright then, see you guys tonight. I'll look for you in the No Fucking section.

The guys all take this little too seriously to have a comeback. Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks off.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone. Hanging near his closet is a tuxedo. INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on his cell phone, traveling down a California road.

KEVIN'S BROTHER You called me to ask me how to get laid?

KEVIN What was I gonna do, call dad? I don't even know his number.

KEVIN'S BROTHER Just dial 976-Asshole.

KEVIN Yeah, well anyway...I thought you might have some advice, brother to brother. I mean, I think tonight she might, we might really, there's a chance that -- you know.

KEVIN'S BROTHER Have you ever heard of the bible?

KEVIN What? Not the Bible?

KEVIN'S BROTHER Well, that's not really the name, but we always called it that.

KEVIN Does it tell me how to get laid?

KEVIN'S BROTHER You know what, nevermind. You're not ready.

KEVIN Ready for what?

KEVIN'S BROTHER Whoop, you're fading out. Good luck at that party.

INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON

A small, nostalgia-themed dive. Despite the theme, CLASSIC ROCK plays. Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a table. They munch on hot dogs piled high with condiments.

KEVIN You ever hear of something called The Bible?

OZ Once, in church, dude.

Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA Weekly.

JIM Ooh, here's an easy one: "Attractive SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind seeks outgoing companion." Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.

OZ "Fun loving" -- insane.

KEVIN Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind," equals old.

JIM No, "Charming" is old. "Older" is really old. "Youthful mind" is dead.

FINCH Perhaps you should consider actually answering an ad.

JIM Finch, you can be the one to date a nearly-dead insane chick. Eat your damn imitation hot dog.

FINCH ("for the hundredth time") This is no imitation. Removing the hot dog from the Ultradog yields a better dog. Behold -- Ultradog, no dog.

Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog. It's all condiments. The guys react with rehearsed offense.

KEVIN (checks his watch) Alright...I'm shooting for a nine o'clock ETA. Beer in hand by five after.

JIM You can crash at Stifler's?

KEVIN It's all good. (He pulls out some gum) Breath check.

He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of Scope. Gargles with it. Spits it into his drink cup.

OZ (repulsed) Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.

KEVIN You got something up your sleeve for tonight, Finch?

FINCH A foolproof plan, my friend. You shall see.

Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded by the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the Manfred Mann remake].

OZ (sings along) And little hurly-burly came by in her curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed I ri-hide --

KEVIN How the hell do you know all these random songs?

OZ It's early Springsteen, dude, this is classic. This was before the cheesy remake.

JIM This was remade? Into what?

OZ (chiming in as the chorus hits) Bli-hinded by the light -- cut loose like a deuce, another runner in the night, blinded...

KEVIN At least now I know what the hell they're saying.

JIM So, does my hair look better -- (flips a small lock of hair onto his forehead) like this, or... (flips it back up) like this?

OZ Who cares?

JIM Nadia does, that Czechoslovakian chick, she might be there tonight. Now, do you think she'd prefer -- (flips hair down again) Cool Hip Jim... (flips it back up) or Laid Back Jim?

KEVIN The difference is so phenomenal, I can't decide.

EXT. DOG DAYS - MAGIC HOUR - CONTINUING

They exit the restaurant.

JIM What about you? You're the one with the girlfriend and you're still stranded on third base.

KEVIN You know, I've never got that shit. What exactly constitutes third base?

OZ (holds up a couple fingers) Contact, dude.

KEVIN Then where does a blowjob figure in?

They ponder this for a moment.

OZ Shortstop. 'Course, you don't make it to third, and you're out.

JIM So let's say you get there...what's uh, third base feel like?

KEVIN Oh, man, that's kind of sad.

Jim shrugs, embarrassed.

OZ Feels like warm apple pie, dude.

JIM Apple pie... (then) McDonald's or homemade?

They just look at him. Finch hops on his scooter.

FINCH Gentlemen, see you at the Bacchanalia.

He MEEPS his horn and buzzes away.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - NIGHT

For a high-school party, it's pretty good. The house is peppered with ALL TYPES OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS. MUSIC blends with the din of excited conversation.

Kevin and Jim are drinking beers. Around them, students mingle and flirt. CHUCK SHERMAN comes up.

SHERMAN What's up, fellas?

JIM Hey Sherman. Scopin' the babes.

SHERMAN Indeed. Some fine ladies here, boys. Confidence is high, repeat, confidence is high. Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full strategic arsenal ready for deployment.

JIM You've got something going?

SHERMAN Did you see that Central chick? Brunette?

KEVIN/JIM No.

SHERMAN She's around. Seems that she's taken a liking to me. Fellas, it's time that she experienced -- The Sherminator.

KEVIN Yeah, okay Sherman, whatever.

SHERMAN I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back through time...to change the future for one lucky lady.

KEVIN Yeah man, right on!

Sherman saunters off into the party.

KEVIN (CONT'D) (shakes his head) Hopeless.

Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys, EXCHANGING GREETINGS. Jim spots NADIA across the room. She's beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.

JIM Oh, shit! There she is. Nadia.

VICKY You like her? Her sponsor family lives on my block. Why don't you talk to her?

JIM What would I say?

VICKY Just tell her what's on your mind. And smile, you've got a good smile. (then to Kevin) Come on.

KEVIN (to Jim) Gotta go.

JIM But --

Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd -- just as Jim sees Nadia approaching him. He freaks.

JIM (cont'd) Kevin, get back here!

But he's gone. And Nadia is now in front of him. With no other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.

NADIA (with a really sexy accent) You are in my English class, no?

Jim smiles.

JIM (barely) Yes.

NADIA I thought so.

Jim's smile grows even bigger, almost stupid. A beat.

NADIA (cont'd) So you are having fun?

Jim nods, still smiling away. Staring right through her head.

NADIA (cont'd) I said, you are having fun?

A little SQUEAK escapes his throat. Jim is on mental vacation.

NADIA (cont'd) Me too.

A beat. Jim's expression is now plasticized. Eyes vacant. A frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is confused.

NADIA (cont'd) Well...I am going to get another beer. You want one?

Jim strains to speak, through his smile.

JIM No...you...go...ahead.

NADIA Okay.

She walks off. Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a huge burden is now off of him. He wipes his brow. Then, realizing --

JIM Oh, shit. No! Shit!

He pounds his head with his fist.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

A group of band dorks is on the porch, including Michelle. Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them in disbelief.

MICHELLE We're here for the party?

STIFLER What party? There's no party.

MUSIC blares from inside. A drunken HAND reaches through the door and ruffles Stifler's hair.

PARTY GUY (O.S.) Stiff-lerrr! Par-tyyy!!

The hand disappears back into the house. A beat.

STIFLER Try the house down the street.

Stifler slams the door. The dorks wait a moment.

BAND DORK Ring the bell again.

MICHELLE Ringing the bell is dorky -- let's just go in.

We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.

VICKY Oh, Kev.

KEVIN Vicky -- do you think, maybe...it's time for us to take the next step in our relationship?

VICKY Tonight?

KEVIN Yeah, it's such a perfect evening. Isn't this how you've always pictured it?

PARTY GUY (O.S.) (yelling) Dude, my farts fuckin' stink!

PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.) You reek like a fuckin' Yeti, dude! Go take a shit or something!

Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.

KEVIN Or not.

Vicky pushes him onto his back.

VICKY Just relax.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK. She's attractive and older- looking (from a high-school perspective). They are parked near the river that flows through downtown Great Falls.

OZ Great evening, isn't it?

COLLEGE CHICK Sure.

OZ There's something about the spring that's just cool. Like the smell of fresh rain or something.

At this, she snuggles up to him. Oz smiles confidently.

OZ (CONT'D) Suck me, beautiful.

The College Chick backs off, confounded.

COLLEGE CHICK What did you just say?

OZ (not so confidently) Suck me...beautiful?

The College Chick's eyes flutter in disbelief. She tries to keep her cool -- but can barely restrain her laughter.

COLLEGE CHICK What?!

Oz attempts to maintain a suave exterior, but he's just had the rug pulled from under him.

OZ Uh...you know, my friends call me Nova -- as in Casanova.

COLLEGE CHICK You need some work, buddy!

She bursts into laughter. Oz is ill.

OZ Well...jeez, don't laugh at me.

Seeing Oz's defeated expression, she collects herself.

COLLEGE CHICK Look, Chris. There are just some things you need to learn, that's all.

OZ Like what?

She sees that he's lost. Almost feels sorry for him.

COLLEGE CHICK Alright, well...you've got to tone it down. You don't need to go to Lookout Point and spout cheeseball lines to be romantic.

OZ ...okay...

COLLEGE CHICK You have to pay attention to a girl. Be sensitive to her feelings. Relationships are reciprocal.

OZ I'm not good in math.

She's trying not to laugh again.

COLLEGE CHICK Come on, I'll drop you off at your friends'.

Oz couldn't be humiliated any further.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT - SAME TIME

Oz is nursing a beer, having just told the story to Jim, Stifler, and some guys.

STIFLER (hysterical, toppling over) You actually said that?! Haaaah!!

OZ Shut the fuck up.

JIM Hey, you did better than I did, Nova.

OZ Oh that's really reassuring. And don't call me Nova anymore. I'm a fraud.

STIFLER This is pathetic. I'm gonna find me a little hottie.

Stifler strides into another room.

STIFLER (O.S.)(cont'd) (yelling) Suck me, beautiful!

Oz wallows in his beer can, beaten.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Vicky is pleasuring Kevin...you know.

VICKY (brief pause) Let me know.

KEVIN Okay, don't stop.

She resumes. A moment more -- and then Kevin is about to lose it.

KEVIN (cont'd) Oh -- Now!

With awkward hurriedness, Vicky stops as Kevin frantically searches for a receptacle. He grabs a nearby cup of beer.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT

Insert -- A hand pumping up the keg. A fresh beer foams out into the cup.

GUY #1 There we go.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER

Vicky is buttoning up her shirt. Kevin tentatively sets down the beer and buttons his pants. Suddenly the DOOR BURSTS OPEN. Stifler is standing there. A coat hanger sticks out of the doorknob.

STIFLER SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!

KEVIN God dammit, Stifler!

STIFLER Check-out time! Please vacate the room.

VICKY Stifler, you're such a jerk.

She runs out, grabbing her clothes. Kevin runs after her.

KEVIN Vicky, wait!

Stifler enters the bedroom, laughing, pulling a SOPHOMORE CHICK behind him. He closes the door.

SOPHOMORE CHICK God, I can't believe there are so many cool people at this party.

STIFLER Yep.

SOPHOMORE And you got a keg, too, wow. (realizing) Oh, wait, I left my beer downstairs.

Stifler notices Kevin's beer sitting on the night table. He hands it to her.

STIFLER Here, babe.

SOPHOMORE CHICK Thanks.

She's about to take a sip.

STIFLER (gazing into her eyes) You're really beautiful.

Thrown off, she sets the beer down.

SOPHOMORE CHICK Really?

STIFLER Uh huh.

She's totally enthralled. Nervous, she raises the beer again to take a sip. Then Stifler moves in. Takes the beer from her and sets it down. Starts kissing her. She breaks it off.

SOPHOMORE CHICK I don't know if I want to be doing this.

STIFLER (sighs) Doing what?

Stifler looks inconvenienced. He picks up the beer, annoyed.

SOPHOMORE CHICK You know. If we hook up, tomorrow I'll just be some girl you go telling all your friends about.

STIFLER (shifty) No way.

Avoiding her look, he raises the beer to take a sip.

SOPHOMORE CHICK (a little angry) Steve! You could at least look at me when you say that.

Stifler stops and SIGHS, the beer inches from his mouth. Lowers it. Stares her in the eye.

STIFLER Look... (searching, remembers) ...Sarah. I wouldn't go telling stories or whatever about you. I promise.

Smiling, he raises the beer...

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING

Jim and some OTHER GUYS are pounding shots of vodka.

JIM What the hell? I should be able to talk to chicks. I'm articulate. I got a 720 on my SAT verbal. (starts listing off words) Copious. Verisimilitude.

A GUY SCREAMS upstairs.

JIM (CONT'D) (unaffected) Intransigence.

A GIRL SCREAMS upstairs. The SOPHOMORE CHICK comes running through the kitchen. SCREAMING. And indeterminate stain is on her shirt. She bolts out the door and into the night. A moment passes.

JIM (CONT'D) Regurgitation.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT

Stifler is on his knees, barfing in the toilet. Jim and a few other guys rush in.

GUY #1 Oh, gross.

JIM Jesus, what did you eat?

Stifler just keeps hurling. Kevin enters, holding the remains of the tainted beer.

KEVIN Stifler, how's the man chowder?!

Stifler barfs even more violently.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT

Jessica and Vicky are refilling their beers at the keg. Nadia waits patiently beside them with an empty cup.

VICKY He likes it.

JESSICA Of course he does. What about you? Have you just never had one with Kevin -- or have you never had one, period?

VICKY I think I've had one.

JESSICA Well that's a no. No wonder you're not psyched about sex. (starts filling Vicky's beer) You've never even had one manually?

VICKY ...I've never tried it.

JESSICA Are you kidding? You've never double- clicked your mouse?

Vicky shrugs.

JESSICA (CONT'D) Hell, just a pair of tight pants will set me off. (noticing Nadia next to them, she passes the tap along) Am I right or what, Nadia?

NADIA (no bones about it) You are right. The hands are not always necessary.

JESSICA (to Vicky) See?

NADIA In fact -- I should teach you my own special method. I developed it myself at the ballet institute in Prague. You use nothing but the muscles of the inner thigh.

Nadia walks off.

JESSICA No wonder she never pays attention in class.

Vicky nods, traumatized.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER

Kevin and Jim are looking at a PICTURE OF STIFLER'S MOM on the wall. Very attractive, late 30's.

JIM Shit, I can't believe a fine woman like this produced a guy like Stifler.

TWO FRESHMAN GUYS are walking by as Jim says this.

FRESHMAN GUY Dude! That chick -- is a MILF!

FRESHMAN GUY #2 What the hell is that?

FRESHMAN GUY M-I-L-F! Mom I'd Like to Fuck!

Suddenly, a bedroom door opens a couple inches. Sherman pokes his head out.

SHERMAN (hushed, to guys) Don't you think you fellas could try a little tact? I've got company. Know what I mean?

In the bedroom in the background, we see the Central Girl. Sherman closes the door, leaving the guys there, dumbstruck.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - STAIRWAY - NIGHT

Jim and Kevin are coming down the stairs.

KEVIN (snapping) Dammit! If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really fucking pissed.

They turn the corner into the kitchen.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING

KEVIN Man, I just gotta get laid already! This blowjob thing is bullshit!

He stops. Vicky is there with Jessica. Staring at him. Vicky quietly grabs her purse. Hurt. OTHER STUDENTS watch, silently. Kevin doesn't know what to say.

VICKY Jessica, can you drive me home?

JESSICA Sure.

The guys watch as the girls head for the door.

KEVIN Vicky, wait.

VICKY Not for you.

The girls exit. Nobody says anything. Kevin is in shock.

PARTY GUY (O.S.) Yeti! I am the Yeti!

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - DAY

The next morning. The party is long over. Plastic beer cups and various bottles litter the house, but it's not trashed.

Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head. He stumbles over a body. It's Kevin.

KEVIN Ow, what the hell?

JIM Sorry, I thought you were dead.

They walk over to the other side of the room. Finch is sitting on the couch.

FINCH Good morning gentleman.

JIM Finch! Where were you last night? What happened to the foolproof plan?

FINCH I thought a fashionably late entrance would enhance my appearance. (off their looks) When I got here, the Bacchanalia was over and the nymphs had left.

Oz wanders in, still sullen. Takes a seat, sulking.

KEVIN Feeling better, Oz?

OZ I'm such a loser.

KEVIN That's the spirit.

We hear FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs. It's the CENTRAL GIRL. She wears a "Central" sweatshirt. Sherman follows behind her. The guys watch in disbelief as Sherman and the girl speak hushed, intimately.

SHERMAN (snippets of conversation) ...I'll never forget...thank you.

The Central Girl smiles. Notices the other guys watching. Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek.

CENTRAL GIRL Bye.

She exits. The guys are dumbfounded. Jaws hang. Sherman looks triumphant. Strides over to the guys.

JIM You did it.

SHERMAN Fellas, say goodbye to Chuck Sherman, the boy. I am now a man.

The guys are shocked and amazed.

SHERMAN (CONT'D) I highly recommend you join the club.

KEVIN I -- I don't get it, how the hell did you do that?

SHERMAN It was just my time, fellas, it was just my time. Best of luck to you, boys.

Sherman exits. Silence. The guys look like they just lost the World Series on errors. They slowly take seats, ruined.

KEVIN I put in months of quality time with Vicky. Sherman meets a chick for one night and scores? This is just wrong.

OZ No shit, I'm never gonna get laid. How the hell am I gonna become this Mr. Sensitive Man?

JIM Jesus, we're all gonna go to college as virgins. They've probably got special dorms for people like us.

A long beat as they give this serious consideration. Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the group.

KEVIN Alright, I got an idea. But it stays between us. Agreed?

They do.

KEVIN (cont'd) Okay. It's really simple. We make an agreement -- no wait, more than an agreement.

JIM Like a bet?

KEVIN No, a pact. No money involved. This is more important than any bet. Now here's the deal: We all get laid before we graduate.

A beat

OZ Dude, it's not like I haven't been trying to get laid.

KEVIN This is different. This is better. Think of when you're working out, Oz. You need a partner, someone to spot you. Someone to keep you motivated.

Oz nods, getting into it. Kevin smiles and continues, arms outspread.

KEVIN (CONT'D) That's what we are, we keep each other on track. Prior to this day, we've postured. We've procrastinated. We've pretended. We've -- well I can't think of other p-words, but we've probably done them too.

JIM Pontificated.

KEVIN (ignoring him) Separately, we are flawed and vulnerable. But together, we are the masters of our sexual destiny!

JIM (kung fu voice) Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong; but our dragon style will defeat it!

OZ (going on) The Sha-lin masters from east and west must unite!

KEVIN Guys, guys -- you're ruining my fucking moment here. Now think about it --

Kevin jumps up on a chair.

KEVIN (CONT'D) No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!

Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in front of him. One by one, the guys pile their hands on top, in between them -- it's a pact! They break with a CHEER. Woo-hoo!

STIFLER (wandering down from upstairs) What the hell are you losers doing?

They all stop. Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his mouth. A goatee of dried toothpaste.

FINCH If I might ask, when you brush your teeth, do you spit or swallow?

Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green and heads back upstairs.

INT. DOG DAYS - DAY

The guys are finishing up breakfast. Hot dogs & eggs.

KEVIN Now, the sex -- it's got to be valid, consensual sex. No funny stuff. And no prostitutes, if you were thinking about that, Finch.

Finch gives a wistful "Who, me?"

KEVIN (CONT'D) So, I'm thinking prom is basically our last big chance.

OZ Dude, prom sucks.

KEVIN I know, but think about it -- At the parties that night. Chicks are gonna want to do it.

JIM Yeah, it's like tradition or something.

KEVIN Right. That gives us...

JIM Exactly three weeks to the day.

They take this in with some trepidation.

KEVIN Alright then. It's official. Any questions?

There are none. Kevin raises his Pepsi.

KEVIN (cont'd) To the next step.

The guys raise their drinks.

ALL To the next step.

They toast. And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING FOR SEX MONTAGE:

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow pages. Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing. Kevin dials.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together, which Kevin takes. They part ways.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in confusion. A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain pottery with little sponges. Oz looks dubious.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch is unpacking his lunch. He carefully unfolds a napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed. Other than that, he's doing absolutely nothing.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera attached to his computer. The computer screen reads, "E- DATE: We Make Love Happen." As Jim fiddles with the camera, a window on the screen shows his real-time image. He clicks an onscreen-button labeled "FREEZE IMAGE" -- the image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace. The screen reads, "IMAGE SENT."

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGHS - LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE. We see he's in the "Religion" section. Surrounded by piles of different bibles. No luck.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch pulls out a small mustard packet. He neatly snips the end with scissors. Then rolls the packet, like a tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last bit of mustard.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jim is on his computer. The screen reads "YOU HAVE 00 REPLIES." Jim is nonplussed.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin's locker, holding their backpacks open. Kevin holds a big shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms falls out. He hands it over to Jim...and we see that the guys' packs are full of various condom boxes.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously examining them.

And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.

JIM (shoving the rubbers into his night table) Just a minute!

He opens the bedroom door. Jim's Dad is standing there.

JIM'S DAD (trying not to look inside) Can I come in?

JIM Yeah, sure.

JIM'S DAD You're not...busy?

JIM Dad, come in.

Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag. He takes a seat on Jim's bed.

JIM'S DAD (fatherly attempt) Sit down, Jim. Let's talk.

Jim takes a seat next to his dad.

JIM Okay.

JIM'S DAD These are for you. From father to son.

Jim looks at the bag. Uncomfortable. Hesitantly, he takes it. Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of PERFECT 10.

JIM Uh...dad...

Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father.

JIM'S DAD Go ahead son, there's more.

Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag. Cringes. Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.

JIM'S DAD (cont'd) Now, that one's a little more...a little more...graphic.

JIM I know, Dad.

JIM'S DAD Oh, okay. Here's let me show you.

Jim's Dad takes the bag back. Pulls out a copy of SHAVED.

JIM'S DAD (cont'd) This, son, is your more exotic dirty magazine.

JIM Dad! I know!

JIM'S DAD Do you know about the clitoris?

JIM (through clenched teeth) Yes dad.

JIM'S DAD Sometimes it can be pretty hard to locate.

JIM (interrupting, hand up) Thank you, dad, I got it.

JIM'S DAD Okay, well that about covers it.

Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.

JIM'S DAD (cont'd) Now, let's put these somewhere where your mother won't find them.

Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines. He goes to open Jim's night table. Jim freaks.

JIM Wait!

But it's too late. Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the unraveled prophylactics. He sours.

JIM'S DAD (beaten) I'll have to save this speech for another day. I'm too worn out.

Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NEAR THE HALL OF FAME - DAY

Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.

KEVIN Did you get the flowers? (no response) What about the poem?

She doesn't care.

KEVIN (cont'd) Vicky, please don't do this.

Vicky stares him right in the eye. Strong.

VICKY I'll think about it.

She slams her locker and walks off. Jessica is nearby. She's overheard.

JESSICA Ah, you'll get her back soon enough. That's easy, she likes you. What you need to do is learn to press a girl's buttons. You gotta give her what she's never had.

KEVIN What?

JESSICA I'll give you a hint. (hot, orgasmic) "Ohhh, yeah, yeah!" (flat) Comprende?

KEVIN You mean...and orgasm?

JESSICA You got it, stud.

KEVIN Well...I'm pretty sure I've --

JESSICA (interrupts authoritatively) No you haven't.

KEVIN But that one time --

JESSICA (shaking head) No.

KEVIN Well of course I'd want to give her that. I mean, what do you think, I don't care about her?

JESSICA Do you?

KEVIN Of course.

JESSICA Do you love her?

Kevin squirms.

KEVIN I -- I don't know, you can't ask me that.

JESSICA Well, if you want to get her in the sack, tell her you love her. That's how I was duped.

KEVIN I don't want to dupe her, Jessica. If I say it, I have to be sure I mean it.

JESSICA Well it's up to you. The Big L, or the Big O.

Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless.

STIFLER Dickhead! You gotta see this.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - MOMENT LATER

The VOCAL JAZZ GROUP is practicing, singing one of those doo-wop, Acapella love songs (i.e. "Love You Like I Do"). Singing with the group is none other than Oz. He's not doing too badly, but mainly he's checking out the various vocal jazz girls. Smiling at them, giving suave little waves.

Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the auditorium, listening.

JIM This is unexpected.

STIFLER What did you cocks do to him? Shit, if Coach Marshall sees this, he'll kick Oz off the team on principle alone.

The song finishes. Oz bounds up to the other guys.

OZ Hey guys, you came to watch me in action?

JIM Yeah, I think you sounded pretty good.

STIFLER I think you need your balls reattached.

OZ Keep it down, dude.

STIFLER What the fuck are you doing here?

OZ This place is an untapped resource. Check it out, dude, these vocal jazz girls are hot.

ANGLE ON SOME VOCAL JAZZ GIRLS

A few of the girls are gathering their stuff, one of whom is HEATHER -- conservative-looking, cute.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1 Hey, we've got Conan the Barbarian singing with us.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #2 Maybe he'll crush some beer cans on his forehead.

HEATHER I think he's got a nice voice.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1 (ribbing her) Go talk to him, maybe you can teach him how to read.

Heather shakes her head. BACK TO:

STIFLER You dipshit, you're expecting to score with some goody-goody choir-girl priss?

OZ Dude, watch me work. They go for sensitive studs like me.

Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - LATER

Finch is sitting on a bench, reading the paper, carefree. Kevin and Jim approach.

KEVIN This is your plan, Finch?

FINCH Yep.

He turns a page. Skims the articles. A beat.

KEVIN This. Right now.

FINCH Uh-huh.

JIM You're just gonna sit there and drink your coffee?

FINCH Mochaccino. (then) Actually, in the spirit of the pact, I do need to ask for your cooperation in one small matter.

KEVIN Of course, Finch. What?

FINCH Whatever you hear about me, you agree.

KEVIN What are we gonna hear?

FINCH You'll see. Gotta go. Sixteen minute round trip.

JIM Finch, don't you think it's about time you learned to take a dump at school?

FINCH When was the last time you looked at the facilities here?

KEVIN Fifteen minutes ago.

Finch shudders and walks away. Kevin and Jim stand there, dumbfounded. An ENTHRALLED GIRL approaches.

ENTHRALLED GIRL Uh, guys? Was that Paul Finch?

KEVIN Yeah.

ENTHRALLED GIRL You guys have like, seen him in the locker room, right?

KEVIN Yeah.

ENTHRALLED GIRL Is it true that he's really...huge?

JIM I have no idea. Finch showers in a bathing suit.

KEVIN (forced) No -- it's true. He is...really... big.

JIM (loving it) Yeah, enormous.

ENTHRALLED GIRL Woah. Does he have a date for prom yet.

JIM Definitely not.

ENTHRALLED GIRL No way!

She hurries off to a GROUP OF GIRLS, sharing the gossip. They all seem very interested.

KEVIN (dumbfounded) Finch hasn't done a damn thing, and he's got girls lining up already.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.) Say that again, Kevin?

KEVIN Uh...I thought you might know a trick or something. To make her, you know...

INTERCUT WITH

INT. SUSHI BAR - DAY

Kevin's brother is on his cell phone. A SUSHI CHEF prepares food behind the counter.

KEVIN'S BROTHER Orgasm?

The Sushi Chef looks up. Kevin's Brother turns away.

KEVIN Yeah.

SUSHI CUSTOMER (to Kevin's Brother) What's good here?

KEVIN'S BROTHER Try the spicy tuna hand roll.

KEVIN What?! How do I do that?

KEVIN'S BROTHER Uh -- forget that. Look, is that all you're interested in? Ways to get your girlfriend into bed?

KEVIN Well, no. I think...I guess it would be good to be able to return the favor. I mean, it would be nice to know she enjoys things as much as I do.

KEVIN'S BROTHER That's good, that's what I needed to hear. Now you qualify.

KEVIN Qualify for what?

KEVIN'S BROTHER You've just inherited The Bible.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin is walking through the "Religion" Section. He carefully looks about, making sure nobody's watching.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.) It originally started as a sex manual, this book that some guys brought back from Amsterdam in the early eighties. What to do with your tongue, things like that. And each year, it got passed on to one East student who was worthy of it.

Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various bibles on the bottom shelf.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd) After a couple years, guys started adding their own techniques. Things they figured out themselves.

Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom shelf. Pulls out a pocket knife. Flips up the bottom of the shelf. Slides it out.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd) You have to keep it a secret, and return it at the end of the year. So, now you know. Good luck.

There, a bit dusty, is an old book. Many extra pages of notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking the binding. The original title is now obscured -- over it, someone has written "The Bible."

Remember when Indian Jones found that gold statue? It's like that right now.

Kevin carefully pulls it out. Reverently flips through it. Full of details. Explicit diagrams. Anecdotes. And atop each handwritten page is a year, indicating the date it was added.

Kevin reaches the last page. It's blank. He lightly runs his hand down the empty page.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Jim enters his house, slinging his backpack off his shoulder.

JIM (yells) Mom?! I'm home!

No response. Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a fresh-baked pie on the counter. Next to it is a note: "Jimmy - Apple, your favorite. I'll be home late. Enjoy! Love Mom."

Jim sniffs the pie, taking in the aroma. Then stops...as a quizzical look spreads across his face.

After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the pie. Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.

Then Jim becomes more curious. We can see the gears in his head start to turn. He looks down at the pie like it's... well, not a pie.

EXT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY

Jim's dad gets out of his car, carrying his briefcase.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Jim's dad comes in the door and stops dead in his tracks. His face drops, appalled.

JIM'S DAD Jim?

JIM It's not what it looks like!

CUT TO:

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Jim and his Dad sit in silence, opposite each other at the table. Jim stares into his lap, humiliated. Jim's dad is crushed. You've never seen such disappointment... but he's trying to keep his chin up for Jim's sake.

In the middle of the table is the pie. It's decimated. Mushed up, ruined...violated.

JIM'S DAD (fighting back tears) I guess...we'll just tell your mother...that we ate it all.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Late. Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book -- the Bible.

If all students studied the way Kevin's studying this book, we'd have a nation of geniuses. He's scrutinizing it. Turning it sideways and upside down as if trying to decipher cave paintings.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY

The Vocal Jazz Group is doing a song. Oz is singing along, really making it look like he's into it. He closes his eyes, singing with even more enthusiasm. As the song ends, Oz continues just a moment more with his shtick -- a little, heartfelt vocal "scat" to tag the number. The thing is, it actually sounds really good.

Oz opens his eyes...to see the whole group -- especially the girls -- looking at him, somewhat awed.

The CHOIR TEACHER is a smartly-dressed black woman.

CHOIR TEACHER What the hell was that?

OZ Sorry.

CHOIR TEACHER No, it was good.

OZ Oh, well... (noticing Heather looking at him, he acts "sensitive") It came from the heart.

CHOIR TEACHER Well then keep it coming. (to everyone) Alright, people, good work! Keep it up and we'll do great at the state competition.

Rehearsal wraps up, and Heather comes up to Oz.

HEATHER Not bad, Chris.

OZ (surprised himself) Really? Hey, thanks -- Heather, right?

HEATHER Yeah...so...you've got this sort of... Bobby McFerrin thing going there.

OZ (no idea) Yeah. Right, uh-huh. (then, back into it) I feel like I've discovered this whole new side of me. Music is so expressive.

HEATHER (amused) Okay. (then) I mean, I agree, but...aren't you supposed to be out, like, trying to decapitate someone with your lacrosse stick or something?

Oz "gets serious" at this.

OZ Oh sure. I know what people think. It's like, Oz, he's just this kickass lacrosse player -- I also play football, by the way -- But that's like...not all that I am.

HEATHER Of course, I didn't --

OZ (cutting her off) I mean it really bothers me when people try to pigeonhole me like that.

HEATHER (sparking to this) You? You think I don't get that? God, it's like just because I don't get drunk and barf every weekend, people say "Oh, here's this goody-two- shoes choir-girl priss."

Of course, this is what Stifler said about her. And for a moment, this catches Oz off guard.

OZ Yeah...so like, what else do you do?

HEATHER (offended) Well the same things you do. Hang out with friends and stuff, you know, whatever. (then) What do you think I do?

OZ (genuine) I just -- realized that I didn't know anything about you. I was interested.

HEATHER Oh...well that's okay. Cool.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - DAY

Kevin is walking home with Vicky. He's a couple paces behind her, almost tagging along.

KEVIN I was being selfish. And majorly insensitive. And I'm a total idiot.

VICKY I think "shithead" really says it.

KEVIN Yes! I'm a shithead! I'm a complete and total shithead!

She cracks a little smile.

KEVIN (CONT'D) And I want to try to make it up to you.

VICKY How?

Vicky stops walking. Looks at Kevin.

EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY

Vicky's perfect suburban home...as we hear VICKY MOANING IN ECSTASY.

VICKY (V.O.) Oh...ungghhhhh!

KEVIN (V.O.) Shhhh. Your parents are downstairs.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Tight on Vicky's face, in sexual bliss, writhing.

VICKY Oh Kevin -- don't stop!

KEVIN Just a second!

We see that Kevin is kneeling on the floor. Vicky's legs are to both sides of him -- he's ducking down, consulting the bible, which is hidden beneath the bed. It's open to a page titled "The Tongue Tornado."

Kevin resumes, out of frame. Vicky goes nuts.

VICKY (cont'd) (a little too loudly) Oh, God!

Vicky reaches blindly for a pillow. She squeezes it over her face, moaning into it.

VICKY (cont'd) Moly shmmmt! Fmmkkkk!

Noticing that Vicky now can't see him, Kevin cautiously pulls out The Bible from under the bed. Sets it next to her. He constantly refers from the book to Vicky, and back again.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

VICKY'S MOM is straining some pasta. On the fridge, we see a collage in tribute to Vicky -- her senior portrait, National Honor Society certificate, a report card.

VICKY'S MOM (yells to Vicky's Dad) Hon? Can you tell Vick to come on down for supper?

VICKY'S DAD is at the table reading the paper. He gets up with a GRUNT.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky can barely control herself. She SCREAMS into the pillow.

KEVIN Vicky, shhh, you know there's no lock on your door.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - DAY

Vicky's dad is trudging up the stairs.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky wrestles with her own ecstacy. Groans. Kevin keeps referencing The Bible. Whatever he's doing, it's working.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Vicky's dad approaches the bedroom door.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky is about to explode. She pulls the pillow off her face, gasping.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Vicky's dad reaches for the doorknob.

VICKY (O.S.) I'M COMING!

Vicky's dad shrugs, turns around, and heads back downstairs.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Jim's door opens...he winces...REVERSE to see Jim's dad looking at the family portrait of Jim's family in the hallway outside Jim's room, his back turned to Jim's door.

JIM Hey, dad. Did you knock?

Jim's dad continues to study the picture. A beat. Then he turns around, like he just realized the door was open.

JIM'S DAD Oh, Jim! I'm looking at the ol' family portrait, here. Yep. It's a good one.

Jim can only shrugs in response. He goes into the hall and looks at the portrait. A beat.

JIM'S DAD (CONT'D) Son, I wanted to talk to you about what I think you were trying to do the other day.

Jim's face drops, seeing his death unfold.

JIM'S DAD (CONT'D) (continuing with his prepared speech) Now, you may have tried it in the shower, or maybe in bed at night, and not even known what you were doing. Or perhaps you've heard your friends talking about it in the locker room.

Jim's eyes dart about, looking for a place to hide.

JIM Dad, please stop. Please. I'm sure I know what you're talking about.

JIM'S DAD Sure you know, son, but I think you've been having a little problem with it. It's okay, though. What you're doing is perfectly normal. It's like practice. Like when you play tennis against a wall. Some day, there'll be a partner returning the ball. (a beat) You do want a partner, don't you son?

JIM (through clenched teeth) Yes.

JIM'S DAD That's great. Now remember, it's okay to play with yourself. Or, as I always called it -- (elbows Jim) "Stroke the salami!" (chuckles) Ho-ho, Jim. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, I'm fifty-two, and I still enjoy masturbating. Uncle Mort masturbates. We all masturbate.

Nauseated and entirely disoriented, Jim tries to stumble back into his room. He SMACKS the doorframe. Keeps going, slamming the door behind him. A beat.

JIM'S DAD (cont'd) Poor guy thought he was the only one.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

The football field also doubles as the lacrosse field. East Great Falls is battling Central. It's a rough game, muddy, brutal. We see Oz grunting and groaning, playing very tough.

On the sidelines, we see Heather has shown up. She's watching the game -- and is impressed as she watches Oz's agility and domination. Oz runs up the field, cradling the ball in his stick. A couple CENTRAL PLAYERS try to check him. Heather cringes with each impact, and is then excited to see Oz dodge his opponents.

Finally, Oz scores with a triumphant YELL. Heather CHEERS with the crowd as the EGF players congratulate each other.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

After the game. Oz sees Heather waiting for him on the sidelines. He's about to run over when COACH MARSHALL snags him --

COACH MARSHALL Good work, Ostreicher.

OZ Thanks coach.

COACH MARSHALL You're a killer, Ozzy!

OZ (trying to get away) -- Thanks, coach --

FOLLOW WITH OZ as he trots over to Heather, covered in mud.

OZ Hey, what're you doing here?

HEATHER Just enjoying my exhilarating first lacrosse experience. You like, "kicked butt."

A clod of mud falls from Oz's uniform onto Heather's skirt.

OZ (brushing it off her skirt) Whoops, excuse me...

Oz wipes the mud from his hands. A beat. Heather has something to say that's not quite coming out.

HEATHER Um...Chris --

OZ You can call me Oz.

HEATHER Do I have to?

OZ You can call me Ostreicher.

HEATHER What's your middle name?

OZ Forget it.

HEATHER Come on! I won't tell.

OZ Neither will I.

HEATHER Okay. (pause) So I had this...thought, and...this may seem like it's out of left field, and I don't know if you can, but since I'm not going with anyone --

Before she can finish, Stifler runs up, sweaty and excited.

STIFLER Hah! Central sucks! (noticing Heather) Choir Chick? What the hell are you doing here?

HEATHER Well, I uh, I was -- (decides to stand her ground) I was asking Chris to prom. (turns to Oz) So do you wanna go?

Oz is surprised at her directness. Impressed.

OZ Yeah!

STIFLER Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.

OZ Stifler, fuck -- (noticing Heather, "sensitive") ...man, you don't have to be so insensitive.

A beat.

STIFLER What?? (he dismisses it) Whatever -- look uh, don't forget -- my cottage after prom. On Lake Michigan.

Stifler joins some other LACROSSE BUDDIES.

OZ Alright, cool. I gotta hit the showers, but...I think this'll be really good.

HEATHER Yeah, me too, okay, cool.

They share a smile. Then Heather walks off towards her car. Oz trots off to Stifler and the other lacrosse guys.

STIFLER My man Oz, working it with the choir babes?

LACROSSE BUDDIES (cheering, slapping him) Yeah, go Oz! etc.

Oz laughs, embarrassed.

OZ (pandering to them) Hey, you know, what can I say, I dig those cute little sweaters she wears.

STIFLER I'll bet you do, you little horndog, she's givin' you fuckin' stiffies, right?

Stifler goes into what can only be described as the Spank- Me-And-Fuck-Me-Like-A-Whore-Dance.

STIFLER (CONT'D) Yeah! Sing for me! yes!

The other guys LAUGH. Oz joins in, laughing in spite of himself. They all high-five.

And from the other side of the field, we see Heather peering over at them. Hardly believing it as Oz joins in the laughter.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY

English class. The TEACHER is wrapping up a lecture.

TEACHER So once Hal becomes king, he has to take on the responsibilities of leadership, and turn his back on his old, drunken friend, Falstaff. You see, Hal was going through a rite of passage, much like you all are. Make the most of the time you've got left together. You'll miss it later.

Jim, Kevin, and Oz sit in the back of the classroom in one corner.

OZ So does your tongue cramp up?

KEVIN Nah, you get kind of dizzy though.

JIM Wow, that's amazing, she's probably gonna want to do it soon.

Kevin shrugs as the BELL RINGS. Sherman passes by.

SHERMAN Still questing after the holy grail, eh guys?

He CHUCKLES and exits. The guys stand up, exiting the classroom.

JIM Hey, where's Finch?

KEVIN Went home to shit.

JIM I don't get it. How does a guy like that get this sudden reputation?

OZ What reputation?

KEVIN Observe.

He taps a passing RANDOM CUTE GIRL on the shoulder.

KEVIN (cont'd) Excuse me. Do you know who Paul Finch is?

RANDOM CUTE GIRL Of course! Have you guys seen his tattoo?

KEVIN ...Yes?

RANDOM CUTE GIRL Is it cool? I heard it was like an eagle, blazing in fire and stuff.

JIM (nods, loving it) Actually, it's an eagle and this big python.

RANDOM CUTE GIRL Really?!

JIM Yeah, see it's on his stomach, here, and the eagle -- the eagle is actually grasping the python in its talons, so the snake is like his --

KEVIN (interrupting) That's good, Jim.

RANDOM CUTE GIRL Woah, no way! That guy is so cool!

She hurries off to tell her friends. The guys exit the classroom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR HIGH LOCKERS - CONTINUING

OZ Okay, explain.

KEVIN I can't, I have no idea how he's doing it. And that leaves you trailing, Jim. You gotta get your act together.

JIM (a little aggravated) Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.

Jim turns around -- to find Nadia is standing right in front of him. Jim says nothing. Stuck. Staring. Oz elbows him. Jim gives a startled GRUNT.

NADIA You are very good in the world history class, yes?

JIM (gulps) Me?

Jim looks over to Kevin and Oz, who excitedly give him encouraging looks and gestures.

JIM (CONT'D) (trying to decipher the guys' signals) Yes. No. Yes.

NADIA Perhaps you can help me with my studies?

The guys nod, "Yes! Yes!"

JIM Okay...that would be cool sometime. (sees the guys gesticulating) How 'bout tomorrow?

NADIA Well, I do have ballet practice. Perhaps I can come by your house afterwards. I can change clothes at your place?

JIM (barely, overwhelmed) I suppose that would be okay.

Nadia walks off. Jim collapses into Oz's and Kevin's arms, like a marathon runner at the end of a race. They pat him heartily in congratulations.

EXT. RAST GREAT FALLS - SIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY

After school. Oz is there as Heather pulls up in a new Saab.

OZ Nice car.

HEATHER I'm glad you think so.

OZ You don't like it?

HEATHER No, I like the car. (then, direct) By the way, though, about prom? That was like a bad idea. Sorry I invited you.

She hastily walks towards the school.

OZ What?!

HEATHER Oh, please. I asked you because I thought you might actually be worth going with. But you are just a jock. No wait. You're a jerk.

OZ What? No I'm not.

HEATHER I saw you making fun of me with your lacrosse buddies.

OZ I wasn't making fun of you.

HEATHER Give me a break, you're so full of it.

She hurries up more, breaking off from Oz, and enters the school. After a moment, he slowly heads in.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - LATER

Oz and Heather are singing with the group, at opposite ends of the room. It's a pop, contemporary arrangement of "HOW SWEET IT IS." It sounds jazzy, cool.

Oz looks dazed, like the wind's taken out of him. He sings along, distant. Heather, almost defiantly, sings clearer and better than ever. Oz watches her, though she never looks his way. At the bride of the song, Heather breaks into a solo. She sings beautifully. Oz is hooked.

The Choir Teacher halts the song.

CHOIR TEACHER Okay, Heather, that was good, but I want to thicken up that solo. Michigan State is this Saturday, and I want that part to smoke.

HEATHER I know, my timing's off.

CHOIR TEACHER A little, but I think it'll work better as a duet. With a tenor part.

OZ (interrupting) I'll do it.

A beat as the Choir Teacher is impressed and Heather looks indifferent.

OZ (CONT'D) I'll do it.

CHOIR TEACHER Okay then. The rest of you okay with that?

The rest of the choir agrees, as Heather looks to Oz with skepticism.

CHOIR TEACHER (CONT'D) Great. See you tomorrow.

The group starts packing up.

HEATHER (annoyed) Why are you doing this?

OZ Because I want to.

HEATHER Yeah? Well you can't fake your way through this. You better practice.

She leaves.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - LIBRARY - DAY

Jim, Kevin, Oz, and Stifler.

STIFLER Fuck me! You're gonna have a naked Eastern-European chick in your house, and you're telling me you're not gonna take advantage of that?

JIM What am I gonna do, broadcast her over the internet?

OZ You can do that?

JIM (off their looks) Oh -- no way. I can't do that to her.

STIFLER Dammit, Jim, get some fucking balls. If you don't have the guts to photograph a naked chick in your room, how are you ever gonna sleep with one? Now all you gotta do is set up some sort of private link or whatever on the net, and tell me the address.

The guys ponder this.

KEVIN You can send me the address too.

JIM Well...dammit, if I'm doing this, how the hell am I gonna watch?

KEVIN I'll save you a seat.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim is setting the computer camera on top of the monitor. The computer BINGS.

COMPUTER VOICE "You have established an internet connection."

Jim sits. Types a quick E-mail. It reads: "OH YEAH! 128.220.27.102/tempt/NadiaVision. ENJOY!"

Jim scrolls through his list of E-mail addresses. Highlights a listing. Clicks "Send."

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin and Finch sit in front of a computer. Kevin is unloading beer and chips from a grocery bag.

We see an image of Jim's bedroom on the computer screen. It's a little strobed, but easily watchable. Suddenly Jim's face pops into frame. He's adjusting the camera.

KEVIN There we go.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

We see the same image on Jim's screen. Jim turns off just the monitor. It looks like the computer is off -- the ruse is undetectable.

Jim's dad enters with Nadia. She's in sweats and a leotard, carrying a duffel bag over her shoulder. Jim's dad is delighted, fidgety, almost giddy.

JIM'S DAD Son. This lady's here for you.

JIM (like it's no big deal) I know. Hey Nadia.

NADIA Hello James. Ready to study.

JIM'S DAD Oh, you bet he is. Jim's quite the bookworm.

JIM Dad.

JIM'S DAD Oh, no, not too much of a bookworm. He's a good little kid. Er, guy. Man.

JIM Dad!!

JIM'S DAD Okay, okay. I'll let you hit those books.

Jim's dad gives a knowing look and exits.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

STIFLER'S YOUNGER BROTHER, 11, a monster, is tugging at Stifler, who sits at the computer, watching Jim's room.

STIFLER'S BROTHER Steve! Steve! It's my computer and I wanna use it!

STIFLER Shut up and watch this, you might learn something.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

JIM So you need to change, right?

NADIA Do you mind? This fabric is so uncomfortable.

She sets her duffel on Jim's bed.

JIM No, go right ahead and get dressed. I'll just be downstairs, studying up. Get me when you're ready.

Jim exits, closing the door behind him.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

KEVIN Here we go.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

He's off! Jim sprints down the hall. Thunders down the stairs.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Jim's Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs. Jim bolts through the room.

JIM Be back in a sec!

He practically crashes through the door on his way out.

JIM'S MOM Jim? Honey, where are you going?

She turns and looks at her husband. Both perplexed.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUING

Jim runs like hell.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

Nadia unzips her duffel, pulling some clothes out.

EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Jim trucks across the lawn to the door.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin and Finch are watching the computer screen.

KEVIN Want a beer?

Finch simply waves off the question. He's glued to the screen.

Jim bursts into the room, breathless.

JIM Did I miss anything?!

KEVIN Just in time.

Jim grabs a seat by the computer. All three guys watch, transfixed. Nadia is slipping out of her leotard.

JIM Woah!

Nadia's leotard is off. Bra and panties. Outstanding body.

INTERCUT BETWEEN JIM'S BEDROOM and the guys around the computer screen in Kevin's Bedroom.

Nadia pauses. Looks in Jim's full-length mirror. Admiring her body.

KEVIN Oh, man! This is incredible.

And...yes! Nadia peels off her sportsbra. Supple breasts. The guys are awestruck.

KEVIN (CONT'D) I can't believe Oz had to work.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY

Oz sits alone in the empty vocal jazz rehearsal area. He sighs, leafing through some sheet music. It's as quiet and boring as can be.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

Stifler and his brother are awestruck.

STIFLER'S BROTHER This is like the coolest thing I've ever seen.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

JIM Oh, thank you Lord, for this wonderful day.

Nadia still primps in the mirror. Then she looks around. Very carefully, she pokes through the stuff on Jim's night table.

JIM (cont'd) Hey! You can't touch my stuff!

Nadia opens the night table. Stops. Jim flushes. Nadia delicately reaches into the night table as Jim crumbles.

JIM (cont'd) Oh no no no.

She pulls out the stack of porno magazines.

KEVIN Nice collection there, Jim.

Nadia takes a PENTHOUSE. Starts thumbing through it. She sits on Jim's bed. Lingering on some pages. Getting aroused.

JIM Dear God -- she's -- she's -- she's --

Welcome to every man's fantasy. Nadia's hand wanders into her panties.

JIM (cont'd) Gentlemen, I'd like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.

The guys watch, completely blown away. Nadia's lost herself.

KEVIN You know, Jim...you could go back there...and...

FINCH (nodding) Seduce her.

JIM But, but -- what would I do?

KEVIN Anything! Just tell her it looks like she needs an extra hand or something.

JIM That's stupid.

KEVIN No, you're stupid. Get going! Right now! She's primed!

JIM Oh...oh...oh, shit!

He BOLTS across the room.

EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - DAY

Jim sprints across the lawn.

EXT. STREET - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim leaps over a row of bushes. Wipes out. Gets up and keeps running.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim crashes into the house and runs past his bewildered parents.

JIM Hey mom hey dad!

He rushes up the stairs. Jim's Dad looks hopeful.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

Jim stops outside his door, catching his breath. He can hear FAINT MOANING from inside. He's hesitating.

JIM Oh boy oh God oh crap oh no.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

KEVIN Come on, Jim. Where are you?

The PHONE RINGS. Kevin answers.

KEVIN (cont'd) (into phone) Hello? Hey Sherman...what?! How did you know?

INT. SHERMAN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Sherman sits in front of a computer.

SHERMAN (into phone) Jim must've addressed that E-mail wrong. It went out to every mailbox in the East High directory. God, how juvenile.

INT. COMPUTER NERD'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

A COMPUTER NERD, 14, is at his computer. Watching NadiaVision. Mouth open. Braces shining.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

A GROUP OF STONERS log onto the page. A LITTLE MONKEY hops around in a cage.

STONER #1 Whoa.

STONER #2 Kind.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

Jim still waits outside his bedroom door. Takes a deep breath. Looks upwards to the sky.

JIM Please, God. Let this be it.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN He's going in!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY

We see a bedroom full of GUYS.

GUY #1 There's somebody going in there!

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

STONER #1 Hey, that guy's in my trig class.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim stands there, bewildered. Nadia hasn't noticed him, eyes closed, still pleasuring herself. Jim stands there, watching, faltering. Gathers his courage. Finally, he rolls his eyes and says --

JIM Looks like you could use an extra hand.

Nadia's eyes flash open.

NADIA (chastising) James! You have come in here on purpose?!

JIM Well...uh...

NADIA Shame on you!

JIM Uh...yeah...sorry.

NADIA Well. You have seen me. Now it is my turn to see you. Strip.

JIM Strip?

NADIA Yes, slowly.

Jim sneaks a nervous glance over to the QuickCam.

JIM You mean like, strip strip?

NADIA (irresistably sexy) For me?

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

FINCH What do you suppose they're saying?

KEVIN No idea.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Nadia leans over to Jim's clock radio. Turns it on. We hear COUNTRY MUSIC. She flips the dial, and we hear A FEW STATIONS FLIP BY. Then a DRIVING, EURO-TECHNO SONG.

NADIA Perfect.

She turns to Jim.

JIM Uh...

NADIA Move with the music.

JIM Um...okay...

He struts clumsily back and forth. Takes his shirt off. Swings it in a circle around his head...and lets go of it, aiming for the QuickCam, where it lands.

NADIA No, no, you must put your whole body into it.

JIM Nadia, I can't --

NADIA Can't what? Do you not want to be with me? I wish to be entertained, James.

Jim nods eagerly. Concentrates on the music...as we see the shirt slide off the camera. Jim starts writhing to the beat. Like a hyperactive chicken.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

STIFLER What the fuck is this?

INT. SHERMAN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

SHERMAN The horror, the horror.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim is into it now. Possibly the worst dancer in the world. No rhythm. No soul.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

STONER #2 God, what a buzzkill.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

A GROUP OF GIRLS watches in amusement.

GIRL IN BEDROOM Work it, baby!

The LAUGH and dance mockingly along with Jim.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim tugs off his pants, dancing and tripping on them.

NADIA (turned on) More sexy, Jim, more sexy.

Jim is clearly excited by Nadia's prodding. He does some pathetically ridiculous move with his pants, sliding them around his chest and neck.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

A GROUP OF GIRLS is watching.

DISINTERESTED GIRL He's no Paul Finch.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

Kevin and Finch are now completely sickened.

FINCH This is truly revolting.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim is straddled over a chair, grinding against the chair back, in his boxers and shorts.

NADIA (getting really turned on) More, more, you bad boy!

Jim starts spanking his ass as he gyrates.

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

The guys are all trying not to watch, yet still drawn to the computer.

GUY #1 Ugh...God...

INT. JIM'S COMPUTER - DAY - CONTINUING

NADIA Now! Hames, come to me.

JIM Oh yeah!

Jim dances over to her. She pulls him onto the bed. Kisses his neck. Takes his hand. Places it on her thigh.

NADIA Be gentle.

Jim GULPS.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN Ho-lee shit.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

STIFLER This just got a hell of a lot better.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim's hand wanders up Nadia's leg. She does the same to him. Blows in his ear. Her hand is about to enter his shorts.

And Jim is done. Bang. That's it.

He looks down at himself in terror. Nadia sees. Backs away.

NADIA Jim...

JIM Oh no.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN Oh no.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

The stoners look...well, stoned.

STONER #1 Bummer.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

The girls are LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY

STIFLER'S BROTHER What happened?! What happened?!

STIFLER He blew it. Literally.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Nadia is getting dressed.

NADIA You are done, James. Perhaps I should be going now.

JIM No, no, I'm not done! I've got reserves! Nadia, please please please. I'm begging you.

She sees the desperation in his eyes. Thinks about it. Smiles.

NADIA I do like your dirty magazines.

Jim digs into the stack of pornos. Grabs SHAVED.

JIM Did you see this? This is your more exotic dirty magazine.

NADIA Yes...James, it is knowing that these beautiful women arouse you that arouses me...

JIM Oh yes. Very arousing women. They arouse me very much. But not as arousing as you.

She goes for this line. Gives in.

NADIA Oh Jim...

She grabs him. Starts caressing his body.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN/FINCH Yes!!

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

STONER #1 Alright, dude!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY

GUY #1 He's re-engaging!

A CHEER goes up as the guys CELEBRATE.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Groping. They're tangled in each other. Nadia backs off for a moment. Slowly, teasing, she hooks her thumbs in the sides of her panties. Starts sliding them down.

NADIA So, "shaved" is the expression?

CLOSE UP on Jim as his eyes bug out. Yep, it is, and she is.

JIM (mutters) Holy shit.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN Holy shit!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY

ALL THE GUYS (unison) HOLY SHIT!

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim is stuck. Staring at Nadia. She moves towards him. Nadia is inches from his face.

NADIA Touch me Jim...here.

Jim is trembling, straining with himself. A shudder runs through him.

And it's over, again.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

The girls are LAUGHING again.

GIRLS Again?

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN Not again.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

JIM No, not again.

NADIA (sighs) I am sorry, Jim. I suppose we will not be doing any studying now.

JIM No! I've got...reserve reserves!

Nadia starts getting dressed. Jim is whimpering.

NADIA It is too bad. I was at first hoping you would ask me to the prom. But...

She gathers her things. Eyes Jim over.

NADIA (cont'd) You should change your shorts.

JIM ...okay.

Jim is stunned. Ruined. Nadia exits. CLOSE on Jim's tormented face as we hear...

COMPUTER VOICE "You have lost your internet connection. Click 'okay' to reconnect."

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Jim is walking through the courtyard, a bit dazed. A COUPLE GIRLS pass by him, giggling. He trudges along...noticing a CLIQUE OF GIRLS staring at him as he passes by...and Stoner #1 giving him a peace sign...and the Computer Nerd staring at him like a celebrity...... Jim's pace slows. He hears a SNICKER behind him...he slows even more, taking very careful steps...as he sees a GIRL doing a really strange dance -- and his eyes pop out as he sees that, yes, it's his dance. He stops. ALMOST EVERYONE is staring at him. Jim pulls his coat up over his face and hurries off into the school, like a fugitive avoiding the media. People APPLAUD and LAUGH.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY

Kevin and Oz catch up to Jim. Here and there, people still give Jim funny looks.

KEVIN Hey, minuteman.

JIM Shut up. You're supposed to be supportive.

OZ You've still got a chance with Nadia, right?

JIM No. Her sponsors here saw the thing on the net. I don't think they liked it.

KEVIN How do you know that?

JIM She's already on a plane back home.

Kevin winces.

JIM (cont'd) You know, maybe I'm just not good with girls, period. Like I was born without that part of the brain. I mean, I can't talk to girls. And when I do talk to them, I screw it up.

KEVIN Yeah? Well come prom night, those excuses aren't going to do you much good.

JIM Jesus, Kevin, rub it in.

A nearby OLD JANITOR starts GUFFAWING at Jim as he walks by.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY

Jim sits, waiting for class to start. Miserable. Some students are obviously talking about him in the background. Others study and chat.

Next to Jim is Michelle -- the reject, band dork that we've seen earlier. She's got a flute case on her desk. She's blabbering to Jim. The kind of blabbering where every other sentence sounds like a question, even though it isn't.

MICHELLE And so, one time? I was at band camp? And we weren't supposed to have pillow fights? But we had a pillow fight! And it was so much fun!

Jim couldn't care.

MICHELLE (cont'd) And one time, we all lost our music? And we were supposed to play this song? But we didn't know it. So we just made it up! And we kept playing and playing but the conductor didn't know what we were doing and it was so funny!

Jim looks wistfully over at Nadia's empty desk.

MICHELLE (cont'd) So you're pissed about something, huh? You know what I do when I'm angry? I just play some Bach on my flute. It's so relaxing. I learned to do that at band camp.

Jim perks up the slightest bit.

JIM Hold on. You have no idea why I'm angry?

MICHELLE Is it because we have a test tomorrow? Sometimes I get cranky when I know I have a big test to study for.

JIM Yeah, that's pretty much it.

MICHELLE I thought so. Because, one time? I was at this --

JIM (interrupting) What was your name again?

MICHELLE Michelle.

JIM Okay. Michelle, do you want to be my date for the prom?

MICHELLE Really? You seriously want to go with me?

JIM (so forced) Yes. Seriously.

MICHELLE Are we going to Steve Stifler's party afterwards? That would be so cool.

JIM Whatever you want.

MICHELLE Cool! We're gonna have so much fun! It's like this one time, at band camp...

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - HALLWAY - A LITTLE LATER

Heather is walking down the hall. She turns to go into the Little Auditorium -- and through the window in the door she sees Oz. She stops.

Oz is singing, working through the solo. Determined to get it right. He bounces his lacrosse ball off the floor, in rhythm, keeping time. There's one point that he keeps getting stuck at and going back over. Heather watches this, softening as she sees that Oz is actually putting his heart into it. Finally he's frustrated --

OZ Dammit!

He whips the lacrosse ball at the wall. Heather recoils, still watching, unseen by Oz. After a moment, Oz cools off. He gets the ball, and diligently starts up again. Heather is impressed.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky is doing calculus homework, as Kevin looks on, rubbing her shoulders.

KEVIN You're not doing the extra credit problems.

VICKY No, I'm not. I'm writing a sequence of random numbers that look like I'm doing the extra credit problems. Mr. Bender doesn't bother to check homework past April.

KEVIN That's my trick!

VICKY It's everyone's trick, Kevin. (she turns to him) But I did pick it up from you.

She gives him a little kiss on his hand, continuing with her work. Kevin keeps rubbing her back, more serious.

KEVIN We've come a long way since Homecoming.

VICKY (playful) Yeah, we have. You corrupted my four- point into a three-nine-five.

KEVIN Indeed I did. But, our relationship. It's progressed a lot. It's time for us to...express ourselves in new ways.

Vicky stops working and turns, sitting up on the desk, facing him. Her mood has shifted, more romantic.

VICKY Like how?

KEVIN Well, I feel that...things are getting to that point in a relationship. When two people share...a special moment between them.

VICKY I think you're so right, Kevin.

KEVIN (pause) You want to do it?

VICKY Yes --

She takes his hand. Readies herself, and declares.

VICKY (CONT'D) I love you.

Kevin falters. This is definitely not what he was expecting. He's caught. Trying to formulate a response.

VICKY (CONT'D) Kevin? Do you not love me?

KEVIN No, I don't not love you. I like, I know that we've definitely got something between us. Something good. Something special.

VICKY But you don't love me.

KEVIN I didn't say that. I mean, love, it's like a term that gets thrown around. People say things, they get married, have kids, and then what? It's like they call it off, going "I was wrong."

A beat. Vicky seems to know where he's coming from.

VICKY Kevin...you're not your dad. The two of us, we're not your parents.

KEVIN I know, Vick. I'm just not ready yet, okay?

VICKY Okay.

INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT

Oz is closing up the store. He looks up to see Heather at the door. Oz goes and opens it, surprised, embarrassed. The air is awkward between them.

HEATHER Hi...

OZ How did you know I was here?

HEATHER Stifler told me.

OZ You talked to Stifler?

HEATHER Well...I needed to find you. We are gonna have to practice that song.

OZ ...okay. Cool then. I'm um, I'm glad you came by. I mean, really.

She smiles. Oz lets her in.

HEATHER So you like, work nights?

An uncomfortable moment for Oz.

OZ Uh...my dad's the manager.

HEATHER Really? Cool. Tell him his subs are great.

OZ Ah, he's always too heavy on the vinegar. If you really want a good one, you gotta let me make it.

INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER

Oz is behind the counter. Heather walks down the other side as Oz assembles a sub.

OZ My dad's always here running the store, busy and stuff...and I fill in once a week so he can get a night off.

HEATHER (pause) That's nice.

OZ (shrugs) So you're going to Michigan?

HEATHER Yeah, well my parents wanted me to go to Northwestern. I didn't want to write all those extra essays they make you do -- I mean, how am I supposed to know what my "most emotionally significant moment" was? So when my U of M acceptance came in December, I said the hell with it.

OZ Onions?

HEATHER What?

OZ You want onions?

HEATHER Oh, yeah. So what're you gonna major in?

OZ Well, State's got a good business school. And I can probably walk onto the lacrosse team. Green peppers?

HEATHER Yeah. So wow, you've got it figured out.

OZ (dismissive) Well, I mean, business is okay, and lacrosse is awesome, but what am I gonna be, a pro lacrosse player? I really have no idea.

HEATHER Oh thank God, I thought I was the only one.

OZ Well, you're not. Oil and vinegar?

HEATHER Yeah. You know, people are always like, "What're you gonna major in?" And I don't know. And they're like, "You'll figure it out." Yeah? When?

OZ I know. Salt and pepper?

HEATHER Sure.

Oz cuts the sub in half with a flourish and puts it on a tray.

HEATHER (CONT'D) So we're gonna be close next year?

OZ You -- oh, you mean -- yeah, East Lansing and Ann Arbor.

HEATHER (smiles) ...yeah.

A beat...a little uncomfortable, but nice.

OZ Wanna swap your chips for cookies?

EXT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - LATER

The remains of a couple subs are on a table. Oz and Heather are doing their song...it's rough, but they're working through it. And when they're in sync, they sound really good together. We SLOWLY PULL BACK as they sing into the night.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MURAL STAIRCASE - DAY

A GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH talks to Stifler.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH I'm sorry, I really can't go with you...I'm holding out for someone else.

STIFLER You gotta be fucking kidding.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH I know it's a long shot, but I figure Paul Finch might ask me.

STIFLER FINCH? SHITBREAK?!!

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH Oh gosh, I forgot -- you uh, you look okay...I mean you can't even tell...

Flustered, she heads down the stairs. Stifler, entirely confused, heads off into the second floor. As the Girl Holding Out For Finch descends, Kevin catches up with her.

KEVIN Hey...what was that all about?

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH He's still embarrassed because Finch kicked his ass. Knocked out a tooth, but you can't see it.

KEVIN Right, and who told you that?

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Kevin is talking to GRETA. She points offscreen.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin is talking to SOME CHICK. Taking notes.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - OUTDOOR MURAL - DAY

Kevin is talking to YET ANOTHER GIRL. We see that his notepad is a spiderweb of girl's names, all interlinked with arrows. They all point to one girl's name in the center of the page -- Jessica.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Kevin follows Jessica down the cafeteria line.

JESSICA No comment.

KEVIN No comment?! Are you kidding me?! I've never seen someone's image change so...so drastically!

JESSICA Thanks. It was my idea.

KEVIN Did you guys hook up or something?

JESSICA Are you kidding? No.

KEVIN Then what the hell are you talking about?

JESSICA Well...I guess it's okay for me to tell you now. That reputation of his isn't going anywhere. (then) Finch comes to me and says, "Jessica, I need help with this, blah blah, etcetera." So I told him, pay me two- hundred bucks, and I'll tell a couple girls that you're dynamite in bed. So he did, and I did.

KEVIN I don't get it, that really works?

JESSICA Duh. Of course. Naturally, I embellished a little bit. Hey, did you hear that Finch had sex with an older woman?

Kevin is speechless.

JESSICA (CONT'D) No? Damn, that one was my favorite.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GUY'S SHOWERS/LOCKER ROOM - DAY

Toweled guys exit the steamy showers, doing a macho GREAT FALLS LACROSSE CHANT. They exit frame, and we remain on the showers, to hear --

OZ (singing happily) ...I needed the shelter of someone's arms...there you were -- woo-hoo- hoo...

He exits in a towel and goes to his locker, next to Stifler.

OZ (CONT'D) (still singing) ...I needed someone to understand my ups and my downs, oh baby there you were...

Stifler is staring at Oz, horrified.

STIFLER Oh my fucking God. You're gay.

OZ (cheery) Come on, you know the words, sing along.

STIFLER No thanks, you've been singing that shit all week. If you try that at MSU this Saturday, I'm pretending I don't know you.

Oz stops.

OZ Our last game is this Saturday.

STIFLER No shit.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD, A BENCH - LATER

Heather is studying outside. Oz stands before her, breathless, his hair still wet.

OZ ...I've got this lacrosse game. It's really important, it's our last game. And you know, Central almost beat us last time, so I really want to kick their ass, and it's like cool because we're gonna get to play at State, which means that after the game I might be able to stop by...

HEATHER (pause) You can't sing at the competition.

OZ I'm sorry, I totally spaced. I just...I didn't realize it...

HEATHER (upset but trying to be cool) ...it's okay, you should do whatever makes you happy.

OZ Alright...yeah...thanks for understanding. (a beat) So I guess...I'll see you later.

An uncomfortable moment. Oz walks off. Heather looks let down.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - ENTRANCE TO SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin is at his locker, getting ready for class. Stifler comes running up with a wicked grin on his face.

STIFLER Kevin! You seen Shitbreak lately?

KEVIN (immediately sensing danger) Oh no, Stifler, what did you do?

STIFLER Me? Nothing. I'm the one whose ass he kicked. (off Kevin's look) I'll tell you one thing, though. I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore.

Stifler pulls out an empty bottle of PRESCRIPTION LAXATIVE, maniacally LAUGHING.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch is sitting at a table, reading his paper. Kevin comes tearing around the corner and runs up to him.

KEVIN Finch! Get to the bathroom! Now!

FINCH Easy, tiger. What's in there?

KEVIN Just go!

FINCH Why is this?

KEVIN You're gonna shit your pants!

FINCH Charming.

KEVIN Finch, listen -- Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your Mocash-chino or whatever. It's fast acting. I mean really fast.

FINCH First of all, it's Mochaccino, and secondly...Oohhhh!

Finch jumps up and sprints down the hallway.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - CONTINUING

We FOLLOW with Finch. We see Stifler down the hall, holding open the bathroom door like a pleasant doorman.

STIFLER This way, sit.

Finch darts into the bathroom. Stifler LAUGHS hysterically.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

Finch leaps into a stall and slams the door behind him.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch has stopped. He's staring down at the toilet. It looks entirely uninviting. But he's straining, struggling, starting to dance around, moaning as he cramps up.

He grabs a length of toilet paper and lines the seat with it. Then another, and another. Sweat drips off his forehead.

FINCH Come on come on come on...

He's got the seat lined with at least three layers of toilet paper. Notices a spot where there's still bare toilet seat. He tears off one square of toilet paper, placing it on the spot. He steps back and looks it over, still wriggling to contain his bowels.

FINCH (CONT'D) Okay. You can do this.

He unbuckles his pants. Sits down -- just as we hear someone enter the bathroom. Finch, still restraining, listens for a moment...only to hear the CLICK-CLICK-CLICK of heels.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY

The bathroom door swings closed to reveal the universal symbol for "Women." Stifler is there, LAUGHING even harder.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch is terrified. Through the crack between the stall door and the frame, Finch catches glimpses of bright colored skirts and dresses. He grits his teeth, straining.

And a GURGLE comes from Finch's stomach. His eyes bulge.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

A GROUP OF GIRLS is at the mirror, including the Girl Holding Out for Finch, fixing their hair.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH You know it's just gonna be some crappy band and stupid decorations.

GIRL #2 You're just saying that cause prom's a week away and you don't have a date.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH No, I don't want a date... (increasingly dreamy) Finch is going stag...and so am I...the guy is like so...debonair.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch is in hell. Desperately trying not to shit. Holding it in for all he's worth.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

GIRL #2 Do you think that "older woman" thing is true?

GIRL #3 Of course, it was Stifler's mom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Pure agony. Finch is sweating badly. Every muscle in his body is tensed. Tears stream from his fiercely shut eyes.

A gastric RUMBLING. Finch's eyes flash open in terror.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

We hear another, deeper RUMBLING. Girl #2 turns to her friend in surprise.

GIRL #2 Joanie, was that you?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch is struggling. Rocking back and forth. But it's no use. He's at his limit.

FINCH Aaaaaaarrrgghhhh!

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

The girls at the mirror freeze -- and we hear what can only be the SOUND OF DIARRHEA exploding into a toilet bowl.

The girls run out SCREAMING and LAUGHING.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY - MOMENTS LATER

Finch exits the stall with trepidation, pulling up his pants. Slowly, slinking, he approaches the door. Grabs the handle. Composes himself. And like nothing ever happened, he opens it.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY

Finch comes out of the bathroom. Stops. His eyes register complete disbelief.

A SEMI-CIRCLE OF GIRLS, including the ones we have seen gossiping about him, has crowded around the door. All staring at him with complete repugnance, open-mouthed.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY

Oz is playing in the final lacrosse game. The team scores -- they're beating Central. Everyone cheers, except Oz. We see Jim and Kevin in the stands, CHEERING.

EXT. MUSIC HALL (MSU) - DAY

Establishing. The campus of Michigan State University. Students pass in front of an older, impressive university building.

A sign out front reads, "MICHIGAN STATEWIDE VOCAL COMPETITION."

INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) - DAY

Heather and the rest of the vocal jazz group are behind the curtain.

They all wear flashy, borderline cool outfits. Heather looks worried, lost. Looking to the door, as if Oz might come running in.

VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER Okay. Albert, you ready?

ALBERT steps next to Heather. He's kind of funny- looking, with an overly-suave attitude that comes off as plain weird.

ALBERT No problemo.

He SINGS a couple lines. Way too melodramatic and cheesy. Heather looks trapped.

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY

A scoreboard shows that East is leading by five goals. Oz is running up the field, towards the goal, cradling the ball in his stick. He seems to have a good lead. Suddenly he is tumbling, falling, losing the ball. Someone has checked him. He lays stunned on the ground, as Stifler recovers the ball and scores.

The players run back to the sidelines to reset for the face-off, and gather around the coach.

COACH MARSHALL Alright! Good hustle, guys, but we can still lose. You all saw what happened to Oz out there. I don't ever want to see you guys thinking you're gonna score. You don't score until you score, period.

The team is getting into it. Shouts of "Hell yeah!" But Oz's got a quizzical look on his face.

INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) - DAY

Heather waits with the group to go onstage. Albert paces like a Shakespearean actor, psyching himself.

ALBERT Focus on the music. Think melody. Let the music be my guide.

HEATHER That would be a start.

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY

Oz shows some emotion peeking through. Confused.

COACH MARSHALL It all boils down to today. For you seniors, this marks the culmination of your past four years. Think of what that means to you. Are you guys gonna look back on your days at East and know that you made the most of the time you had?

A wave of realization washes over Oz. He stands up tall.

COACH MARSHALL (cont'd) Now that's the attitude, Ostreicher!

Oz collects himself. Takes a deep breath.

OZ Good luck, guys.

he sets his lacrosse stick down and starts to leave.

COACH MARSHALL Christ! I didn't say you were out of the game!

OZ Sorry, coach.

COACH MARSHALL What the fuck is this? You got someplace more important to be?

Coach Marshall is fuming. The entire team is staring at Oz.

OZ Yeah.

He runs off.

ANGLE ON JIM AND KEVIN IN THE STANDS

A beat of confusion. Then they stand up.

EXT. MSU CAMPUS - DAY

Oz runs through a gate.

INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

The vocal jazz group is on their feet, lined up, waiting to go onstage. Oz bursts into the room, still in his lacrosse gear.

VOCAL JAZZ GUYS Oz -- You're back -- Yeah --

ALBERT -- Oh, great.

Oz rushes up to Heather. She's happy but confused.

HEATHER What about the game?!

OZ I'm not playing.

HEATHER You're missing the game for us?!

OZ No. I'm missing the game for you.

Heather melts. Oz pulls her close. And they kiss.

VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER Okay, okay. You guys got about a minute to go. Spend it warming up, not making out. This ain't the prom yet.

Oz and Heather share a smile.

INT. MUSIC HALL STAGE - DAY

The vocal jazz group is belting their hearts out, singing "How Sweet It Is." Oz sings with them now in his vocal jazz outfit...we TILT DOWN to see he's still wearing his cleats. He and Heather sound great, backed by the vocal jazz group. They sail through their duet, join hands, and finish perfectly. The audience APPLAUDS with enthusiasm -- and we Kevin and Jim, WHOOPING AND CLAPPING, loving it, like they're at a rock concert.

JIM Yeeeeeeeaaaawwwwww!

KEVIN (gives that "You rock!" hand sign) You fuckin' rule!

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - CLASSROOM - DAY

Class has just ended, students are filing out of the classroom. A teacher grades papers in the back of the room, routinely writing "A, A-, A, A-" on each paper. Vicky is studying a pull-down map hanging over the chalkboard. Kevin comes up next to her.

KEVIN Hey...

VICKY Did you know that it's...450 miles from Ann Arbor to Nashville?

KEVIN It's like a six or seven hour drive. That's easy, I don't mind driving.

A beat. Kevin looks back over his shoulder to the inattentive teacher. Moves closer to Vicky.

KEVIN (CONT'D) About the other day...I've been thinking.

VICKY So have I. And I know you want to make things perfect for me. And I understand that you really wouldn't tell me that until you were 100% comfortable with it.

Vicky looks over to the teacher, who COUGHS. She steps closer. Kevin, somewhat nervous, takes the bottom of the map, fidgeting with it a little.

VICKY (CONT'D) And I want to make things perfect for you. You're right, Kev, we do have something good...and special.

KEVIN Yeah, we have something great, Vick.

VICKY Kevin... (very close, whispered) I want to have sex with you.

The map goes FLAPPING upwards. The teacher looks up.

KEVIN (almost frightened) Now?!

VICKY No...I know the perfect time...

She looks to the calendar on the wall...and taps next Saturday -- "Prom." Kevin can't believe it...MUSIC UP for PRE-PROM MONTAGE --

INT. TUXEDO LAND - DAY

Jim is trying on a tux. he shrugs, like it fits well enough.

He turns to see Oz trying on his -- Oz is fidgeting, trying on different ties, vests, shoes, very sincere and focused.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky is trying on a rather elegant dress, looking to Jessica for support, showing it off. Jessica jokingly does the same, showing off her shorts and T-shirt, as if she could care.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Finch sits alone. Not like alone. More like Forrest Gump.

INT. TUXEDO LAND - DAY

Jim is paying for his tux. We see Oz trying to decide on a cumberbund. There are about ten of them scattered around him that he's already tried. In the background, an ATTENDANT looks impatient.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Finch still sits. His head is cocked at a different angle.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jim's dad fixes Jim's bow tie.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (END MONTAGE)

Kevin is in his tux. He's staring at himself in the mirror.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT

The parking lot is full. VARIOUS FORMALLY DRESSED STUDENTS make their way into the school. One group piles out of a stretch limo. We see a STEALTHY STUDENT slip a bottle of liquor into his tux. A FLUSTERED GUY struggles to re-attach his date's corsage.

This is the prom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GYM - NIGHT

The gym is decorated in a clashingly festive manner. Like a combination of Mardi Gras, New Year's Eve, and somebody's bar mitzvah. A CRAPPY BAND plays CRAPPY IMITATION ROCK MUSIC.

Most students mill about, talking, generally bored. The only people who are enjoying themselves are the OBVIOUSLY DRUNK STUDENTS, slam-dancing with the obviously drunk Stifler in a corner. CHAPERONE PARENTS try to calm them down, futilely.

The band breaks into a CHEESY BALLAD. Couples lock together and sway back and forth like zombies.

ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE

They're dancing at arm's length. Jim is not enthused.

MICHELLE You know, at band camp? We have dances like this. Only they're way funner. Don't you think prom is just highly overrated?

JIM Highly, highly overrated.

ANGLE ON KEVIN AND VICKY

They dance. Both looking a little nervous. Anxious.

ANGLE ON OZ AND HEATHER

Dancing much slower than anyone else. Tight embrace. Heather's got her head on his shoulder, eyes closed.

ANGLE ON STIFLER

Dancing with the Girl Holding out For Finch.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - A CORNER OF THE GYM - NIGHT

Kevin, Oz, Jim, and Finch are hanging out. Finch is drunk.

FINCH Okay. I'm here for your dumb...dumb meeting.

Sherman passes by.

SHERMAN I'm on the offensive, boys. The Sherman Tank is going back in.

The guys are impassive. Sherman indicates the Central Girl nearby.

SHERMAN (CONT'D) Locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar. Ready to drop the payload...again.

Sherman confidently walks off.

KEVIN Alright, how do you guys stand? Well, Finch, I know where you are, but you can't use that as an excuse. Jim?

JIM My date's a flute-toting band dork. That answer your question?

KEVIN Oz, how about you and Heather? Now you guys are a couple or something?

OZ (getting ticked) Dammit, Kevin, what's with the attitude?

KEVIN Attitude? Me? I think that you guys should be more enthusiastic. Shit, we've been trying to get laid forever, and tonight's the night we've been waiting for. We're in this together. Don't back out on me now!

JIM Back out? You don't need us to get laid. You afraid or something?

KEVIN No, but come on guys, we made a pact!

OZ Kevin, it was just a --

KEVIN It was a pact. You break it and there are no excuses. You guys have to --

JIM (interrupting, pissed) I don't have to do shit! Forget it already!

Kevin is taken aback.

JIM (cont'd) I'm tired of all this bullshit pressure! I mean, I've never even had sex and already I can't stand it! I hate sex! I don't want it, I've never wanted it, and I'm not gonna sit here busting my balls over something that just isn't that damn important! So fuck this stupid pact, fuck you, and fuck sex! Now, I'm gonna go hang out with that geek over there, 'cause at least she's got something else to talk about besides sex! God damn!

Kevin storms off. A beat.

FINCH At least I learned how to shit in school.

Jessica approaches. She's dressed well, but not lavishly.

JESSICA Hey, Finch. Wanna dance?

Finch looks to the guys. They shrug. We FOLLOW WITH Jessica and Finch as they dance out onto the floor.

FINCH How come you have no date?

JESSICA I like to keep my options open. And let me just clarify that you have no chance of scoring with me, Finch.

FINCH No, of course not, don't be ridiculous.

ANGLE ON VICKY AND CENTRAL GIRL

VICKY So, I guess you and Sherman are pretty close. You met at that party a while back?

CENTRAL GIRL Yeah, we were up the whole night together. We had one of those amazingly deep conversations, where you really feel like you get to know someone.

VICKY (nudge, nudge) "Deep conversation," huh? Is that what you guys call it?

CENTRAL GIRL What else would I call it?

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT

Kevin sits on the steps into the school, depressed.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GYM - NIGHT

The Central Girl has taken over the band's microphone.

CENTRAL GIRL Excuse me, everyone, sorry to interrupt.

Her voice reverberates throughout the gym. A couple WOLF- WHISTLES.

CENTRAL GIRL (cont'd) I just wanted to let you all know this: Chuck Sherman is a liar. I never had sex with him. He's never had sex with anyone -- I know because he told me. Once, he tried to screw a grapefruit, but that's it. Oh, and he also told me that sometimes when he gets nervous he wets his pants. Thank you for your attention.

Girls around the gym CHEER and APPLAUD.

ANGLE ON SHERMAN

Pissing his pants.

ANGLE ON JIM

Shocked. He looks back to Oz, who shares his expression.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT

Kevin still sits there. Jim, Oz, and Finch come out of the school. Slowly they walk up to Kevin.

OZ ...Guess what?

KEVIN I don't care.

JIM Kevin, come on, the bus to Stifler's is gonna be here soon.

KEVIN I'm not going.

A beat as the guys don't know what to say. Kevin's speech is halting, downbeat.

KEVIN (CONT'D) This isn't how I wanted things to turn out. Making the pact wasn't just about getting laid. It was about doing one last thing with you guys before we graduated. But now I've just wasted my last few weeks here trying to do what? I don't even know. All I managed to do was fuck up our friendship.

A beat. Oz shrugs.

OZ I still think you're okay.

JIM So do I, Kev.

FINCH Me too. For the most part.

KEVIN Nah. Fuck, you guys are right, I don't know what I'm doing. I mean I'm acting like I've got it all together tonight. But I know Vicky is gonna ask me if I love her. And I don't know what I'm gonna say. So now it's like, maybe I'll just wimp out on the whole thing.

JIM Come on man. Tonight is the night. We're finally going to a post-prom party on the lake. We've been waiting to do this for the last four years. Why else are we still friends with Stifler? You gotta go.

A beat as Kevin ponders this.

OZ And by the way, Sherman didn't even get laid.

KEVIN He didn't?

FINCH Nope. He pissed himself.

The guys LAUGH as Kevin is puzzled. THEY are suddenly illuminated by the glare of headlights. A charter bus pulls in front of the school.

JIM There it is. I want to grab my bag. Oh, and my date.

OZ Come on, Kevin. Vicky's looking for you.

Jim holds out a helping hand. Kevin looks at it. Grabs it, and Jim pulls him up.

EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

A beautiful cottage on the shore of Lake Michigan. Students are filing out of the charter bus.

Jim and Michelle are walking up to the cottage.

JIM Stifler's mom got it in the divorce.

MICHELLE It reminds me of this one time -- (changing thoughts) Hey, can I ask you a question? How come you don't have any stories? I've got lots of stories, and you don't have any.

JIM Oh, I've got stories, believe me. They're a little more risque than tales of Band Camp.

MICHELLE Are they gross or something, like guy stuff? Tell me.

JIM Okay. You want a story? Here's a story. Stifler finds this beer, right? And...

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM

Kevin leads Vicky into the bedroom. A large bay window overlooks moonlit Lake Michigan.

KEVIN See -- this is the nicest room.

VICKY Wow, Kev...it's perfect.

Vicky opens a closet -- to find Stifler's Little Brother inside, grinning.

STIFLER'S BROTHER You guys are gonna fuck, aren't you!?

KEVIN No! Get out of here!

STIFLER'S BROTHER (running out of the room) Fuckers fuckers fuckers fuckers!

Stiflers brother is gone. They LAUGH...and Vicky closes the door.

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz and Heather are walking down the beach. Holding hands. Deep in the background, we see kids partying.

OZ There's something I've been meaning to tell you, Heather.

HEATHER What's that?

OZ It's gonna sound really bad, but I want you to know.

She nods. They stop walking. Oz swipes his feet around in the sand.

OZ (cont'd) See, uh, I'm a virgin. And me, Kevin, Jim, and Finch, we all made this pact. That we would...lose our virginity... before high school was over.

Heather is listening.

OZ (cont'd) And, see, tonight is supposed to be the night we all do it.

HEATHER This isn't the best way to proposition me.

OZ No, that's not what I mean. I mean -- look. You know what made me leave that game? Coach was giving this speech, about not slacking off when you see the opportunity to score.

HEATHER This isn't any better, Chris.

OZ No, see Heather, what I realized is that...with you, it's not like I'm running towards the goal, trying to figure out the best way to score. And this may sound corny, but --

He takes her hand.

OZ (cont'd) I feel like I've already won.

Heather softens, taken off guard.

OZ (cont'd) And, well, I really care about you. A lot. And I want you to know that.

HEATHER Oz, it's okay, I know.

OZ You called me Oz.

HEATHER Well, that's what your friends call you. I mean...I feel like I'm one of your friends now...and also...your girlfriend.

Oz seems truly touched.

OZ Dieter. My middle name is Dieter.

Heather nods, and speaks pensively.

HEATHER Hmm. You know that's (cracking up) really a shitty middle name!

OZ (laughing) I know, it sucks!

Through their laughter, they kiss. After a moment, it grows more passionate. Lost in each other.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT

The party rages in the rest of the cottage, but the basement is empty. STIFLER'S MOM sits in the corner, smoking a cigarette. She's as attractive as her photo we once saw, but the divorce has replaced her sexy smile with a bitter smirk.

Finch stumbles in.

FINCH Ah, Stifler's mom! Thank you for letting us have a great party.

STIFLER'S MOM (dry) As if there were any alternative in the matter. Are you enjoying yourself?

FINCH I'm three sheets to the wind, ma'am!

STIFLER'S MOM (deadpan) I'm so happy for you. Takes the edge off, doesn't it? And where might your date be?

FINCH Oh no, no date. Bathroom incident.

STIFLER'S MOM Pardon me?

Finch pauses a moment. He's got an idea.

FINCH ...Nevermind. You have anything to drink?

STIFLER'S MOM I believe the kegs are upstairs.

FINCH No, no, that's what the cretins drink. I mean alcohol, liquor -- good stuff.

She considers him as she drags off her cigarette.

STIFLER'S MOM All right, I got some scotch.

FINCH Single malt?

STIFLER'S MOM Aged eighteen years. (she gives him a look) Why don't you get the glasses. Behind the bar.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - PARTY ROOM - NIGHT

It's a great party. Stifler is with a group of guys drinking a beer, which he inspects very carefully before every sip.

ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE

Both drinking and talking, almost enjoying themselves.

MICHELLE That is a nasty story!

JIM I told you.

MICHELLE You wanna hear a nasty story of mine? It's kind of sexual.

Ding! A light goes off in Jim's head.

JIM Yeah, bring it on!

MICHELLE Well, this one time? At band camp? We were playing this game, I don't know if you know it? But it's called spin the bottle? And I had to kiss this guy named Marc Wander on the lips? And...

Jim's expression sinks.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

The lights are down. Vicky and Kevin are in bed.

KEVIN You comfortable?

VICKY Yeah, are you?

KEVIN Yeah.

A beat.

VICKY You sure you're comfortable?

KEVIN Yeah. Are you sure?

VICKY Yeah.

KEVIN Me too.

VICKY Okay. (a beat) Did you bring a condom?

KEVIN Yeah, right here.

He pulls out a condom. A beat as they contemplate it.

KEVIN (CONT'D) So, do you want to be -- I mean, how do you want to do it?

VICKY I don't know. How do you?

KEVIN Like, normal style. The...missionary position.

VICKY Okay.

A moment as they realize there's nothing left to do, but -

VICKY (cont'd) Kevin...

KEVIN Yeah Vick?

VICKY I want to hear you say it.

KEVIN Okay.

Kevin swallows hard. And says --

KEVIN (CONT'D) Victoria...I love you.

VICKY I love you.

They both take a deep breath.

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz and Heather lay in a secluded spot in the dunes, surrounded by tall beach grass that swishes in the spring breeze. Stars and a lustrous moon above.

The silence speaks. We can see it in their eyes. Yearning.

OZ I can't think of anything to say that's not cheesy.

HEATHER Then don't.

They kiss. It's time.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

A brief moment of uncertainty. Kevin shifts around a bit, trying to position himself. Vicky's hand goes under the sheets.

VICKY Here.

We know what she's doing. They both maintain eye contact...

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Heather and Oz are re-inventing the idea of passion. Discovering love. This is the stuff that you thought only existed in romance novels. Seriously.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - PARTY ROOM - NIGHT

Jim is trying to stay interested in Michelle's drivel.

JIM So, the end of the story is...you had to kiss the guy for twenty seconds?

MICHELLE Yes! And he was such a dork! And everyone laughed at me, but I didn't care? Because it was so funny!

JIM (flat) Okay, I get it.

MICHELLE Oh! And then this one time? At band camp? I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Jim CHOKES on his beer. Michelle considers her revelation no big deal, watching with some amusement as Jim struggles to recover.

JIM ...excuse me?!

MICHELLE What, you think I don't know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is! Sex ed!

Jim is ga-ga. He watches in disbelief as she lets her hair down. And wouldn't you know it, she's pretty cute.

MICHELLE (cont'd) So are we gonna screw soon? I'm getting kind of antsy.

Jim pauses in disbelief. Then --

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Michelle and Jim burst in and slam the door. A toy basketball hoop falls off the back of the door. They are standing in a cluttered, toy-strewn, pit of a kid's room. One of those stupid plastic airplanes on a string hangs from the ceiling, flying in circles.

JIM This'll do.

MICHELLE Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them both, it'll desensitize you. I don't want you coming so damn early.

JIM Why, uh, what makes you think that I --

MICHELLE Come on. I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing!

Jim heartily agrees.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT

The scotch bottle is almost empty. Stifler's Mom and Finch are smoking cigarettes.

FINCH So...would you object if I said you're quite striking?

STIFLER'S MOM Mister Finch -- are you trying to seduce me?

FINCH Yes ma'am, I am.

One look between them, and we know it's all over.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Kevin and Vicky. Silently doing it. Curious looks on their faces. The look you get when your waiter delivers your food in a fancy restaurant, and you look at the creation on the plate, and secretly you're not sure if it's really what you ordered. But you don't say anything, and you just eat it.

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz and Heather. Souls entwined. Making love.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

We can hear Jim and Michelle going at it like a couple of HOWLING BANSHEES over a SERIES OF SHOTS:

-- A piggy bank gets knocked over and shatters.

-- An x-wing fighter flies across the room.

-- A pillow explodes in a cloud of feathers.

-- One of the legs on the bed breaks.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - OUTSIDE BASEMENT DOOR - NIGHT

The Basement door is closed. We hear from the inside...

STIFLER'S MOM (O.S.) I had no idea you'd be this good!

FINCH (O.S.) Neither did I!

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jim and Michelle going at it. Again, we HEAR but can't see them. The room is more trashed than before. And as we PAN across the disaster area they've created --

JIM (O.S.) Are you gonna do what I think you're gonna do?

MICHELLE (O.S.) Don't you want me to?

JIM (O.S.) Oh yeah! Put it in your mouth!

MICHELLE (O.S.) Okay!

We see her...on top of Jim. She clears her throat. And then we see her raise a children's plastic recorder to her lips -- and she whistles THE MICHIGAN FIGHT SONG. On cue, Jim chimes in --

JIM Hail, hail, to Michigan, the leaders and best!

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz could be coming. Heather could be coming. But it's all so darn passionate that the whole thing looks like one big orgasm anyway.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jim and Michelle lay on the floor, tangled in sheets and each others' clothing. Exhausted, gasping.

And then we see the closet door is open, just a crack. It swings open. Standing there is Stifler's Little Brother. Jaw hanging.

STIFLER'S BROTHER That was awesome!

Jim and Michelle are stunned.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT

Finch and Stifler's Mom are just off-camera. We can't see it, but we can tell Finch's status from his ORGASMIC MOANING.

What we do see is the kitchen door handle rattling. The chair falling out of place. And the door opening as Stifler walks in. He stops, horrified.

STIFLER Ugh...oh no...

He looks like he's going to barf. Instead, he passes out.

EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - SUNRISE - ESTABLISHING

The sun rises over Lake Michigan. A brand new day. Various students are passed out here and there.

EXT. BEACH - DAY

Oz holds Heather in his arms. Completely peaceful. SEAGULLS CALL to each other. WAVES BREAK on the shore.

Oz has lost all pretense. Smiling to himself, or maybe to the world.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim wakes up in bed, alone. He looks around.

JIM She's gone.

He considers this.

JIM (cont'd) Oh my God. She used me.

He considers this further. Smiles.

JIM (cont'd) Wow! I was used! Cool!

He jumps up and does a little dance, SINGING...

JIM (CONT'D) Hail! to the victors, valiant; Hail! to the conquering heroes, hail...

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin and Vicky lie next to each other in bed, staring at the ceiling. Though they're trying to conceal it, we can see a bit of dissatisfaction, uncertainty, peeking through.

KEVIN That was a great night.

VICKY Yeah.

A beat.

KEVIN I can't believe we just had our senior prom.

VICKY Yeah, the time went by so fast.

KEVIN It did.

Another beat.

VICKY Kevin, next year...with you in Ann Arbor, and me in Nashville...it's not gonna work, is it.

KEVIN Don't say that, we can do it somehow. It might not be perfect, but --

VICKY (interrupting) No, Kevin -- (she sits up) That's the whole thing, that's what I've been realizing. That nothing's perfect, that you can't plan everything.

Kevin thinks this over.

KEVIN It is far away...and we'll be on our own...meeting new people...

A moment as they think this over.

KEVIN (CONT'D) Vicky...last night...I wasn't lying.

VICKY I know. (a beat) Let's go. Don't you have something to tell your friends?

KEVIN What?

VICKY Your little pact. Jessica told me all about it. (hits him lightly) Way to go, Kev!

Kevin gives an embarrassed smile.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DOG DAYS - DAY

A sign on the window reads, "Congratulations Seniors!"

INT. DOG DAYS - DAY

The four, newly non-virgins munch on hot dogs. Kevin's LAUGHING.

KEVIN (to Jim) I guess we'll call you two-ply.

OZ Yeah. So you want double condiments on that?

JIM No, no that's fine. (then, to Kevin) So you doing okay?

KEVIN (a wistful smile) Yeah.

FINCH I'll tell you, I've learned one thing: women, like wine, get better with age. (a beat) Of course, I have no frame of reference for this comparison.

KEVIN So Oz, you almost made it, huh?

OZ (smiles) I'll just say that we had a great night together.

JIM Hang in there, buddy, you'll get there.

OZ I know.

KEVIN Wow. You two really have something going, don't you?

OZ I think we're falling in love.

They GROAN. Oz just smiles.

KEVIN You know what the coolest thing is? This, right now.

They guys keep eating, uncertain what to say.

OZ It's true. I mean, after this, everything'll be different.

JIM After getting laid?

OZ After high school.

KEVIN Yeah, but we'll still see each other.

OZ Fuck yeah we will.

A beat. Kevin raises his Pepsi.

KEVIN To the next step.

ALL To the next step.

They all toast.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone.

KEVIN (into phone) Hey. I got another question for you.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.) What's that?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin arrives in the back of the library. Kneels down to put the bible back.

KEVIN (V.O.) Um...I'm sort of wondering about...love.

We hear Kevin's Brother CHUCKLE knowingly.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.) That's the next book, Kevin. That's the next book.

He puts the bible back without the reverence he once had for it. Stands up with some new confidence. We FOLLOW WITH HIM as he walks out of the library...and enters the courtyard, crowded with students. He disappears into them as we...

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim's dad sits across from Jim.

JIM'S DAD (eyes tearing) Son. That's the best damn story I ever heard.

Jim beams proudly.

JIM'S DAD (CONT'D) You know, after I graduated high school, my parents let me do some traveling...

INT. A HOTEL HALLWAY

SUPER: "PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC"

A WAITER ascends a beautiful, red-carpeted staircase, carrying a tray with bottle of champagne and a rose. He arrives in front of a hotel door. KNOCKS. A BELLBOY passes by, noticing the waiter. And HE SPEAKS TO HIM IN AUTHENTIC, THICK CZECH.

BELLBOY (subtitled) Another bottle?

WAITER (subtitled) He knows how to treat a woman.

The door opens -- to reveal Jim, sweaty but not the least bit tired, tying on a robe.

JIM Thanks guys.

A pair of arms wraps around him from behind. And -- Nadia peeks her head over Jim's shoulder.

NADIA Come back to bed, James.

Jim smiles to the guys and takes the tray, as Nadia pulls him back in and closes the door.

WAITER (subtitled) That is one lucky man.

BELLBOY (subtitled) Funny -- I swear I have seen those two somewhere before. The boy is some sort of dancer.

They head off.

FADE TO BLACK

Фильм Американский пирог/ American Pie. Сценарий на английском языке бесплатно
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